Day: February 17, 2009

Eat My Sports: I’m not finished with you yet, A-Roid

Alright, so the roiding scandal of one Alex Rodriguez has been out in the public for roughly a week and a half. And while the Yankees slugger is getting rightfully grilled by every media outlet, a few (*cough* ESPN, *cough* Peter Gammons) are letting A-Rod off the hook by not digging deeper into a story, or by tossing him up a creampuff question that he can slam easier than those 156 steroid-infused home runs at Texas.

So, sure the Material Boy hasn’t given us the answers we’re craving, though he did finally realize that frosted tips are sooooooooo 2001. I am here to give you the true words behind his vague answers in hopes that I can truly help you understand what it’s like to be a baseball player with lipstick. Continue reading Eat My Sports: I’m not finished with you yet, A-Roid

How *not* to get ahead in your work

According to police, the television executive in charge of Bridges TV — a network dedicated to improving the image of Muslims in the media — beheaded his wife after she filed for divorce.

We repeat: Muzzammil Hassan, whose career was based on disproving stereotypes of barbaric fundamentalist misogyny (among others), cut his wife’s head off when she wanted an all-American divorce.

Once again: the guy who was worried that we thought all Muslims ritually behead unbelievers in public displays of terror … cut his wife’s head off at a TV station that he founded to show us they don’t do that, because she didn’t want to be married to him anymore.

This is not a test of the SeriouslyGuys Irony Alert System. The irony alert we have issued is real.

Please remain in your homes until told that the irony alert is over in your neighborhood. If you have any small children or mentally-imbalanced family members are are unable to discern irony, please distract them with an impromptu stuffed animal puppet show until the irony has passed. In the event that they ask questions about the irony, refer to our Irony Hotline, where one of our operators will talk you through an explanation.

If you experience any headaches (sorry) or nausea, remember: every religion is full of these assholes.

UPDATE: Michael Phelps avoids drug charges

Richland (South Carolina) County Sheriff Leon Lott said that he will not press marijuana charges against Michael Phelps. The swimmer exonerated himself by not admitting that he was smoking marijuana in the picture.

This is a relief for Phelps, but he didn’t emerge from this unaffected. He gave this statement to the youth:

“For me, it’s all about recognizing that I used bad judgment and it’s a mistake I won’t make again. For young famous people especially — be careful about the decisions you make. One bad decision can really hurt your income and the companies you endorse.“

OK, that’s a paraphrase, but when was the last time a single use of marijuana harmed a non-celebrity?

Be ready for the Lifetime adaptation, everyone

It’s not easy being a single parent, especially when you’re surrounded by babies left and right. Clearly, we’re taking on more burdens than we can sizably expect, and frankly, in this economy, sometimes that can lead to some horrible decisions. Unfortunately, that’s just not a lesson that we’re learning here in America.

However, in merry ol’ blighty, that’s just not a problem, no sirree! Yup, we silly Americans should be taking lessons from the Brits — if you’re going have a child, keep in mind these simple rules:

  1. Make sure that you have a partner. Don’t go being a parent alone. Have someone else that can help shoulder the burden.
  2. Be no older than thirteen years old.

Wait, what?

You heard correctly. A thirteen year old British lad is the proud father of a new child. The mother? A comparatively ancient fifteen. It’s cool though — Poppa Alfie expects to be a good dad. How so?

“I’ll have to work extra hard at school.”

That’s a solid plan there, Alf-ster. In the meantime, get back to playing that video game. You’ll have plenty of time to be a great father once you’ve complete one last mission.

Do you see that, Britain? HA! Guess America’s not just the only country with bad parents, huh?

Then again, there is the cost of gas to think about

Obviously a recession means people have less money and a rise in crime will occur. To help keep you safe this recession season, here’s a safety tip: if someone is stealing things inside your house, take their getaway vehicle.

That’s exactly what one man in Washington state did when two people broke into his house and tried stealing his electronics. The man was home when he heard burglars upstairs and called 911. He then noticed a van in his driveway with the engine running, so he took the van and drove off.

The burglars fled the house, most likely on foot, and were empty handed, since it’s hard to run from the scene of a crime carrying a flat panel television.