You Missed It: The mighty have fallen edition

It’s Friday, and by now your NCAA tournament brackets are messed up. Well, that’s what you get for gambling. You do know that it’s illegal, right? At this point, you are probably looking to find some sort of diversion from thinking about the massive losses you have incurred. If you were busy getting stalked by a guy on the set of “Dancing with the Stars,” odds are you missed it.

Everyone get ready for another bracelet campaign
Lance Armstong fell in the first stage of some bike race in Spain, breaking his collar bone. Along with it, Armstrong shattered the hopes and dreams of young Americans everywhere who dream of growing up and pedaling really fast professionally. Luckily, he did not break his Twitter, as evidenced by the fact that he continued tweeting leading up to his surgery. Still being investigated: if tweeting and riding caused the accident in the first place.

Gun gun be gun, gun gun be gun gun
Things are not good for Rihanna. Even though she’s now 21, a year by rights she should not have to remember, she is got a boyfriend who allegedly hits her, she is catching heat for staying with him anyway, and um, Jay-Z probably has something to say about all of it, too. Clearly, it is time for some image recovery. Rihanna knows this, that is why she got a tattoo of a gun  near her right armpit. Perfect! Now we can no longer associate you with violence!

Nobody lies to Congress but Congress
Major League Baseball’s Miguel Tejada was sentenced to one year of probation, a $5,000 fine and 100 hours of community service for lying to Congress about his use of performance enhancing drugs. That’s right folks, let the word go our hence forth that if you want to do illegal drugs and then lie about it to federal lawmakers, all it takes is a fraction of your annual salary, some “Kids, don’t do drugs” public service announcements and a year of double-secret probation. Take THAT! Tejada will probably also have to buy his team, the Houston Astros, all lunch or something, too.

Who will cry for the boob jobs?

There’s no doubt about it: there are plenty of women out there who will do anything for bigger boobs. And why not? They get attention, make you seem smarter, help balance heavy loads on laundry day and can steer the car while applying mascara.

Take, for example, Annabel Newell, who upgraded from A’s to C’s because she didn’t like her body. Fair enough, it’s a free country and God bless her.

So what’s the problem? People are asking about them, often because they look so unreal:

  • “When did you get them?”
  • “Are they real?”
  • “Can I touch them?”
  • “Can they heal my canker sore, and how can you be so sure without trying first?”

Sure, they’re rude questions. People are jerks. End of story, right?

“‘We’ve sensationalized the whole plastic surgery industry with shows like Extreme Makeover and Nip/Tuck, so now people feel they can discuss it, even with complete strangers,’ [Newell] says. ‘But it’s none of your business, and it’s extremely offensive to pry. What if I was a cancer survivor?‘”

Ah, yes. Let’s blame television. Of course, it’s television’s fault that women with clinically recorded lower self-esteem and body issues get very obvious cosmetic surgery for attention, and then get upset because people can’t help but notice that they’re unnatural. Let’s blame everyone else and the boob tube (sorry) because people like this believe that we’re not born a complete person without huge knockers. (Not that The Guys haven’t tried eating more.)

And why can we say this kind of crap? Because Newell’s not a cancer survivor.

We don’t judge breast implants here at SG (we merely evaluate them for weight and texture); but, we do have a mean spot for neurotic whiners who compare their condition to having cancer.

Another win for intelligence! We did it!

The big meanies up in Utah decided to create a little thing called HB 353. What is HB 353, other than the worst nightmares of Satan, Hitler and John Lennon all rolled up into one? It’s a video game and movie bill brought about originally by Jack Thompson, in which stiffer fines to video game retailers and movie theaters that gave minors access to games or movies rated above their age level would be added. Also, it’s a giant leap in logic that doesn’t actually look for true accountability (i.e., most parents). So what’s the big hub-bub?

It breezed through the Utah House and Senate by wide margins and it was expected that Governor Jon Huntsman of Utah would back it as well. Not so.

“While protecting children from inappropriate materials is a laudable goal, the language of this bill is so broad that it likely will be struck down by the courts as an unconstitutional violation of the Dormant Commerce Clause and/or the First Amendment,” explained Huntsman. “The industries most affected by this new requirement indicated that rather than risk being held liable under this bill, they would likely choose to no longer issue age appropriate labels on goods and services.

“Therefore, the unintended consequence of the bill would be that parents and children would have no labels to guide them in determining the age appropriateness of the goods or service, thereby increasing children’s potential exposure to something they or their parents would have otherwise determined was inappropriate under the voluntary labeling system now being recognized and embraced by a significant majority of vendors.”

It’s a well known fact that I’m a bit of a major spelling and grammar nazi. Nonetheless, I’ve never been more happy to see sloppy writing. Well, that and some major lobbying by the video game industry. A big and hearty congratulations to everyone who helped knock the bill proposal down. You’ve earned it.

We missed our calling

In an effort to further prove why we should start adapting foreign policies in sports, Australia’s rugby leadgue officials have stood by a $1,000 per player alcohol bonus because of a scholarship. That’s right kids, if you train hard and play for the Kangaroos World Cup team, you will be given $1,000 to blow on booze.

Australia, you don’t need to explain, we get it. You work hard, you play hard, and you want to drink even harder. Just remember, our Booze News collection compliments any night of hard drinking.

We need to keep their numbers down

It’s spring time, and that means only one thing: doing it in public. (No, not you, SG will not endorse your risky and technically illegal fornication.) Animals. They are doing it everywhere and in full view of the public.

In China, gerbils are doing it way too much, and the wild gerbil population (Side note: so that’s where they’re from!) is getting out of hand. Luckily, China doesn’t have the whiny liberal-commie-carp-kissers that we have here in the U.S., so they’re giving gerbils abortion pills to keep their numbers down. Normally, this blog would be all for having fewer animals to worry about, but giving gerbils abortion pills will only send the message to them that it’s OK to have sex, when in reality it isn’t. Animals can’t marry, and you’re not supposed to have sex before marriage, so that means animals shouldn’t mate. How’s that for some population control?

Speaking of population problems, in Northern Ireland, grey squirrels have taken over a woman’s home and are likely holding her hostage. The squirrels showed up in Oonagh Nutt (Yes, teehee, her last name is “Nutt.” HAVE SOME DECENCY YOU BASTARDS!) several years ago but in the past year and a half have gotten into the house and are tearing it apart.

“I’ve had pest control round putting poison down in the roof space and travel routes through the house. But then they died inside the cavity walls and the house is infested with flies. It’s a nightmare,” she said. “We’ve had squirrel catchers, traps, lights, sonar. Everything but the kitchen sink.”

Mrs. Nutt, we have a suggestion for you.