The McBournie Minute: Sexual sandwich making

I am a fan of lunch, in fact, I try to eat lunch at least once a day. Sometimes I don’t bring lunch to work, instead, I decide to splurge and get a sub from Quizno’s. It can be said that I enjoy their subs there, especially the sub prices that were temporarily low and were raised again a couple weeks ago (bastards!).

Around the same time, new television commercials for Quizno’s surfaced, and some of you know, I can’t resist mocking commercials. This one takes sandwiches to a level of creepy seldom reached by two slices of bread with meat and condiments in between: it’s the new ads for the Toasty Torpedo.

Let’s get past the juvenile snickering at the name, and the fact that it’s a thin, yet long sub now apparently meant to compete with Subway’s Warm Wang Sandwich. This is not the type of a commercial for dirty minds. So let’s move on. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Sexual sandwich making

Where the #### do we sign up?

Florida: you’re a weird state; but, out of weirdness comes awesome ideas. The Guys are ready to join your Python Patrol.

The Python Patrol has nothing to do with ex-living wrestler Jake the Snake Roberts (unless someone released his snake in Florida) and everything to do with hunting down and capturing large, dangerous fugitive snakes before they reach the Florida Keys.

Sign us the #### up. Seriously. We will put any children into boarding (since your state has some problems with keeping them unmurdered) and move right the #### down there. We don’t even need uniforms; just give us some really cool ball caps or badges or Jeff Corwin sticks.

It should be noted that the group does this to save Florida’s native endangered species from being devoured whole by pythons (which they do by unhinging their jaws! Awesome!), so we would technically be saving animals, which violates our pro-War on Animals stance …

You know what? Say what you will; once the pythons are gone, the manatees will start gaining numbers and destroying property, maybe even beating up bottlenose dolphins. And once we get rid of those ugly beasties, well, dolphins can be dicks. Point is, we’re ready to help you “control” your animals, Florida, one species at a time.

Cocks on the way down

Utterly hillarious last names are suffering a bit of shrinkage over in Britain. Turns out last names like Cockshotts and Balls are being weeded out.  In an ironic twist though, the last name Wang is soaring in popularity. Apparently people in Britain with unfortunate last names are being made fun of, and thus changing their names in the process.

Who would make fun of someone for having “cock” in their last name? Seriously, why … wait … oh, you guys are sick.

And next year, he’ll be old enough to go to sex-ed class

You remember Alfie, don’t you? He’s the newly made thirteen year old father that loves playing games that he’s actually not old enough to play. Wellllll, now that’s only a kinda.

A DNA test cleared Alfie of fatherly responsibility, but rather than celebrating his freedom by spending the diaper money on beer and hair gel, he’s reported to be “devastated.” No one knows who the real father is, either. But with the youngest candidate removed, it makes this following statement non operative:

“It’s an indication that we’ve lost our way, that people don’t know the difference between right and wrong,” said Sir Bernard Ingham, former press secretary to former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. “The plain fact is society can’t proceed on this basis. I think this is an indication of broken Britain.”

Of course, a girl is still a mother at age 15, and even worse, she has no idea who the father is, but you know, that kind of shame is a dime a dozen, certainly doesn’t rise to a moral crisis. Even better, now Alfie gets to celebrate “Not a Father’s Day!”

A rise in night class numbers

Good news, students of Boston Latin School (located in Boston, oddly enough)! Your school does not have vampires roaming the halls, according to your headmaster.

Rumors at the school have persisted that some students at the school are vampires, others are half vampires and some werewolves, too. Yet this has done little to soothe the concerns of parents, who are worried that there is someone out there, lurking in the shadows, ready to harass their sons or daughters without warning.

In response, parents will likely begin sending their kids to school with guns–loaded with silver bullets, of course.