Take it from Snee: Quit your job

Before I get started, I just want to wish everyone a happy National Grammar Day! If you are inclined to comment on the following article, please observe this holiest of days in the comments section by posting a coherent response. All failures to do so will be ridiculed to the point of suicide.

So I was waiting for a haircut when I witness this scene:

MAN walks into the shop.

MAN: Excuse me, when’s Shakira* working next?

HAIRCUTTER: I honestly have no idea. She hasn’t shown up for work that past two days.

MAN: Ah. OK.

*This name was changed to protect my failing memory.

I’d already heard of people quitting their jobs by just not showing up anymore. I always knew it said very little about that person’s intestinal fortitude, but that was their problem that they could ignore, hoping it goes away.

But, when I consider the problems our country faces these days, I couldn’t shake it off this time. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Quit your job

Barry Obama and the Stone of Alternative Power

Book publishers have finally found their new Harry Potter to sell what children’s literature pedlars call “a f#$kton of books”: 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama. In fact, they started publishing the books before he was even elected.

So far, they’ve been biographies, including:

  • Barack Obama: Son of Promise, Child of Hope by Nikki Grimes
  • Barack by Jonah Winter
  • Yes We Can by Garen Thomas
  • Change Has Come: An Artist Celebrates Our American Spirit, a collection of black-and-white drawings by Kadir Nelson (Why do the pictures have to be black and white, Kadir?)

To put this in perspective, the linked article only mentions one book about John McCain, and his daughter wrote it. (Nepotism?)

Of course, once kids are tired of the biographical route, we’re sure some more interesting books will follow this refreshing new character.

Obama’s first misstep

President George Bush was one of our strongest allies in the War on Animals. He opened up sensitive habitats to infrastructure development and made sure the U.S. Navy could go about killing whales with its sonar, as it has since 1775. But President Barack Obama seems to be working against us.

Obama is undoing some of the good that Bush did. Yesterday our new president overturned a rule in the Endangered Species Act letting federal agencies skip asking scientists if something can be built in an area where such species call home. In plain English, it means the agencies could sign off on projects without checking to see if it might hurt some of our beastly foes.

Don’t let this stop you, developers. We can always get this overturned in the courts. Besides, if that doesn’t work we can just buy off the scientists. You know, the same ones who say global warming is a sham.

‘No McNuggets? #### you, I’m calling the cops’

If your daily emergency includes having to call a 911 operator three times because your area McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, perhaps your priorities are not in order. Or,¬†maybe a Florida woman was just trying to report the Hamburglar to police after she was informed that she would have to order something else off the menu.

McDonald’s sent Latreasa Goodman (Seriously, take a look at the mugshot and try to picture the argument!) a refund and a voucher for her McNuggets order that was unfortunately not able to be processed.

Ba-da ba ba ba … I’m calling the cops on your ass!

Perhaps it was the tooth fairy?

It’s always nice when you find something extra in your wallet, but one man found something that is not exactly what he hoped for.

A man in Massachusetts went to a local Wal-Mart to browse through some wallets when he found human teeth in a zipper pouch. While it is well known that the classiest of wallets have a zipper pouch for things like coins, only the truly chic have a tooth pouch in their.

Police are investigating, but let’s be honest, there are a lot of toothless people to interview at Wal-Mart.