Eat My Sports: Matt Cassel holes

Oh the beginning of the NFL offseason, how it twists every notion you’ve ever had about the league. Some of the moves surprise you, some of them leave you laughing (I’m looking at you Washington) and then some moves just make absolutely no damn sense whatsoever and leave you in search of the nearest granular alcohol. New England Patriots’ fans, the latter should be your move after Saturday’s boneheaded trade that sent Matt Cassel and defensive leader Mike Vrabel to the Kansas City Chiefs.

Obviously the Patriots think Tom “Gisele” Brady will be back 100%. But thinking and knowing are two seperate animals. Example: Britney Spears thinks she’s a whore, but Lindsay Lohan knows it. ACL and MCL surgeries are very tough to come back from, even for Mr. Wonderful, and the Pats may have severly screwed up their long term success if Brady comes back and just isn’t the same. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Matt Cassel holes

We love you too, Germans

OK, we admit it. We make a few Nazi jokes now and then, or even some cracks about invading Poland/ annexing the sudetenland, but we just can’t get enough of you crazy krauts.

Gerry, we know you love us despite all that, and we just want to tell you, right back at you.

Recently, Germans aged 19 to 29 took off their gimp masks to tell the world how they really feel. A survey shows that most of them would gladly leave their sexual partner and their car (which also might be their sexual partner) for Internet access. This comes as a total shock, because the Germans are famous around the world for their outright compassion for their fellow man.

We here at ernst Jungs would just like to say thanks for reading.

What a b$%ch!

Some people just have all the nerve, and the news ain’t gonna take it lying down anymore.

Nonnie Dotson, if you didn’t want to meet your friends for a smoothie, you could have at least called.

Maybe they’re tired of smoothies, too, but they didn’t disappear off the face of the earth to avoid them. Why, you could’ve suggested something else. I’m sure the ladies would have been just fine with a pilates class or a mocha-frapa-chachi-rama-lama-ding-dong soy latte.

Way to make this all about you.

Here’s another weapon for you

Magnets are proof that there is magic in the world, there is just no other way to explain how they work. God gave us these things that stick to metal so now we can hang our pretty drawings on the refrigerator. But people in Miami have figured out how to turn them into a weapon. (The magnets, not the pretty drawings.)

“Wildlife managers” in Florida are using the mangets to mess with crocodiles. In particular, to keep them away from neighborhoods. This is excellent news, because it means we can keep our homes safe from one more threat posed by the area. Now if only we could figure out a way to deal with Swamp Thing.

The story isn’t all good, though. It seems authorities in Florida have a nasty habit of looking the other way when they take a croc into custody. Rather than making him into a new pair of boots, they drive the croc out to a new swamp and set them free. Folks, catch-and-release doesn’t work for terrorists, and it sure as hell doesn’t work for animals.

The Scots have a drinking problem?

In a big shocker to the world at large, the Scots apparently are enjoying a wee bit much of the whiskey at a discount price for the government’s liking. The Scottish government is looking to defuse low prices on alcohol in order to lower the country’s drinking consumption. And we thought they encouraged drinking …

The plan is to have a minimum price set on one unit of alcohol. We here at SG don’t believe in such policies, as they directly contradict our human rights to 10 cent drafts from four to seven, as well as the obligatory ladies’ night. Great Scot!