Month: May 2009

You Missed It: Judicial reactivism edition

Kind of seems like Friday rolled around a little earlier this week, doesn’t it? Well, technically it did, since we were all off on Monday. However, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t news happening. OK, well that’s not technically true. It was a pretty dull week overall, but nonetheless, important things happened. If you were busy launching a new search engine this week, odds are you missed it.

¿Quien es mas racist?
President Barack Obama nominated federal appellate Judge Sonia Motomayor to replace retiring Justice David Souter for the U.S. Supreme Court. Sotomayor, who is both a woman and of Hispanic ethnicity, got flak from Republicans this week for being a racist pick. On top of that a statement she made a couple years ago where she said a Latina woman would be wiser making some decisions than a white man, has been labeled as racist itself. Yes, because who knows the plight of Hispanics in America better than a 60-year old white guy?

New term: Leno’brien!
Jay Leno steps down from the Tonight Show tonight, bringing an end to 17 years of comedic somethingerother and head bobbles. Conan O’Brien will be given the reins of the show in June. Leno’s not going anywhere though, he’s just moving up a time slot. And because he’s not going anywhere, he’s not getting any fanfare with his exit. So Jay, I personally would like to say goodbye and thank you for all you have done. Your aging audience will miss you, but they will be OK once they figure out they can watch you and go to sleep earlier.

Wait a minute, there’s no lecturing in this online course
National American University is suing porn site Naughty American University this week, for trademark violations, along with having the same acronym and a similar name. National American has been in existence since 1997 and has several campuses, Naught American has been around since 2003 and leads the academic world in sexual puns. In other news, I am no longer excited about starting with the NAU graduate program this fall.

The Bush speaketh

Former-president George Bush finally decided he had stayed out of public for long enough, venturing out to give a little speech at the Economic Club of Southwest Michigan.

In stark contrast from Cheney’s “I’m to old too old to go to prison” speech last week, Bush spoke about his decisions in the Oval Office (including torture briefly), adjusting to life in Dallas and picking up dog ####, which isn’t as macho as clearing sage. He summed up his hopeful epitaph with:

“‘The man showed up in the office with a set of principles, and he was unwilling to sacrifice his principles for the sake of popularity.'”

(Don’t worry, Mr. Bush. Your popularity was never in question.)

Confident words? Yes, but that’s because presidents don’t go to PMITA penitentiaries: that’s the VP’s only real duty.

Here today, gone tomorrow

Cancer takes a lot of things. People, hair, enjoyment in life … but we never stop to think about the cure. I mean, we love being able to beat cancer, but we never think of just what it takes to beat cancer.

Here’s what it takes to beat cancer: your fingerprints.

How do we know that? A man from Singapore was detained for four hours because no one could figure out who he was through technological ways (obvious ways, like vision, are a different story). Of course, they couldn’t figure out his identity because his cancer medication, capecitabine (also known as Xeloda in the United States), managed to erase his fingerprints from his body. His doctor is now recommending that all patients taking the medication now carry a doctor’s note to identify who they are and why they’re off the grid.

In other news, makers of overpriced machines that burn off your fingerprints in science fiction movies all suddenly jumped out of windows in tall buildings.

Buzz kill

Bees lulled us into a false sense of security over the past few years as scientists found they were mysteriously disappearing. Though there are fewer of them, they still pose a threat to civilization.

New York City was the target this time–a place we once thought of as a stronghold against animals, because we paved over their habitat. Sadly, even in New York, you’re not safe from bees. They took over a GameStop in one of the busiest shopping areas of the city. The bees won’t let us get out of this recession!

This story has a happy ending, however. The bees were rounded up and taken in for questioning.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Observe and Report’

In Observe and Report, Seth Rogen plays Ronnie Barnhardt, a security guard with delusions of grandeur. In Ronnie’s mind, he is the law, and the only thing standing between order and chaos at the local mall. Thing is, Ronnie’s not playing with a full deck; he takes anti-psychotic meds and still lives at home with his alcoholic mom. He also has a racist streak and is quick to whip out his tazer on unsuspecting shopkeepers. Ronnie and his mall cop deputies fantasize about the day when they’ll be allowed to carry guns, but it’s clear that these are about the last people who should be trusted with firearms. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Observe and Report’

Dreamworks Animation: Quantity is quality

This one stars Jack Black.Dreamworks announced that they will make more animated movies per year than they have in the past.

Right now, they have eight scheduled for release by 2012, including:

  • A Kung Fu Panda sequel*
  • Another Madagascar sequel*
  • Another ####ing Shrek sequel*
  • Four films that are identical (but with a twist!) to whatever Pixar puts out each year
  • And one for the grown-ups — PG-13, of course

So, yes, technically, there will be more “new” “Dreamworks” films every year from now to 2012. We, for four, certainly can’t wait to see each and every one of them!

*Actually annouced by the studio.

The good die young, old

As a recently engaged SeriouslyGuy (Rick bit the dust first), I’ve been hearing the rounds from friends, “there goes another good one.” But one of the original bachelors, one who has been dating high-school girls for over 50 years, has finally realized he’s got no other options.

That’s right kids, Archie has popped the question and will now be forced to suppply an endless amount of hamburgers at his wedding at the expense of Jughead.

Kidz Korner: What’s that on Daddy’s breath?

Here at SG (and the rest of the Internet, really), we love more taking other people down a peg while pretending to be important ourselves. But if there’s one thing we love more than that, it’s the corruption of the innocent.

A group of kids are likely to either hate cops or fear clowns after they witnessed police arrest a female clown for what the believe was her involvement in a drunk driving accident. We’re not going to make a judgment call, but Patricia Ingalls, who has been a professional clown for 17 years, blew a .252, according to police.

That being said, parents, it’s time to leave the room, it’s kids-only now. We’ll wait.

OK, gang. It’s time to learn one of the most important facts of life: you and all of your little friends are annoying as all heck. In fact, you are so loud, hyper and unruly that you make Mommy and Daddy drink. When Mommy and Daddy drink, they either like to have private time or they like to argue. And when they argue, they talk about how they can’t stand you and want to start living in separate houses.

It’s all your fault.

You see, you’ll find out one day that alcohol helps numb the pain of a meaningless existence. Part of which is the realization that children are annoying and carry diseases. This is why Sloppy the Clown drank–to deal with you runts. For 17 long years, that’s all she’s been dealing with. Day in and day out. And that it perfectly OK, but the problem is, kids, when you drink alcohol, you’re not supposed to drive. If you do, you get in trouble.

Which brings us to the moral of the story: when you grow up, don’t drink and drive.