Day: March 20, 2009

You Missed It: Obama does Jay-walking edition

Hi, folks. Have you gotten over your hangovers yet? You were probably out drinking green beer on Tuesday afternoon, just as St. Patrick (or for our Spanish-speaking readers, San Patricio) had asked to be remembered. Here’s a new reason to celebrate, aside from the fact that it’s Friday: it’s the first day of spring! If you were busy updating your mugshot, odds are you missed it.

Well, Letterman, there’s always Cheney
Barack Obama, the current U.S. president that is living in the White House right now and has the nuke codes and stuff, sat down for an interview on 20/20 60 Minutes The View The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Obama has time for these interviews, because he’s not busy fixing the economy. So how did he do? Let’s listen to him describe his bowling abilities.

“”It’s like — it was like Special Olympics or something.”

Ug. Sounds like his material needs a bailout.

Recession punching bag of the week
Last week it was Jim Cramer ruining the economy. This week, we turned our attention to AIG CEO G. Gordon Edward Liddy. On Wednesday, Liddy testified at a congressional hearing, in an attempt to explain why his company had given out millions of dollars in bonuses, some of which were retention bonuses to people who left, after receiving federal bailout money. Liddy apologized to lawmakers and–I’m sorry, mobs are shouting too loud. Can’t even hear myself type. Let’s move on.

Banana pickers working all day really should stop habit of ‘drink a rum’
If you’re like most people, you like your bananas as spider-free as you can get them. However, if you live in Oklahoma, you may want to change to another fruit. In Tulsa, a Brazilian wandering spider was found wandering on some bananas at a grocery store  that had been shipped in from Honduras (which is not Brazil). The spider was saved, even though it is one of the deadliest spiders on Earth, and transferred to a local university. However, the spider did not make it through the week. Due to safety concerns, the spider was destroyed, likely by firing squad.

Dear New Jersey: Two does not equal a lot

In these stringent and lean economic times (cliche points +2), New Jersey feels the need to end the jobs of many people. Particularly, those that get rather hands on with their work. Specifically those that rip the pubic hair off of the lovely people plain and simple citizens of New Jersey.

Yes, because two (2) women have complained about their injuries resulting from a Brazilian wax, the New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is contemplating putting a ban on Brazilian waxes in their state. That’s right, there’s no possibility of overreaction in that state. Hirsutes and former 70’s porn stars were heard rejoicing the state over.

So, what have we learned?

  • The New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling wants to put people out of business.
  • The New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is quite prone to overreaction.
  • New Jersey is still one of the worst states in the United States of America.

The problem with subs

If there’s one thing the U.S. can’t abide, it’s being showed up by their European counterparts. After a U.S. and Russian satellite collision, Olde Wyrlde rivals, the British and the French, kicked it old school and collided a couple of submarines.

If there’s one thing this country persists in, it’s our Navy! (Official motto: “200 years of tradition, unimpeded by progress!”) Americans won’t just sit back and let our backwards cousins to the East relive the technological adventures of the 19th century alone. We’ve followed up with not just a sub collision, but a sub colliding into a state-of-the-art amphibious troop carrier!

…

OK, so maybe these sub collisions aren’t intentional. If so, then maybe it’s time to make them a little less stealth? For the safety of sailors everywhere?

Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads

We all hate the long commute to work, at the very least, we all hate the traffic we get stuck in when we desperately need to be somewhere. Don’t you wish you could just soar over all the cars and get there on time, unimpeded? Well, you can.

The future is now, folks. We now have flying cars. Move over Scaramanga, (that’s the villain from The Man With the Golden Gun, he has a flying car, remember?) Terrafugia brings us the flying car, which does apparently work. And here you thought you weren’t paying enough for gas. The flying car had a test flight this week, and soared for a glorious 36 seconds. It landed safely and according to the company, you can drive it home. However, you may not want to take it on crowded roads, as the wings may hit other cars and kill you and several other people.

All this can be yours next year for the low, low price of $194,000, plus aviation experience.