Day: April 9, 2009

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Juwanna Mann’

Awful April continues, and frankly folks, it doesn’t exactly get better from here. We’ve got another stinker from the past decade-which, honestly, is odd. You would think that by now, more than a century since the beginning of movie-making, we’d be able to not make cinematic schlock.

You’d be wrong. You’d be dead wrong.

Hollywood loves to dress up men in drag. Who knows why? Certainly I’d rather not get into the Freudian aspects of that, simply because this is MasterChugs Theater, not DoctorChugs Couch. Sometimes, they can be halfway decent-see Some Like It Hot for inspiration like that. Most of the time though, they’re just bad-see Sorority Boys and Tootsie.

And then there’s Juwanna Mann, a film most probably hailing from the bowels of Beelzebub. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Juwanna Mann’

Ye like me cannonballs, don’t ye?

pr1Pirates are sexy. That’s just a reality. From Johnny Depp to Davy Jones, women just cannot get enough of those toothless, peg legged, diseased pirates.

We all know that pirates have been making the headlines lately, especially this week when an American captain was taken hostage, but then the U.S. of A. showed them that we didn’t fight the Barbary Wars (look it up) for nothing. Now, it seems that Somali women are flocking to ports so that they can marry a pirate. This is of course because of their goatees and rather large hats.

Then again, maybe it’s because they could be the only ones in Somalia with money. Who knows?

Domestically, we find pirates as sexy as ever, and the University of Maryland is no exception. They got in a bit of hot water recently when the students planned to screen Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge, a porn movie that shows once again, pirates are so sexy, even the female ones can’t help but jump each other. (No, there was is no cameo by Long John Silver.) When the state government found out, the legislature threatened to cut the school’s funding.

And that, me hearties, is a threat no pirate can take.

In response, the students held a rally and a discussion about free speech. Then they showed a few scenes from the historically-accurate film, none of which had booty in them.

Feeling the color yellow newest feature in Grand Theft Auto

A man purchasing two used Grand Theft Auto titles from a store in Gloucestershire, England, over the weekend got more than he bargained for, to the tune of four tablets worth of the drug ecstasy. On the black market, that’s what would be called making your money back and then some.

Richard Thornhill purchased two used Grand Theft Auto titles from a Gamestation store in Cheltenham on Sunday. Upon opening one of the game boxes, a cling-film packet dropped from between the pages of the game manual containing four ecstasy pills, which he promptly brought to the local police station. Thornhill isn’t too keen to think about what could have happened if his 12-year-old son or 16-year-old daughter had found the pills.

“I have two children and my son plays Xbox all the time. He could easily have opened the box and found them. I dread to think what the consequences would have been if he had. He is only 12. He could have died.”

Of course any 12-year-old should know not to eat random pills they find inside video game boxes, but that’s beside the point. The point (that isn’t nearly as important, in all honesty) being driven home is that Gamestation sold a man a video game with psychedelic drugs inside it. How does that happen? Gamestation said:

“We have rigorous procedures for accepting pre-owned titles and checking them before they are put back on sale. We have launched an immediate investigation and we will work closely with police to find out what happened in this instance.”

Of course, no one’s actually discussing why the father was buying a game that’s equivalent of an R-rated game for his teenage daughter or pre-teen son. Heaven forbid. However, anyone who has ever traded in a game at GameStop knows full well that they never, ever check the game manuals. One could theoretically print out a bunch of porn from the internet, wrap the game manual’s cover around it, trade in their used copy of Animal Crossing, and then wait for the headlines to appear. Not that I am suggesting anyone try that, of course.

Actually, I take that back. I am totally suggesting someone try that.*

Somewhere in Gloucestershire a raver is completely kicking themselves right now.

*SeriouslyGuys cannot be held responsible for whatever actions that you take.

Only Americans are killed with guns

After last week’s shooting spree at the American Civic Association, an immigrant education center, in Birmingham, New York, Sen. Charles Schumer has proposed a bill to posthumously award citizenship to those who were killed before becoming United Statesians.

Since the U.S. has the highest gun death rate above the other 20 richest nations, it does seem a purely American act to die in a random shooting spree. Let’s bury them each with a Big Mac and call it American tragedy.

Respect thy father, thy mother, thy seatbelt

Some of the stuff that we’re finding is looking like it was scripted for SNL when Haley Joel Osment would host sometime around The Sixth Sense. A six-year-old boy in Los Angeles was sentenced to driving school for a ticket his mother received in January.

It appears that the mother was blaming the son for the ticket because he would not listen to her when she told him to buckle up.

“No sir, it wasn’t me that was swaying back and forth on the road. It was the alcohol, you should sentence that instead.” Same logic.