MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Grudge’

Posted on April 16, 2009
Filed Under Awful April, MasterChugs Theater | Leave a Comment |

If there’s one thing you should know in your life, it’s that The Grudge is absolutely horrible. No, I take that back-it’s atrocious. Don’t watch it. Ever. Never ever. Never ever never ever.

In the event, though, that you take my advice, you could find yourself with approximately 90 some minutes and nothing to do. Fret not-I’m here for you, gentle soul. Hit the jump and you’ll know why.

25 Things You Can Do Other Than Watch The Grudge

1. Watch Super Troopers.

2. Have a veritable feast of pancakes.

3. Do a full load of washing and drying.

4. Get together with a bunch of friends and watch Street Fighter. Make sure to laugh-it’s how the movie is best enjoyed.

5. Spend half and hour at my job. Seriously, it’s boring.

6. Listen to two songs by Phish.

7. Watch four and a half delightful episodes of Seinfeld.

8. Have a super awesome barbecue party. If you’re a man and you don’t have a grill, then you also probably don’t have full certification to be a man.

9. Read two chapters of Watchmen.

10. Actually understand 10 percent of the subtle intricacies of what you just read.

11. Watch half of the 2009 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship. Hey, I won 85 dollars from the pool that I was in, along with the pool itself. I had a good year. I’m a genius when it comes to picking these games. Who cares what your problem was.

12. Beat someone to death with a fly-fishing rod covered in marshmallows.

13. Bake some brownies. Consume said brownies.

14. Harvest two kidneys from a normal person.

15. Watch Beerfest.

16. Create a robot out of the spare parts that you have lying around your residence. I recommend using a vacuum cleaner, a pair of argyle socks, a turnip and cherry bombs.

17. Create an elite mage for your weekly Dungeons and Dragons meet-up. Make sure to roll high numbers so that your stats are totally maxed, thus allowing you to get that super awesome Cloak of Unbinding +17.

18. Be laughed at when visiting your local Wal-Mart, in Dungeons and Dragons costume, at a fraction of the time that it took you to do the previous item on the list.

19. Watch Ju-on: The Grudge.

20. Watch Ju-on: The Grudge 2.

21. Watch Ju-on: The Curse.

22. Watch Ju-on: The Curse 2.

23. Watch The Grudge 2. Okay, sorry, these last 5 have been a bit of a cop-out. That might be because the director of The Grudge, Takashi Shimizu, was the original director of the original Ju-on. He’s proceeded to make the same movie four times before The Grudge even came out. He then repeated the same thing with The Grudge 2.

24. Twitter your life away. Unless you’re too old, that is. Social networking is the third most serious way to die, behind shark attacks and diarrhea.

25. Write this column. Hey, this job doesn’t come quickly.