The McBournie Minute: Drinking is cool

A new study seems to show that adolescent drinking is linked to clothing with alcohol stuff on it. Naturally, all the the whistle-blowers and sobriety freaks are pointing to this and saying, “AHA! We have finally found the link to why our teenagers want to drink to excess like we did when we were that age!”

Folks, this is completely and utterly retarded. Kids don’t want to drink because of brand loyalty or hidden messages sent through advertising on trucker hats, they want to drink because it’s cool.

Seriously, how long ago was it that you were underage? Regardless of how long ago high school was for you, one thing is universal: coolness is the only thing that matters. You just want to be cool enough that people quit picking on you and that cute guy or girl will want to pay attention to you for a little while. Why is drinking cool? Why is having a sports car cool? They just are, especially at that age. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drinking is cool

PETA continues to stand for the rights of the cute in the face of reason

PETA (People for Egregious Treason and Animals) hates Canada. Who wouldn’t? They’re quiet, polite and well-behaved, those jerks. But now it’s become something more than just a traditional why-won’t-you-stop-putting-puppies-and-kittens-to-sleep kind of hatred. Now it’s more of a we’re-going-to-look-like-douches-on-an-international-stage kind.

That’s right, folks, PETA is going to protest the 2010 Vancouver Olympics because the Canadian government will not end the clubbing of baby seals. In fact, baby seal clubbing is one of the new events at the games. Just like the huge success that the human rights protests against the Beijing games were last year, (if you recall, the games were canceled and China was disgraced in the eyes of the world), PETA will use the same smarmy tactics next year.

Let’s get one thing straight: Canada is our ally in the War on Animals. They help us rid their barren country, and in turn, the world, of the vicious baby seal threat. Fact: One in every four child deaths in Canada is an attack from a baby seal.

(via Deadspin)

Clash of the Movie Titans!

Statistics can tell you all kinds of interesting things about people. Like this weekend’s box office results.

The Jonas Brothers “movie,” Jonas Brothers: 3D Concert Experience, came in a surprising¬† number two, beaten out by Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail. Tyler Perry’s latest Tyler Perry film about Tyler Perry in a dress debuted last week, so it’s not like these two iconic blockbusters were released head-to-head.

So, what does this mean?

  1. People will go to the movies, no matter what’s playing. Since it was the coldest weekend of February, we’re guessing it was hobos looking to rub one out somewhere warm and dark. Madea Goes to Jail at least promises to be a women’s prison film, so there’s one reason why it came out on top.
  2. Producers of mindless “family values” entertainment have once again underestimated the power of African-American numbers. Tyler Perry is basically the Box Office Obama, beating out abstinence-pledging pretty white boys girls people.
  3. America is saving its money to go see The Watchmen over and over again this weekend. A comic book movie is going to win Best Picture one of these f@%king days!

Another end-of-the-world orgy thwarted

Astronomers only received three-days’ notice about an asteroid whizzing perilously close to the planet we all drink at. Had it actually hit, it would have “exploded on or near the surface with the force of a large nuclear blast.”

Reports are unclear about where it would have impacted, but three days is hardly enough time for anyone to organize an end-of-the -world orgy … except those already orgying it up, but run-of-the-mill group debauchery is hardly a noteworthy celebration, now is it?

We, here at SG, are furious at the astronomy community. In the future, we demand more notice of life-ending cosmic calamities. (Also, more rock n’ roll laser-light shows at planetariums!)

Fortunately, there is a silver lining to this not-so-ominous cloud: the asteroid passed so close that it is caught in Earth’s gravity, so there may be repeat near-death experiences. Keep those hot tubs hot!

Imagine what a big one could do

There are few animals we have warned you about more than octopi. They are intelligent, dangerous creatures who are the most likely to cause us harm because no one suspects the threat they pose.

We now take you to an aquarium in Santa Monica, where a single octopus lead an attempted jailbreak, in doing so caused a lot of damage. The octopus, despite its small size, pulled on a valve in its tank, letting in hundreds of gallons into its tank and causing it to overflow. The good news is that no sea prisoners at the aquarium escaped, the bad news is that none were killed, either.

Furthermore, the salt water, which ended up being an inch or two deep throughout the building, damaged some newly-installed cork flooring. Wait — you install cork, which can be damaged by water, in an aquarium?