Day: March 10, 2009

Eat My Sports: Manny unhappy returns

In the end Scott Boras got what he deserves, embarrasment. But did fans and laid off taxpayers get a break? Not so much.

After pushing mega-client Manny Ramirez to play his way out of immortality in Boston, Boras banked on cashing in on Manny’s monstrous 53 game stint with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Turns out Boras and Ramirez severely overplayed their hand and in the end settled for a deal that was worth only (I use that world lightly) $3.6 million more than Ramirez’ Boston deal over the life of the contract.

Whoops. It’s kind of like shooting down Shannon Doherty because she’s a hooker, then settling on Tara Reid. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Manny unhappy returns

It’s like ‘Top Gun’ but in boats … and weird

If Top Gun taught us anything, it’s that communism is best faced over international waters as wet and nakedly as possible. That was 1986.

Since then, the military has faced numerous anti-Top Gun obstacles, including the collapse of communism in the Soviet Union and the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

However, in 2009, the Navy truly loves the ’80s, thanks in part to the Chinese.

During a surveillance mission over 100 miles off the coast of China, the USNS Impeccable found a collection Chinese naval, state and civilian vessels shadowing it. Two of the ships approached, their crews waving Chinese flags and telling the Impeccable to go home. The Impeccable, knowing this was the Top Gun moment they had waited their entire careers for, opened up on them with their fire hoses.

The wet fun didn’t stop there. The Chinese sailors stripped down to their underwear and continued to taunt the American crew provocatively. (What were the chances they’d run into the Chinese on laundry day?)

Creeped out but not wanting to seem homophobic, the Impeccable informed the ships “in a friendly manner” that they were leaving the area. One of the Chinese vessels maneuvered directly in front of the Impeccable, forcing her to an all-stop. They then dropped their large wooden plank right in front of the American’s nose.

Still, the Impeccable escaped. U.S. and Chinese officials have each lodged complaints against the other’s actions in what may be the world’s first maritime legal “You know how I know you’re gay?” arguments.

Not asking permission and getting sued: still in fashion

The UK’s Change4Life campaign — which links playing video games with obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and cancer — could draw fire from Sony for using a PlayStation-like controller in their print ad. Legal fire, that is, which — as we all know — is the third hottest fire that’s possible (behind orphanage arson fire and burning Benjamins in front of a hobo fire).

CHUNG-CHUNG.

The magazine ad in question features a young boy obviously not enjoying himself while holding a dual analog wireless controller, similar to that used with the PlayStation 3 and its predecessor. The print warns that even healthy-looking inactive children risk cancer, diabetes, and heart disease once they reach adulthood. Sony Computer Entertainment Europe is currently considering legal action against the ad creators.

CHUNG-CHUNG.

Now, having an active lifestyle? Top notch. Alluding that playing video games is a direct cause of not having an active lifestyle? Not as top notch. Using an ad that essentially equates their product with killing kids? Get ’em, Sony.

Cheers no more

Eddie Doyle, the bartender whose establishment inspired the 1980s hit sitcom “Cheers,” has been laid off after over 35 years of getting Bostonians over their yearly October hangover prior to 2004. Bull & Finch’s owner was quoted as saying that the economy was to blame, but we as true blooded Americans know that the only people to blame for this travesty are terrorists.

Great, now they’re using weapons

If you read this blog at all, you know the one simple truth: animals are everywhere and they are out to get us. But you’re smart, you come here for the latest updates. We help you face the danger others choose to ignore so they can sleep at night. We’re like your own person Jack Bauer.

If you ever find yourself in Sweden, don’t go to the Furuvik Zoo–unless you’re armed. That’s where the Swedes are keeping Santino the chimpanzee. Like any other chimp, Santino is dangerous as hell and has no regard for human life. But he takes it a step eviler.

Santino plots when he’s had enough of tourists. So he piles up some rocks and waits for just the right time. When the time comes, he launches the rocks at unsuspecting tourists, sometimes hitting them. Why does he do this? You can only fling poop so far.