So I’m ditty-boppin’ around Fark, when I came across this headline: “Jason Segel on working with Paul Rudd: ‘I slowly open my eyes, and Paul is standing there with his d___ out.'” (Here’s the actual story. Don’t pretend you’re not curious.)
I wasn’t too surprised to read bizarre peniphobic comments. After all, I did see The Watchmen this weekend.
I liked The Watchmen. Fortunately for Zack Snyder, I had to watch it twice because the first time was too distracting. A number of people in the audience could not shut up about Doctor Manhattan’s blue dork. One actually started booing because the character would not stop having a penis. These same people applauded when Silk Spectre II’s tits were on-screen.
There is a disturbing dichotomy in our society folks — a sexist one, if you ask me — and it’s high time we whipped this issue out. There is nothing wrong with the penis. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Embrace the penis
Movies make time travel seem like a fun little jaunt into the past or enlightening vision quest into the future. You meet your kids all grown up, save the President and maybe even risk destroying the time-space continuum by creating a looping paradox. All enjoyable, right?
Wrong. Time travel is dangerous, risking time traveler and contemporaries alike. And you might even french your mom. (Ew.)
That is why we are starting a counter-science movement on this site. It is important that we do not allow science to forgo morality in an attempt to endanger Americans and spit in the face of God.
Reason to Ban Time Travel #1: Risk of Exposure to Medieval Morons
We know it’s not fair to judge people in the past of their scientific knowledge, but seriously, vampires?
Italian archaeologists discovered the remains of a suspected vampire. How did they know that the corpse was a suspect? Because a f#&king rock was shoved into its skull.
And this isn’t a one-time moment of lunacy. No, they find these every so often in medieval mass burial sites from plagues. That’s right: they attributed the continuing illness to vampires, and if you got sick, died, and took longer than an hour to decompose, then you were suspect.
So, you could explain to illiterate wrath-of-God-fearing morons how you’re not a vampire, just severely allergic to ancient fresh air … or we could just ban time travel. Hm, which seems easier?
It’s a well known and scientific fact that Japan has some of the worst teachers ever. Obviously bothered by seeing this documented in many real-life fictional accounts documentaries on film, Japanese teachers are sick and tired of dealing with their students, instead wishing to deal with the sharp-end of a knife instead. So, in order to combat this, Japan is putting Saya the robot into the classroom. You know, the same country with the rent-a-cop robot.
Saya has been used previously as a receptionist at an Israeli University, and — now that she’s moved up in life from there — she’s prepared to take on the classroom. The robot’s skill sets include “[being] multilingual, [organizing] set tasks for pupils, [calling] the roll and [getting] angry when the kids misbehave.” Thank god and the First Robotic Law that it can only get angry; it certainly can’t do anything about the students misbehaving.
Japan’s plan is to have a robot in every home by 2015. But certainly not more people. Nope. That’s out of the question. No coitus for the otakus. But now, not only will we have robots in every home, but we’ll have them in every school! This is fairly questionable, given that the AI has the intelligence of a two-year-old. More use for it will be created by the students that’ll learn how to manipulate it and turn it into Skynet a killing machine.
There’s only one thing to do: we have to fight these robots and put them down for good. Now, come with us if you want to live.
We knew something was up with that midget brown-noser Ryan Seacrest. American Idol producers have found that when the 13th performer comes on stage, the number used to vote, 1-866-IDOLS-13, actually linked to a porn line looking for a “nasty girl.”
The number for Idol has been changed, however there is still no news as to whether the nasty girl was, in fact, Seacrest.
Once again, a reminder that though spring may more or less be here, the War on Animals continues. In fact, the warmer temperatures are inspiring beasts all over to attack us. Usually, we only warn you of a potential threat. This is not one of those posts.
An owl in Maine really, really doesn’t like people. It has been attacking cross country skiers that come near its locale. The attacks are so frequent that warning signs have been put up in the area to prevent anyone else getting hurt. The owl swoops in at night (but really, why are you cross country skiing at night, if not to be attacked by wildlife?) and smacks people in the head, then flies off again. Worst of all, it’s a great horned owl. AN OWL WITH HORNS?