Day: April 8, 2009

Take it from Snee: Communication’s gone to s#*t

20,000 B.C.

I am alarmed by the cries of my kinsman, Ook, and seek him out. I find him behind a large stone some paces away from our lean-to: a temporary lodging made of sticks, leaves and hides that we use on longer hunting trips.

There Ook is squatting above the ground, making his morning constitutional. I steel myself, expecting to apply suction to a poisonous snake wound or kill a stalking saber tooth cat.

Ook makes a strange sound: “Look.”

I cock my head sideways and scratch my armpit to signal that I do not understand.

Ook makes the same sound again, this time pointing down. “Look.” He then adds more strange utterances: “Look what I make.”

He perceives that I still don’t understand and stands up, pointing down at a semi-swirled pile of feces. “Poop,” he says as he points to it. “I make poop. You see.”

I realize that Ook has started using language and has chosen to demonstrate this by calling me during his “brown time.” Continue reading Take it from Snee: Communication’s gone to s#*t

Teenagers: Can’t live with them, send them to prison

Like a new puppy, kids start out all right. They eat cheap, simple meals. When they bite you, it’s adorable because they don’t have teeth. When you shake them, they make an adorable gassy face as their eyes cross.

Unfortunately, like puppies, they grow out of that. (Most of the time.) What to do with a pimply squawking teenager, what … to … do …

Oh, we know! Send them to prison! And just to make sure they don’t come back to live in your basement, sentence them to stay there for life without parole!

If you are a parent and do not live in Alaska, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico or Oregon, then your state has no penal code against sending your spawn to prison for the rest of your life. More than 2,000 households are currently adolescent-free (73 of which got rid of theirs at 13- or 14-years-old); why not yours?

And if the terrible twos are driving you to your wits’ end, there are 19 states that are able to sentence little Damien to life without parole. You may not want to make a man out of him, but there are some inmates who do!

Thanks to some meddlesome liberal do-gooders, this may be a limited time offer, so act now!

Leeeeee-roy Clubbings!

Hey, you! Yeah, you, the one with the Cheetos-dust covered fingers and the addiction to Wow!

No, the other one. No, the other other one. OK, fine, whatever, all of you.

PETA wants you. They’ve decided that Canadian seal slaughter has gone on long enough, and rather than chain every single member of the terrorist animal rights terrorist (sorry, I had it right the first time) group to an iceberg, they instead will take their protest signs and paint to a digital front-the land of Warcraft.

A call to arms was placed on PETA’s official blog for this weekend, asking people to take part in a fight against four Horde players that apparently kill seals for their luxurious fur. Their soft, sweet, delicately luxurious baby seal fur.

“Thrall refused to ban the slaughter of seals, despite multiple requests from the Alliance to do so, because Orgrimmar stands to make a large profit from the fur,” reads the posting.
“Activists from across the Eastern Kingdoms and Kalimdor are banding together to put a stop to the atrocious seal slaughter. Anyone who slaughters baby seals for their fur must surely be in service to the evil Lich King.”

Good googaly-moogaly, this is good. Like, super-nerdy-ultra-lame-good. Sadly, from what I gather from friends, PETA did not choose a Player versus Player server for their protest. As such, no true internet drama can be created. ALAS!

SeriouslyGuys would just like to let the Horde players being protested know that, despite being both Canadian and super nerdy, you’re very much welcome in the United States. We know that you’re just doing your part in the War against Animals to make sure that these seals don’t end up becoming monsters of the oceans.

Booze Jays

The Toronto Blue Jays halted alcohol sales yesterday due to unruliness and drunk fans throwing debris onto the field during the Blue Jays’ season opener on Monday.

According to Josh Anderson, a left fielder for the equally as terrible Detroit Tigers, Blue Jays’ fans can’t handle their booze. No word yet though as if the garbage thrown on the field was just the Tigers, Blue Jays, or a combination of both.

Shouldn’t there be a witty VW Beetle with a microphone or something?

The Germans gave us the highway and they gave us some pretty nice cars to go along with it. (Unfortunately, the cars are so complicated that they are fixed by import specialists for a lot of money, but that’s not really here nor there.) The Germans are also very, very good at obeying authority, so naturally, we think they are great drivers.

Well, not all of them are, apparently. One German woman got into three car accidents in one single hour. This is normally a feat reserved for bumper cars, but the 69 year-old woman rose to the occasion and got some help along the way. First off, she drove into three cars in a supermarket parking lot, then she drove into a house.

When the medics came to treat her, they had to take her to the hospital. On the way, the ambulance was hit by a truck.