Month: April 2009

Eat My Sports: I’m shipping up to Boston

Let me start this whole thing off by saying I have an awesome girlfriend, oh and by the way guys, Merry Christmas! The aren’t many things in this world that come close to my passion for the Red Sox, which is why almost five months ago, and well before Christmas, I was presented with my … present.

You see, her intentions for my present exceeded her ability to actually obtain said gift. So round about the second week of December, I was called into our office room and was told the following: “I don’t know how to work this damn thing, I’m taking you to Fenway for your gift, make this work.” Ah, can you feel the romance? Continue reading Eat My Sports: I’m shipping up to Boston

And one question will still linger

No longer will we ever be able to find out who dealt it.

Ever wanted to ‘pass gas’ while sitting next to your significant other in a movie theater, but couldn’t because you just ate that bag of sour cream and onion potato chips? Well, thanks to Japan, now you can! Seiren, a Japanese textile company, developed a series of special deodorizing undershorts called Inoidore Shukan Shoshu that can reduce odor by 80 percent in 30 seconds. It is comprised of a special textile that contains ceramic particles and metallic ions with fibers, which helps absorb stink particles.

Seiren is confident with their product. They spent two and half years developing it, even going so far as to perform stink tests at home. Ew. Of course, something this cool is going to be expensive, at 4,800 moonbucks yen (approximately 49 dollars US and change) each. Still, think of the relief that you’ll be able to take part in. Worry not, you don’t have to hold it in any longer since they are available now in Japan. They are nice and everything, but you still can’t remove the sound, which is perhaps worse than the smell. No matter, give them a couple more years and they will have briefs that can solve that problem too!

New York: One tough town

New Yorkers are “annoyed — furious is a better word” — that the Air Force One flyover of NYC was not a terrorist attack. Though the plane and its F-16 escort veered frustratingly close to the site of Ground Zero, the plane was not piloted by terrorists and did not crash into any buildings.

Enraged and traumatized to be teased with what could have been a very painful and scary moment, New York politicians like Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Senator Chuck Schumer want to know why New York wasn’t informed and whose head will roll for not killing several thousand of their constituents.

Even the therapists can’t handle the influx of tramautized patients. Social worker, Linda Garcia-Rose complained about being inundated with calls from patients who survived the tantalizingly-close calamity, many of whom live three blocks away from the World Trade Center.

It’s like the right hand and the left hand don’t know what either is doing

Yesterday, SeriouslyGuy’s very own Bryan McBournie stated that swine flu is exactly what the economy needs.

Global economic analysts would have you thinking otherwise.

We’ll stick with our guy, thank you. He’s more reliable — after all, he doesn’t have any pretentious abbreviations for spelling his name.

Dog gets blown away

You’d think if someone had the audacity to name a chihuahua “Tinker Bell,” losing the little puffer to 70-mph winds would probably be a sign that you made a bad choice. However, a Michigan woman was reunited with her pup after a pet psychic helped her find the dog.

The rescue isn’t the issue though, the animals have psychics. Obviously proving that they are trying to use mind control to enslave us. Somewhere Doc Brown is kicking himself for making the helmet with the lights on it.

Grab your machete and get ready for family bonding

Spring is here, and for Oklahomans, that means one thing: the rattlesnake roundup. Yes, every year, cowboys go out into the herd of rattlesnakes they have been taking care of all winter, and get them ready for the summer’s drive to market in Kansas.

Actually, it’s a tradition of a town called Magnum, and if you’re in the area, dear warrior, we strongly suggest you go. Rustlers from all over the area bring in rattlers to be beheaded and skinned before a cheering crowd. And in case you were wondering, yes it is something you can take the whole family to. That makes sense, because the family that kills animals together stays together.

The McBournie Minute: Swine flu could be just what economy needs

We got tired of worrying about Iraq, mostly because it was messy and a lot of people just got tired of the protesters screaming about this and that all the time. Luckily, we got to jump on the green bandwagon, so we could worry about global warming/climate change instead. This was especially fun during the election season, because it enabled us to see where the candidates stood on an issue that they can do very little to affect in the first place.

But let’s face it, thinking about the world ending, Asian countries ceasing to exist, crops ruined, lack of oxygen, the increase of stronger hurricanes, snow in Las Vegas, heat waves in April, etc. can get downright depressing. It’s enough to make you want to go out and drive around with the air conditioning cranked until you can finally clear your head. Once again, we were provided with a new topic to scream about: the economy. Turns out we were in a recession for a year and never knew it. Cue the layoffs, bailouts and general concern about how people will be able to pay for their iPhone plans.

That got really old. A couple months ago pretty much everyone got tired of hearing about how a population equal to that of Wisconsin lost their jobs, so we asked our media to change its tune. That’s why we get stuff about being frugal now. (Did you know you can read newspapers online for free? 101 money-saving tips inside!) But there was a void. You felt it, didn’t you? It was the void of not having something to constantly worry about, aside from who is getting voted off American Idol. Luckily, we now have something: swine flu apparently happened over the weekend, because the news media are all over this story and why you should be very, very afraid. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Swine flu could be just what economy needs

Even Charlie Brown’s laughing at you, kid

Because she’s a cool mom, Jody Wykle, of Lake Wales, Fla., gave her son Guitar Hero: On Tour even though he didn’t have a DS, just so she could make the guy squirm while she played clueless. Then, surprise! She handed over the DS – a sealed box, mind you – and when he opened it, things got unintentionally a lot worse.

“When he opened it, he was like, ‘A box of rocks?‘” Wykle told WTSP-TV. “He said, ‘Mom, that ain’t a joke.'”

Indeedy not, especially for a $138 handheld. She went back to Walmart, which gave her the not-our-problem treatment – until Jody called in the media, at which point it very much became their problem. They promptly refunded the DS and shelled out a gift card. Before getting the refund, Wykle bought a second DS, just so her son could have a proper birthday present. “I made them open it while I was there to make sure there was a DS in it,” she told WTSP.

Here’s the kicker: Seems that box of rocks had been returned before. WONK WONK WONK.