Day: February 13, 2009

You Missed It: Creepy crawly edition

Love is in the air. You can tell this because card companies have been telling you so since the day after Christmas. Yes, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, the day of love and romantic stuff that women extort us for. If you were busy rushing to see Friday the 13th, odds are you missed it.

We’ll smoke ’em out
Microsoft wants the head of whoever wrote a computer worm that is currently spreading across networks but not causing any serious damage. The computer mammoth is so upset over the worm that it is offering a $250,000 bounty on the creator’s head. In other news, the worm is rumored to be laced with peanut butter.

Hope for 200 years
President Abraham Lincoln turned 200 this week. The birthday was part of the theme of President Barack Obama’s whistle stop tour just before he took office. He has been invoking the fellow Ohioan’s name ever since. The country celebrated the historic birthday by growing beards and freeing whatever slaves they still have left over.

Ladies and gentlemen, the man who sings “Take You Down”
Musician Chris Brown was charged by police in connection to a domestic assault, believed to be on girlfriend Rihanna. The story broke just before the Grammys on Sunday night. Witnesses say Brown kicked a female out of his car and then beat her about the face. Brown, 19, has since changed his Facebook status to “single.” That’s real.

In space, no one can hear you say ‘oops’

East met West way up north.

(What? Our maps tell us north is up.)

A derelict Russian military satellite collided with a [then-] working U.S. Iridium commercial satellite, creating a cloud of debris that risks damaging even more satellites.

The International Debris Cloud now orbits 500 miles above the Earth, which is a popular distance for orbiting satellites, and should entertain cable and communication companies for the next 10,000 years. At least it gives them another excuse besides sun spots.

Coined the world’s scariest shotgun blast, it is part of a growing junkyard around the Earth that threatens anything new we plan to put up there. It’s a brave new step in the human endeavor of pollution!

Worst. Neighborhood. Ever.

The latest missing-white-girl-in-Florida case just took a bizarre turn, news-wise:

“Investigators have questioned 44 registered sex offenders living near the home of a missing Florida girl after hundreds of leads in the case have failed to turn up any sign of 5-year-old Haleigh Cummings.”

OK, parents, we get it. Economic times are tough, so moving right now is a little difficult.

But, seriously: 44 registered sex offenders in the Florida neighborhood where you’re raising a 5-year-old blond white girl? What, was the pool house at Neverland Ranch off the market? How many date rape vans in driveways raise a red flag?  Does the ice cream truck have a police escort?

Wow.

Just … wow.

In other news: the average age in Florida keeps getting older and older.

MMO’s are evil, Parliament wants a big fat red panic button for them

The European Parliament, in a quite stunning display of illogical useless grandiose thinking, has decided that what parents need to protect their children from MMO’s is a “red button” to shut games down in the event of a crisis.

This is highly important thinking because it seems that:

  1. European computers don’t have off switches and are shaped like Doctor Octopus, thus keeping children trapped in front of the screen.
  2. European parents are powerless before their children in regards to disciplining them.

“‘Parents should have a “red button” to disable a game they feel is inappropriate for their child,’ says the EP Internal Market Committee. ‘Until PEGI online is up and running, the report proposes fitting consoles, computers or other game devices with a “red button” to give parents the chance to disable a game or control access at certain times.'”

To be fair, the European Parliament is not being “anti-game”; it’s just being stupid. It recognizes that games can provide a whole host of benefits, just not to parents. Parliament wants to add something to make parents feel better, and this might be the best placebo they could come up with.

Surprisingly enough, Britain’s government has never heard of Staples or the Easy Button. Now there’s a placebo that gets me through my days at work.

Like killing dogs? Head to Baghdad

If there’s one thing we all love, it’s war reporting. Whether it’s Edward R. Murrow hanging a microphone out his window during the bombing of London or Geraldo Rivera giving away troop positions by drawing in the sand, we just can’t get enough. We’ve got a piece of fine news reporting from CNN, oddly enough, it seems we’re winning the War on Animals in Iraq. Let’s listen in.

“The shotgun blast rips into the stray dog’s midsection, sending it tumbling over and over. Agonizing yelps echo through the streets as it tries to reach and bite at the gaping wound. Minutes later, the dog is dead.

“A few miles away, a puppy eats a piece of poisoned meat. Its body starts to twitch and spasm as the toxins kick in. It dies within 15 minutes.”

Boy howdy does that sound good! To our brave men and women in the service: tell us your story about how you’re helping us win the War on Animals. We’d be honored to feature it right here on SG. Thank you for your sacrifice.