Eat My Sports: It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Oh thank god, it’s baseball season! March Madness be damned. I love baseball, seven glorious months of our national pastime, let’s get ready to drink warm beer, eat cold hot dogs and watch a group of players who make your annual salary in an inning!

With the start of every season comes my annual predictions. I’ll admit, last year I was wrong about the Rays, but who saw that coming? Apparently Tampa didn’t either because they didn’t sellout a home game that wasn’t against Boston or New York until the playoffs. Great fanbase my ass.

Anywho, let’s start off with the NL. Continue reading Eat My Sports: It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Alabama is trying to have sex with me

The criminal justice system in Alabama has always been interesting — so interesting, in fact, that it got a Best Actress Academy Award for Marisa Tomei.

Today, the Good Ol’ Boy Network just took on an entirely new meaning.

Former Mobile County Circuit Judge Herman Thomas has been arrested, accused by a grand jury of “borrowing” male inmates and coercing them into sexual play like paddling and whipping. Court documents include references to inmates’ tales of paddlin’s and old fashioned sexu’l encounters in Thomas’ office.

Thomas’ attorney, Robert Clark, calls these charges a “high tech lynching,” an attempt by “right-wing Republicans” to get rid of “the only black circuit judge we’ve ever had in Mobile County.”

Our Position:
If either sides’ allegations prove true, then it’s time to let Alabama secede from the Union again and get swallowed up by Mexico. At least their judges only take cash bribes.

ROBOT BABY MADE NUCLEAR BOOM-BOOM IN ITS TITANIUM DIAPER

Annnnnnd there goes Malaysia.

All right, so at the end of World War II (aka, the War We Won, Gol-Dernit), we took away Japan’s military presence, leaving them with the Self Defense Force. They’re only allowed to spend 2% of their GDP on the protectorate of the nation (which is still a heckuva lot of money, mind you), and so it leaves them with a lot of free time.

I guess that’s why they built a giant killer robot. You know, for “art.” At least that’s what artist Yanobe Kenji says.

According to him, the robot will be safe from the whims of evil men who want to conquer the world.

“This giant toratan doll is the ultimate child’s weapon, as it sings, dances, breathes fire, and follows only those orders given by children.”

Oh great, let children control a device that breathes fire and has a true purpose as “art.” We’ll be real safe then. Smooth move, Japan. It’s not like you already have a scary history with robots.

The robot, sighted in Roppongi, stands about 24 ft tall and is made of aluminum, steel, brass, FRP, and styrofoam. What does that mean?The best way to take the behemoth down would be with a giant magnet. Either that, or just start fighting the kids controlling the thing. They’ll go down pretty easy.

Unless they don’t go down easy at all. In which case, SG would like to print a correction: at the end of World War II, we every country but the United States of America took away Japan’s military presence, leaving them with the Self Defense Force.

Ready, set … nothing

Today marks the end of the calendar for March, so unless you’re like me, and filed your taxes in February, chances are you’re sweating out that April 15 tax deadline.

Did you say “tax,” Bryan?

I most certainly did, and guess what, our government’s brilliant stimulus package is heading your way too next month. Only this time, it’s a little bit skewed. President Barack Obama has requested that employers adjust their payroll to start giving the tax breaks that basically equal out to your cut of the money our government just made up out of thin air.

How does this affect you? Congratulations, my friend, if your company adjusted it’s payroll accordingly, you’ll be getting an extra $15-$20 a week courtesy of Uncle Sam.

Here’s a list of things you can buy for $15:

  • 15 and 1/15 Britney Spears songs on iTunes
  • Two “value meals” from Burger King (just don’t “King Size” it)
  • Three gallons of milk
  • Gratitude from Pauly Shore on an L.A. street corner begging for cash (seriously, the guy has to be broke by now)

Your pets are trying to kill you

According to a recent study, cats and dogs are trying to trip you. In fact, they are responsible for 86,000 falls every year, and that number is only expected to rise.

Pets are making Americans fall because they dash in front of our legs as we are walking, sometimes down the stairs. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, if you own a dog, you are far more likely to fall than if you own a cat, and roughly 20 times more likely to fall than if you own a goldfish.

So far, no one is known to have been killed in such falls, just some broken bones, cuts, sprains, buildings, etc. But you know they’ll keep trying.

The McBournie Minute: Sexual sandwich making

I am a fan of lunch, in fact, I try to eat lunch at least once a day. Sometimes I don’t bring lunch to work, instead, I decide to splurge and get a sub from Quizno’s. It can be said that I enjoy their subs there, especially the sub prices that were temporarily low and were raised again a couple weeks ago (bastards!).

Around the same time, new television commercials for Quizno’s surfaced, and some of you know, I can’t resist mocking commercials. This one takes sandwiches to a level of creepy seldom reached by two slices of bread with meat and condiments in between: it’s the new ads for the Toasty Torpedo.

Let’s get past the juvenile snickering at the name, and the fact that it’s a thin, yet long sub now apparently meant to compete with Subway’s Warm Wang Sandwich. This is not the type of a commercial for dirty minds. So let’s move on. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Sexual sandwich making

Where the #### do we sign up?

Florida: you’re a weird state; but, out of weirdness comes awesome ideas. The Guys are ready to join your Python Patrol.

The Python Patrol has nothing to do with ex-living wrestler Jake the Snake Roberts (unless someone released his snake in Florida) and everything to do with hunting down and capturing large, dangerous fugitive snakes before they reach the Florida Keys.

Sign us the #### up. Seriously. We will put any children into boarding (since your state has some problems with keeping them unmurdered) and move right the #### down there. We don’t even need uniforms; just give us some really cool ball caps or badges or Jeff Corwin sticks.

It should be noted that the group does this to save Florida’s native endangered species from being devoured whole by pythons (which they do by unhinging their jaws! Awesome!), so we would technically be saving animals, which violates our pro-War on Animals stance …

You know what? Say what you will; once the pythons are gone, the manatees will start gaining numbers and destroying property, maybe even beating up bottlenose dolphins. And once we get rid of those ugly beasties, well, dolphins can be dicks. Point is, we’re ready to help you “control” your animals, Florida, one species at a time.

Cocks on the way down

Utterly hillarious last names are suffering a bit of shrinkage over in Britain. Turns out last names like Cockshotts and Balls are being weeded out.  In an ironic twist though, the last name Wang is soaring in popularity. Apparently people in Britain with unfortunate last names are being made fun of, and thus changing their names in the process.

Who would make fun of someone for having “cock” in their last name? Seriously, why … wait … oh, you guys are sick.

And next year, he’ll be old enough to go to sex-ed class

You remember Alfie, don’t you? He’s the newly made thirteen year old father that loves playing games that he’s actually not old enough to play. Wellllll, now that’s only a kinda.

A DNA test cleared Alfie of fatherly responsibility, but rather than celebrating his freedom by spending the diaper money on beer and hair gel, he’s reported to be “devastated.” No one knows who the real father is, either. But with the youngest candidate removed, it makes this following statement non operative:

“It’s an indication that we’ve lost our way, that people don’t know the difference between right and wrong,” said Sir Bernard Ingham, former press secretary to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. “The plain fact is society can’t proceed on this basis. I think this is an indication of broken Britain.”

Of course, a girl is still a mother at age 15, and even worse, she has no idea who the father is, but you know, that kind of shame is a dime a dozen, certainly doesn’t rise to a moral crisis. Even better, now Alfie gets to celebrate “Not a Father’s Day!”

A rise in night class numbers

Good news, students of Boston Latin School (located in Boston, oddly enough)! Your school does not have vampires roaming the halls, according to your headmaster.

Rumors at the school have persisted that some students at the school are vampires, others are half vampires and some werewolves, too. Yet this has done little to soothe the concerns of parents, who are worried that there is someone out there, lurking in the shadows, ready to harass their sons or daughters without warning.

In response, parents will likely begin sending their kids to school with guns–loaded with silver bullets, of course.