You Missed It: Kiss my white ass edition

It’s March! That means we must be close to spring or something. The good news is that it just sounds better to say, it’s March. It sounds like things are much better than dark, dreary February. Some of you may be excited purely because March means March Madness. Well, don’t look for any college basketball coverage here. We tend to stick to the binge drinking that March is also known for. If you were busy playing in a meaningless international baseball tournament this week, odds are you missed it.

Off to a great start changing the face of the GOP
The newly-crowned RNC Chairman Michael Steele caused some controversy when he called AM radio pundit Rush Limbaugh an “entertainer” who is known to say inflammatory things. Limbaugh of course took exception to this, and did so on his radio show, which is also televised, for the entertainment of his fans and their “mega dittos.” Steele apologized this week. Limbaugh accepted, and then went back to making inflammatory statements like how he hopes the president fails.

But why does the funny guy get whacked?
Watchmen was released in theaters, amid much hype and fanfare. The movie, based on a famous really long comic book graphic novel, has been heavily anticipated since last summer or something. Rick and Chugs held hands in the movie theater together, but did not stick around afterward, claiming they had to clean up a bit. The film opened up to mixed reviews, ranging from “It was just like the book” to “Good god was that long!”

Jacko is still whacko but he’s backo
Michael Jackson announced that he would be performing 10 final shows this summer in London. The shows are expected to sell out what he calls his “I Need This To Pay My Court Fines” tour. He said he chose London for his venue because he is really looking forward to visiting Hogwarts. (What? You expected something non-child related in a Jackson story?)

What’s the policy on presidential regifting?

You ever have one of those friends you hate during gift-giving holidays? You know, the one that goes overboard finding the most elaborate, fitting gift that you could never top?

Obama does.

The President bought what many would consider an adequate gift for visiting Prime Minister Gordon Brown: a uniquely commissioned collection of 25 great American movies on DVD. Nice.

Brown brought:

  • “a pen holder fashioned from the oak timber of HMS Gannet, a Navy vessel that served on anti-slavery missions off Africa.”
  • “a framed commissioning paper for the HMS Resolute, a Royal Navy ship that came to symbolize British-American goodwill when it was rescued by the U.S. from icebergs and given to Queen Victoria,” sister ship of the HMS Gannet.
  • “a first edition of Martin Gilbert’s seven-volume biography of Winston Churchill, whose World War II partnership with President Franklin Roosevelt symbolized the U.S.-Anglo alliance.”

Jeez. That’s a creepy, yet heartwarming, mixtape-and-a-half there: “In honor of visiting the first black President of the United States, here’s a reminder about slavery … which my country opposed … eventually, but slightly before yours.” Also: “Did you know that spiders mate for life (more or less)?”

Now that President Obama has a better idea of what kind of crazy elaborate presents to expect from Brown, maybe he’ll throw in a bag of his favorite flavor of popcorn.*

*A.K.A. the classic “Movie Night In A Box,” the cheapest ploy for sex on your couch.

‘Nugget lady is embarrassed by her actions’ — shocking!

In a SeriouslyGuys update, we think it’s important to tell you that actions sometimes have repercussions.

A few days ago, LaTreasa Goodman was in the mood for chicken nuggets at her local McDonald’s. Unfortunately, they were all out. So, she did what any insane sensible person would do and called 911 three times because they were out of the fried meat patties.

Fortunately, LaTreasa now seems to have learned something from her actions. Patience. Humility. Self-esteem. Options (something which the manager of the restaurant clearly did not want to give). The difference between an “emergency” and an emergency.

“When you feel that you’ve been mistreated or misused or robbed out of your money, you have the right to call 911,” Goodman said. “That’s the purpose of 911, so I thought.”

Or, maybe not. No. No no no no no no no.

How To: Get a scapegoat for a re-election bid

Tough times are hitting everyone, even politicians. What, you thought they had it easy since all they do to get a job is get elected? Friend, how wrong you are. Between the late night gab sessions at their congressional sleepovers and baby-kissing, it’s a cutthroat world that they work in. You’ve got to find a bill that you can attach yourself to quickly in the hopes that it can somehow validate what your voters did for you, and there are only so many scapegoats that you can create as villains. With that said, here’s a quick study to help you out, all based off of West Virginia’s State Delegate Jeff Eldridge:

1. Find an easy target. Maybe you married an all right (aesthetically) woman from high school and your kids will now never win a beauty pageant. Perhaps you were told that you’d never be an astronaut, just a house maker. Who cares, right? It’s time to select that scapegoat and ride it to the pony! Using Eldridge as our example, we suggest you use Barbie. Yes, the plastic doll. She’s such a harlot.

2. Nail all the easy points regarding how evil your scapegoat is. Again, using Eldridge as our example, remember to say such points like:

“I just hate the image that we give to our kids that if you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful and you don’t have to be smart,” Eldridge told West Virginia news station WOWK.

It’s strongly recommended that you avoid or glaze over real points regarding your actions, such as how this could actually be good for stimulating our economy when you’re asking for the outright ban of one of the most profitable toys of all time. Or, you know, why the use of government is needed to regulate a child’s doll. Or, what you can do to get jobs to your state.

3. ??????

4. Profit (and by profit, we mean get reelected).

Killer octopus could be hiding in your lunch box

The threat octopi pose to the human race is vast. These things are smart, lethal, multi-appendaged, and have no bones. (Not to mention souls, but then again, no animal has a soul.)

Earlier this week, we told you about a small octopus wreaking havoc in Santa Monica, California, so it seems we close out the week on the East Coast. Truman is an eight-armed inmate at the New England Aquarium Penitentiary in Boston. As a gag, some of the aquarium workers put a clear plastic box, roughly the size of a lunch box, with a smaller box inside containing crabs in Truman’s tank. The outer box was even locked. Normally, this is a fun prank to play on an animal. “You want the food? You can’t get the food” techniques are used the world over and legal under the Geneva Convention.

But Truman turned the prank around into something frightening. He squeezed himself through a two-inch hole in the outer box. However, he was unable to figure out how to get into the crab box. This should serve as a reminder that octopi can be anywhere, waiting to strike.

Old man Yankee

In our continuing effort to bring the least biased sports coverage out there (as long as it’s not against the Red Sox, Redskins, Steelers, Patriots or Rick’s bowling league) we bring you the latest newsflash that the New York Yankees are old.

We may have touched on Alex Rodriguez a bit, but in the latest part of the saga for number B-12 13 for the Bronx Bombers, A-Rod may need hip surgery. That’s right, the same surgery you hear your granpda complaining about as he sips his gin and smells like mothballs.

The surgery may be brought on by a cyst that was discovered while Rodriguez was working out for the Dominican Republic baseball team, even though he is from the United States. Look how his accent changes from this Peter Gammons interview (soooo American) to this contrived Latino accent in this commercial for the World Baseball Classic!

No confirmed reports have come out yet that the cyst was brought on by Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and Miguel Tejada taking turns injecting Rodriguez in the bum with Mark McGwire juice.