Month: February 2009

Stay together for the planet

Are you in a bad marriage? Was that night in Vegas a little too crazy for you? Does it look like it’s just not going to work out in the end? Are you tired of your spouse’s abusive ways? Do you want to get a divorce? Don’t be so selfish, you need to stay together for the sake of the Earth.

One lawmaker in Australia claims that married couples are less wasteful than ones that are not. If you get a divorce, you’re even more likely to live a wasteful lifestyle, according to Senator Steve Fielding. That whole single thing means you need more water, more electricity and you know, your own place to live.

What’s left out is the wasteful side effect of happy couples: children. They eat more food, they poop in non-biodegradable diapers, and they represent another future car on the road.

Take it from Snee: Turn it down, turn it off, burn down the station

There Is No Rock Music In Huntsville, Alabama: Part I

There are two groups of people I hate in this world: the Olson Twins — for refusing to answer my very polite, well-written request for a pair of each of their panties — and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

In my defense for the Olsen panties incident, it wasn’t perverted. The two-pack I bought from their fashion line at Wal-Mart did not survive a hiking trip. But this column is not about that.

No, this is about a band that I moderately liked once … before moving to Alabama.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Turn it down, turn it off, burn down the station

Scientists cocky about emerging intragalactic war

Scientists all over the Earth hypothesize and are conducting experiments to find life elsewhere in the galaxy; that we knew already.

What we didn’t already know is that several of them believe that it is entirely possible that there is life elsewhere in our own corner of the Milky Way galaxy, and that some of it might be intelligent.

Using a computer model, one group has recreated our galaxy and then studied how life may have started and evolved. Even by introducing species-ending disasters like asteroids and McDonald’s, at least 361 intelligent species evolved anyway.

So, our counteroffensive in the War on Aliens might just be closer than we expected. Set your probes for “violate,” and let’s move out!

The company wants its money back

Normal people losing money, that’s one thing. You can almost set your watch to it, truth told. But a big corporate company losing a bunch of money inadvertently? That’s not just odd — that’s real.

Oh, and they’d like the money back. KTHNXBYE=).

Unceremoniously (but, sadly, not out of the norm in these current times), Microsoft laid off 1400 employees. 25 of those unfortunate few became fortunate, as they were apparently overpaid in their severance packages. Score! Woo-hoo! Bonus! Take that, big business!

AHEM. Done yet? Because Microsoft would very much like amount returned them in one monetary form or another. A letter from the House that Bill Built to the employees stated:

“We ask that you repay the overpayment and sincerely apologize for any inconvenience to you,”

Said letter then made its way onto the intarwubs. Much lamenting ensued. Also, photos of kittens. So, is there a happy ending to the story?

Actually, yes, there is a happy ending. Lisa Brummel, Microsoft’s senior vice president for human resources, called most of the 25 employees, telling them they could keep the money.

“I decided it didn’t quite feel right.”

That’s kind of her and the company. I mean, it’s not like making the employees pay back the money wouldn’t have been a total marketing nightmare in this day and age. A much imagined monolithic company (once investigated for holding a monopoly) forcing a bunch of laid off former employees to pay back a screw-up on the company’s fault? Nope, no way, no how, no problem at all with that marketing image at all.

Within beershot

The biggest beer bust Brunei’s border bobbie’s have ever seen brought in 1,382 cans of illegally smuggled beer. (That’s an even almightier alliteration, Rick. Your move.) The two men were arrested after trying to sneak in the booze into a booze-free zone.

All we have to say is that if the police dumped out the beer, that is the biggest party foul since Prohibition.

You have allergies? Screw you!

USA Today has some startling news about the American workplace: more and more offices are becoming pet-friendly. Yes, some companies are allowing their employees to bring in their dogs to work. No wonder we’re in a recession, our workforce is too busy cleaning up poop to get anything done.

The clear danger here is that we’re letting our indentured animal servants into the office to see how we operate. You know that they will find a way to get information back to the animal high command about our operations, just like how one Confederate President Jefferson Davis’ slaves ran away and became a Union informant during the Civil War.

Great, now not only do we have to fear our coworkers coming in and shooting up the place, now we have to worry about their pets, too.

Eat My Sports: Tiger beat

Golf. It’s boring, and they wear stupid clothes. These guys, for some asinine reason, find relaxation in the frustration of hitting something the size of an eye into a Dixie cup 300 yards away. Every single one of these geniuses make this sport unwatchable, save for one. Tiger Woods. And no, Bryan, not even your love for flannel pants can make me agree that this game is enjoyable.

I never liked golf until I saw an electrifying young man with a Nike swoosh for a smile win The Master’s when I was 14. But as much as I can’t stand being bored, I can’t turn a blind eye to greatness. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Tiger beat

He’s ‘coming out’ and you’re throwing a party? Really?

Look, GOP. We understand that it’s not your fault that, for the mostly anti-gay party, you’ve had your share of gay sex scandals. However, phrases like this about your new poster boy don’t help:

“‘The speech is very important. This is [Bobby Jindal’s] coming-out party,’ said G. Pearson Cross, head of the University of Louisiana’s political science department, who has observed Jindal‘s political rise.”

Just sayin’. We’re sure you’re much better at being Republicans than we are … not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The people want their money back

A German man, like so many of us, was driving on the highway (or “motorway” as they say in Europe because they don’t know the real term for it) when he needed to stop at a restroom.

Just like we all do, he pulled into a rest area and went inside to do his business. As everyone else does, he brought a plastic bag holding 10,000 euros. And as will happen from time to time, he forgot the bag in the restroom and drove off, not realizing he was missing it until some 30 minutes later.

And not surprisingly, the bag was gone when he returned.