MasterChugs Theater: ‘I Know Who Killed Me’

Posted on April 30, 2009
Filed Under Awful April, MasterChugs Theater | 1 Comment |

I Know Who Killed Me feels like a deliberate exercise in cinematic ineptitude. When movies are released theatrically, they carry with them an obligation to at least appear professional and possess some kind of virtue to entice the audience. With its amateur presentation, “I Know” is better suited as a direct-to-DVD release, or perhaps as a midnight movie on the USA Network back in the early 90′s. It shouldn’t have been made this way at all. Many times, it’s been said about some movies by other people that “pornos have better plots.” I don’t know about better plots, but in regards to this movie, perhaps higher standards.

Given Lindsay Lohan’s colorful public behavior and continuing legal difficulties, playing a stripper with a crackhead mom might not have been the best way to distract from her tabloid image. Fortunately, in the attempted psychological thriller I Know Who Killed Me, Lohan also plays a wealthy college student who writes fiction, excels at the piano and refuses to sleep with her boyfriend. That’s all right, then. Read more

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Staying G’d up is too costly

Posted on April 30, 2009
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |

Like most businesses in Japan at the moment, the yakuza are also feeling the economic recession squeeze. The Japanese mafia has purged some of their ranks in an attempt to save themselves; like out of work yakuza Taro Hiramatsu. He said,

“The yakuza have been hit by the financial crisis because they’ve invested in the stock market among other things. For yakuza today, money buys everything, including senior positions.”

Meaning, no money, no job; and for him that would cost something like $30,000 a month to the organization. One of the reasons why the yakuza are in this situation, is because of their gradual evolution from street gangster to ‘investment bankers with guns’. In 1992 the police began to crack down on yakuza crimes, forcing their bosses to be liable for the crimes committed by their cannon fodder. After this, the yakuza began to pick on the big boys, extorting money from blue-chip companies and the like. They then began investing in stocks, real estate, and other things a normal business would invest in; thusly making them susceptible to the troubles of every-day men.

The only thing to save the yakuza now is to return to their roots and start getting their hands dirty once again. For the sake of all of us, they must! It’s the only way to save all of our vices in these harsh economic times!

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Baby Joan Crawford

Posted on April 30, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |

... too far? This just in: Mommy doesn’t love you.

We’ll be right back, but after the break, we’ll show you:

The broken condom that ruined Daddy’s life.
The now unusable “Send two boys to football camp, and the third gets in FREE!” coupon.
The bottle of Draino we debate pouring into your formula.

We’ll laugh about this in 20 years! (Well, the rest of us will.)

Written by Rick Snee

.327 BA and an A-B Cup

Posted on April 30, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | 1 Comment |

The Alex Rodriguez hits just keep on coming. Selena Roberts new book on A-Rod not only details some of his alleged steroid abuse beyond what he’s admitted to, but also that A-Rod grew, oh, how can we say this? Boobs. Man boobs to be exact. And his nickname amongst the Yankee clubhouse circa 2005 was “B***h T**s.” This and more in-depth looks into Major League Baseball brought to you by Sports Illustrated!

Written by Bryan Schools

Free the Palmer 8th grade class!

Posted on April 30, 2009
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |

Alaska is known for a lot of things–polar bears, oil spills and Sarah Palin. But one thing that it’s not so well known for is its valliant effort in the War on Animals, why even the middle schoolers know who the enemy is, and by golly, they are not afraid to meet it on the battlefield!

Some eight-graders in Palmer, Alaska, were let outside in the frozen tundra of the state. Quickly, they found a juvenile moose that was likely being used to spy on the youth. In response, the students taunted the moose and scared it so much that it somehow injured itself fatally. The students are now being “disciplined” by the school, when really, they should be celebrated.

Written by Bryan McBournie

Take it from Snee: Justice has a new s##tface

Posted on April 29, 2009
Filed Under Take it from Snee | 3 Comments |

So, it turns out that there are costumed heroes roving the streets of Cincinnati. (Seriously, watch the video.)

Yeah, I was surprised, too. I thought Cincinnati burned down shortly after WKRP was canceled. But, no: Shadowhare, your friendly neighborhood guy-who’s-obsessed-with-Donnie-Darko-and-Watchmen, patrols the streets with his band of presumably twenty-something-year-old friends, talking to homeless people, annoying (yet, entertaining) cops and even communicating with other likeminded individuals online.

The first thing that came to mind was, “Where did I go after The Guys’ last get-together: The Absinthe-Minded Professors.” (We watched both versions while drinking absinthe and, after running out, then concocted our own “flubber.”)

No, I’m not Nightbunny. But The Guys fit the profile so much that perhaps we should fight crime, fueled by liquid courage. But, what would we look like? Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Swine Flu Madness!

Posted on April 29, 2009
Filed Under A Word from Our Sponsors | 1 Comment |

Either way, the tummy ache is worth it.

Just a reminder: while only one person in the U.S. has died of swine flu, over 13,000 died from the regular-ass flu this year.

This message is brought to you by Purell.

UPDATE:
Ice cream cured patient zero, a little boy in Mexico.

This message is brought to you by Ben and Jerry’s Neato-Burrito flavored ice cream, now approved by the AMA.

Written by Rick Snee

Super sweet Robocop style helmet not included.

Posted on April 29, 2009
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Tokyoh-no! | 1 Comment |

When we think of robot exoskeletons, we think about some sort of a vehicle that carries two giant guns to help fight off the robots when they (eventually) gain sentience. I’m sorry to say real life isn’t that cool, because when scientists invent an awesome robot suit, they make them for farmers; not bloggers. Lame. This exo-suit was created by Tokyo University of Agriculture and Technology, and is tailored for the 40% of Japan’s workers who are over 65.

This actually makes perfect sense. What is going to happen to Japan when 40% of its farmers retire? It is not going to be pretty. Thus any technology to keep those old people working and not me is definitely something to look into. This machine will help them with constantly having to bend over and lift (semi) heavy objects. Anything to make work easier is definitely something I can get behind. See, Japan, this is putting your scientific knowledge to proper use, as opposed to creating exo-suits of robotic destruction or massive robotic animals.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Mr. T and the jurors

Posted on April 29, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | 3 Comments |

God help the jury of peers that disagree with Mr. T, because the man who made “Rocky III” intolerable is now on his way to jury duty. Hollywood, you better be paying attention, this has the makings of a film with Eugene Levy all over it.

Written by Bryan Schools

Not so Jolly Roger

Posted on April 29, 2009
Filed Under Pirates | Leave a Comment |

No doubt ye know about the rash o’ pirate attacks in the last several months. They’ve been robbin’ an’ plunderin’ to their hearts’ content–except for when the U.S. Navy shoots them. In any case, these pirates be givin’ pirates a bad name, so says Cap’n Slappy, one o’ the founders o’ International Talk Like A Pirate Day.