MasterChugs Theater: ‘House of the Dead’
Posted on April 2, 2009
Filed Under Awful April, MasterChugs Theater, Zombies | Leave a Comment |
Awful April begins, and boy do we have a doozy. German director Uwe Boll is one of the few to succeed in making most people cower in terror. Sadly, not because the movie we’re gonna take a look at is a scary movie per se, more that $12,000,000 was wasted on such a celluloid abomination. House of the Dead is that rare beast that goes beyond bad and then beyond “so bad it’s good” into its own little niche where even the most die-hard horror fans fear to tread.
When talking about this movie, think “so bad it’s irredeemable”.
Want to know why? Are you a hardcore masochist? Figure out for yourself the answer to both questions and just hit the jump already. Read more
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorFuneral home has no legs to stand on
Posted on April 2, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim, Headline of the Day | Leave a Comment |
Did you know that you’re going to die?
Yes, we mean you, right there, reading this post on SeriouslyGuys. And your boss who’s reading over your shoulder right now, too.
Just kidding! No, not about dying. That’s still going to happen, maybe 20 years from now, maybe during your next bathroom break.
The important part is that you need to make sure that you’re buried 100 percent intact. The last thing you need is for your vacated body to rot unevenly once you’re hoisted into the ground while wearing a backless suit and short pants. Dignity, people.
Why do we bring this up? Cave Funeral Services, an Allendale, South Carolina funeral home, is under investigation for possibly severing a corpse’s legs so it would fit into the coffin. Of course, the reports imply that a man’s legs were severed, but let’s just agree that — no matter what you believe — he wasn’t exactly “home” anymore.
The body of the ex-6-foot, five-inch-James Hines has been exhumed from its 2004 grave for investigation by the coroner based on the allegations of a former employee of the parlor. While the coroner, Hayzen Black, has found “undesirable evidence,” but would not elaborate on whether the ghost of James Hines is in a wheelchair.
Written by Rick SneeWhat? There are benefits to being unemployed?
Posted on April 2, 2009
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
Hey there guy and/or girl! Are you an unemployed foreigner who wants to get out of Japan? Of course you are! We all are! Well, now you’ve got a free ride, and it’s all courtesy of the Japanese government.
Just don’t expect to get back in, though.
Foreigners in Japan on Nikkei visas and are out of a job now have a free plane ticket home. A nice sum of 300,000 yen (roughly $3043 dollars US as of the time of writing) will be given to the head of the household; 200,000 yen to dependents. Book your flights and adios. But there is a cost here: no coming back. If you take payment, you’re agreeing to give up the right to claim Japanese heritage to get back into Japan (on a visa) in the future. Tough break, weeaboo.
That’s kind of nice, don’t you think? “If you wanna go, go. Oh, and here’s some money to do so.” Just be careful of the vigilant militia of former pilots that patrol the airports.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWe have discovered the mystery surrounding the Cliterhoe
Posted on April 2, 2009
Filed Under Booze News | Leave a Comment |
Jay and Silent Bob aside, many of you have been wondering about this mysterious “Cliterhoe.” And yes, it’s pronounced just like it looks, much like Focker. However, in this case, which we here at SG will no longer call the French dainty little pansies, they are selling booze cheap, really cheap.
In a recent renovation of Cliterhoe Castle, it was found that it was actually exempt from UK tax laws, and can sell their booze for much less than any other UK booze outlet. In other news, The Guys have found the Cliterhoe and will be setting up operations there from here on out.
Written by Bryan SchoolsToo hot to handle, too cold to hold
Posted on April 2, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
There’s pink water in Ohio, which as we understand it, means it’s officially spring! According to the Lake County Department of Utilities northeast of Cleveland said the water was pink because of a chemical overload, but everything was just fine.
A spokesman explained it was simply an accident, and was in no way connected with the painting of Vigo the Carpathian across town, or Vigo’s search for a baby to live inside so he can once again rule the world. Nope, it was really just potassium permanganate. Nothing to see here, folks. At least not until New Year’s Eve.
Written by Bryan McBournie