The McBournie Minute: Sexual sandwich making

I am a fan of lunch, in fact, I try to eat lunch at least once a day. Sometimes I don’t bring lunch to work, instead, I decide to splurge and get a sub from Quizno’s. It can be said that I enjoy their subs there, especially the sub prices that were temporarily low and were raised again a couple weeks ago (bastards!).

Around the same time, new television commercials for Quizno’s surfaced, and some of you know, I can’t resist mocking commercials. This one takes sandwiches to a level of creepy seldom reached by two slices of bread with meat and condiments in between: it’s the new ads for the Toasty Torpedo.

Let’s get past the juvenile snickering at the name, and the fact that it’s a thin, yet long sub now apparently meant to compete with Subway’s Warm Wang Sandwich. This is not the type of a commercial for dirty minds. So let’s move on.

It’s a talking toaster, using its powers of persuation on a Quizno’s employee who is violating the Health Code by not wearing a hat while making and serving food. The toaster tempts “Scott” with a new idea. Apparently, these two have a history, because Scott was duped into giving the toasted a sponge bath or something. The toaster, in typical sexual predator form, replies back, “We both enjoyed that.” Again, I stress this is not about some potential sexual content.

“Put it in me, Scott.”

OK, yes, yes it is about the sexual content and the unnatural love between a man and his corporate-owned toaster oven. The machine is just dying for some long, meaty Torpedo love. It wants to heat it up with love. After it convinces Scott the Employee to do as it commands, it makes Scott talk about the sandwich in a sexy way, demanding it say it sexier and sexier.

I am glad the employees of Quizno’s enjoy their jobs. I’m comfortable with the fact that they make up fantasy worlds where the kitchen equipment talks to them. I’m coming to terms with the thought of a sandwich and an oven being used as sexual metaphors. What I can’t take is the overall creepiness of this ad and my astonishment that no one is reacting negatively to it yet.

When I think about lunch, I don’t want to think about people slobbering all over my sandwich. I don’t want to think about the possible symbolism of it all. It’s enough as it is to shut out the thought of how few people wash their hands after using the bathroom, and one of them could have been manhandling my sandwich at any step of its production.

I had considered trying the Torpedo when I saw a poster for it at Quizno’s, but the ads have successfully turned it off for me. You fill never find any such torpedo near my mouth, thank you very much. Come to mention it, I hope that was horseradish sauce they put in my sandwich last time.

One thought on “The McBournie Minute: Sexual sandwich making”

  1. I wonder how many people will stick their sex organs into hot ovens now, thanks to this commercial.

    If Quizno’s official answer is, “All the stupid ones,” then I will eat there twice a day.

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