Eat My Sports: It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Oh thank god, it’s baseball season! March Madness be damned. I love baseball, seven glorious months of our national pastime, let’s get ready to drink warm beer, eat cold hot dogs and watch a group of players who make your annual salary in an inning!

With the start of every season comes my annual predictions. I’ll admit, last year I was wrong about the Rays, but who saw that coming? Apparently Tampa didn’t either because they didn’t sellout a home game that wasn’t against Boston or New York until the playoffs. Great fanbase my ass.

Anywho, let’s start off with the NL. Continue reading Eat My Sports: It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Alabama is trying to have sex with me

The criminal justice system in Alabama has always been interesting — so interesting, in fact, that it got a Best Actress Academy Award for Marisa Tomei.

Today, the Good Ol’ Boy Network just took on an entirely new meaning.

Former Mobile County Circuit Judge Herman Thomas has been arrested, accused by a grand jury of “borrowing” male inmates and coercing them into sexual play like paddling and whipping. Court documents include references to inmates’ tales of paddlin’s and old fashioned sexu’l encounters in Thomas’ office.

Thomas’ attorney, Robert Clark, calls these charges a “high tech lynching,” an attempt by “right-wing Republicans” to get rid of “the only black circuit judge we’ve ever had in Mobile County.”

Our Position:
If either sides’ allegations prove true, then it’s time to let Alabama secede from the Union again and get swallowed up by Mexico. At least their judges only take cash bribes.


Annnnnnd there goes Malaysia.

All right, so at the end of World War II (aka, the War We Won, Gol-Dernit), we took away Japan’s military presence, leaving them with the Self Defense Force. They’re only allowed to spend 2% of their GDP on the protectorate of the nation (which is still a heckuva lot of money, mind you), and so it leaves them with a lot of free time.

I guess that’s why they built a giant killer robot. You know, for “art.” At least that’s what artist Yanobe Kenji says.

According to him, the robot will be safe from the whims of evil men who want to conquer the world.

“This giant toratan doll is the ultimate child’s weapon, as it sings, dances, breathes fire, and follows only those orders given by children.”

Oh great, let children control a device that breathes fire and has a true purpose as “art.” We’ll be real safe then. Smooth move, Japan. It’s not like you already have a scary history with robots.

The robot, sighted in Roppongi, stands about 24 ft tall and is made of aluminum, steel, brass, FRP, and styrofoam. What does that mean?The best way to take the behemoth down would be with a giant magnet. Either that, or just start fighting the kids controlling the thing. They’ll go down pretty easy.

Unless they don’t go down easy at all. In which case, SG would like to print a correction: at the end of World War II, we every country but the United States of America took away Japan’s military presence, leaving them with the Self Defense Force.

Ready, set … nothing

Today marks the end of the calendar for March, so unless you’re like me, and filed your taxes in February, chances are you’re sweating out that April 15 tax deadline.

Did you say “tax,” Bryan?

I most certainly did, and guess what, our government’s brilliant stimulus package is heading your way too next month. Only this time, it’s a little bit skewed. President Barack Obama has requested that employers adjust their payroll to start giving the tax breaks that basically equal out to your cut of the money our government just made up out of thin air.

How does this affect you? Congratulations, my friend, if your company adjusted it’s payroll accordingly, you’ll be getting an extra $15-$20 a week courtesy of Uncle Sam.

Here’s a list of things you can buy for $15:

  • 15 and 1/15 Britney Spears songs on iTunes
  • Two “value meals” from Burger King (just don’t “King Size” it)
  • Three gallons of milk
  • Gratitude from Pauly Shore on an L.A. street corner begging for cash (seriously, the guy has to be broke by now)

Your pets are trying to kill you

According to a recent study, cats and dogs are trying to trip you. In fact, they are responsible for 86,000 falls every year, and that number is only expected to rise.

Pets are making Americans fall because they dash in front of our legs as we are walking, sometimes down the stairs. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, if you own a dog, you are far more likely to fall than if you own a cat, and roughly 20 times more likely to fall than if you own a goldfish.

So far, no one is known to have been killed in such falls, just some broken bones, cuts, sprains, buildings, etc. But you know they’ll keep trying.