Day: February 18, 2009

Take it from Snee: Let the bums into the Hall of Fame (A-Rod Edition)

Now that the press is soiling itself over Alex Rodriquez’s admission to using steroids (courageously made after his failed test results hit the press), I’ve been thinking more about a piece I wrote back in 2007 when the Mitchell Report was released.

Personally, I’ve always taken it with a grain of salt anytime someone waxes philosophically about the “Clean Days of Baseball.” The history of the sport’s more saccharine than a fundamentalist’s interpretation of the 1950s: everyone got along (in their segregated leagues), they were good sports (Chicago Black Sox) and substance-free (Dock Ellis).

Now that he’s “come clean,” I was wondering when the League would get involved. I mean, either they’re against doping or they are for it. A lack of consequences is clearly a silent vote for “Please break some more crusty old records and raise our ticket sales!”

True to fashion, Rodriguez practiced with his team, uneventfully. There’s been no talk of suspension, fines or even mandatory PSA from the Yankees or MLB. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps faced criminal charges for a f#%king photograph and fortunately avoided arrest by not admitting that the pipe contained marijuana.

So, let me restate for the record: let the bums into the Hall of Fame. If professional athletes want to use steroids, HGH and whatever else sucks nads to grow muscles, go ahead. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Let the bums into the Hall of Fame (A-Rod Edition)

Table manners Godwinned

Next time you’re at dinner and your kids’ insistence on eating with their feet threaten your appetite, you can now correct their behavior with, “You know who else had atrocious table manners?”

According to a recently discovered secret intelligence report (found during housecleaning, so who knows what’s in your attic?), der Furher had a penchant for biting his nails, gorging on cakes and poorly engaging in conversation during meals.

However, something else interesting came up in the report: Hitler drank one or two glasses of beer with each meal of vegetables or stewed fruit. So, looks like he did drink after all … just not nearly as much as Churchill.

CNN will make fun of you if they want

Oh CNN, you so funny! You’ve totally won our award for the day.

So, to sum up the story, a rich Chinese man held his own “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’s Mistress?” contest. Some of the competitions included just how much alcohol can you hold (which, we, The Guys, totally approve of), who looks the best and who can carry the best note. The winner? No one.

Yeah, see, that might be because one of the unlucky losers decided to take ol’ King Pimp and four of the contestants out on a Sunday drive … off a cliff.

So why is CNN so funny? Because the car drove off a cliff … and CNN headlined the story with how it took a “tragic turn.” CNN, you so funny!

Chimpotence

The War is on. After a fairly docile kickoff to 2009, it appears the animals want to bring it, so it’s time to show them that it’s already been broughten. But, as in most cases when we give them the benefit of the doubt, the animals have struck first, again.

Chimps: they look eerily similar to George W. Bush, and they make for great television commercials. However, in this case, a Connecticut woman had to call 911 to help her friend escape the wrath of the species Charlton Heston spent his life trying to rid our earth of. Charla Nash, the women who was attacked, is in the hospital after suffering life-threatening injuries. Don’t worry Charla, we’ll get these bastards back.

Lolzers, I cn c yr spleen

Are you sick of medical privacy? Do you want to get updates on your surgery’s progress not from your doctor but from your phone? Enter Twitter!

Surgeons gave updates about a tumor removal procedure via the micro-blogging service recently. Followers of the surgery could get instant updates on how the surgery on the dude was going. The thing is, this is a growing trend. That’s right, your doctor could be Tweeting or Facebooking during your surgery. You probably want to untag the pictures your surgeon uploaded of your insides once the meds wear off.

Isn’t this great? Haven’t you always wanted to sit for hours hitting refresh just to see how some dude’s surgery is going?