Day: February 26, 2009

MasterChugs Theater: Go nina, go ninja go

I’ve spent most of this past weekend watching movies. Lots of movies. Special movies. Grainy movies.

Neeeeenja movies. Hey, I was bored and low on money-it happens. Sometimes the movies were terrible, so bad in fact that you had to laugh. But sometimes that was what made them so good. The crazier the ninja stunts were, the more you wanted to see what else the ninja could do. For example, Ninja III – The Domination has the ninja at the beginning take hundreds of bullets and still live long enough to pass on his ninja soul. Unfortunately, the majority of the movies were just bad. Not the entire former category, but just bad.

It’s not that easy to create a ninja movie. The Ninja Labor Unions are not easy to work with. There are certain rules for film and ninjas. Those that don’t follow them are subject to seppuku. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Go nina, go ninja go

Hateful people would love you

Good news, everybody! If you always wanted to join a hate group, you won’t be alone!

There’s nothing worse then joining a race supremacist group, only to show up to your first meeting and be disappointed. There’s three people there, they’re kind of weird-smelling (though white) and nobody else brought their pot-luck items. What a waste of potato salad!

Fortunately, joining hate groups is now the cool thing to do, and –thanks to the Internet — easier and more fun than ever!

  • White nationalists
  • Neo-Confederates
  • Neo-Nazis
  • Skinheads
  • Klansmen
  • Even black separatists

… are all reporting larger numbers, thanks to a scary-looking president and complicated economic situation, and are ready to meet you and only one mouse-click away!

Well …? What’re you waiting around here for?!

‘We have a big problem’

Nearly five months ago to this day, former President George Bush said those exact words in regards to a need for the $700 billion bailout package.

George Bush was a soothsayer. Nay, an oracle of wisdom.

Clearly, we never truly understood what he said. Sure, he didn’t make a lot of sense at times, what with his talks regarding fish, families and the sea, but we should have paid more attention to him. Everything he said regarding those items? He was simply portending the future.

The enemy has arrived, and it is large. And poisonous.

A monstrous freshwater stingray weighing in at 772 pounds was recently caught in Thailand. Ian Welch, a courageous angler from Britain was simply minding his own business, attempting to tag the stingrays (probably to help our war efforts, no doubt), when the gigantic fish attempted to kill the man. The horror!

Through the valiant efforts of Welch and twelve other men, the beast was caught. Unfortunately, the terror doesn’t end there. Research put the creature at being only a year and a half old. That’s right: it could get bigger.

What’s even scarier is that it’s back on the loose again! For some rhyme or reason, the monster was released back into the river. The stingray’s probably got some sort of nefarious mind-controlling powers, I’d say.

So really, what’s our one true problem? We’re gonna need some really big slices of bread.

Colorado state senator reads SeriouslyGuys!

Republican state Senator Dave Schultheis does not believe that the state of Colorado should require hospitals to test pregnant women for HIV.

Is it because this could be considered some sort of invasion of privacy? No, because the screening is consensual.

Maybe it’s because pregnant women are homos? Not in the good Senator’s world!

How about because the needles used to administer the test could help spread HIV? No, that’ s a little far-fetched.

Or is it because detecting HIV would lead to treatment, giving the benefit of medical care to some unclean whore who caught AIDS? From our pages to Senator Dave’s stupid mouth!

Stay together for the planet

Are you in a bad marriage? Was that night in Vegas a little too crazy for you? Does it look like it’s just not going to work out in the end? Are you tired of your spouse’s abusive ways? Do you want to get a divorce? Don’t be so selfish, you need to stay together for the sake of the Earth.

One lawmaker in Australia claims that married couples are less wasteful than ones that are not. If you get a divorce, you’re even more likely to live a wasteful lifestyle, according to Senator Steve Fielding. That whole single thing means you need more water, more electricity and you know, your own place to live.

What’s left out is the wasteful side effect of happy couples: children. They eat more food, they poop in non-biodegradable diapers, and they represent another future car on the road.