Day: May 1, 2009

You Missed It: The other white meat edition

Happy May Day, comrade! May is finally here, which means more flowers that give off pollen–ugh. But seriously, if you are celebrating May Day today, the Department of Homeland Security would like to have a word with you. Me? I’m celebrating Bealtaine, the beginning of the Celtic summer. If you were too busy celebrating 100 days at your new job, odds are you missed it.

You’re telling me I can no longer express my love for pigs?
You probably have not heard yet, but there’s an outbreak of swine flu, and apparently people are really upset about it. Right now, over 300 people have it and are at home having chicken noodle soup, assuming there’s no avian flu in it. The illness came from Mexico and is steadily making its way here in the U.S.–as if we didn’t regret coming back from spring break with an itch already.

She’s got the need, the need for a same-sex relationship
Remember Kelly McGillis? She was that super-hot flight instructor that buzzed Tom Cruise’s flight tower in Top Gun? Yeah, turns out she likes the ladies now. Guess someone did not take her to bed, and as such, lost her forever. In a related note, this would have been so much cooler if it had happened 20 years ago.

So long, and thanks for all the opinions
Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced that he is going to step down soon, setting up the debate of who will replace him on the bench. Souter, a Bush Sr. appointee, has been known for his dry wit, his quiet demeanor and …. Sorry, dozed off there for a second. Souter may be the first American to quit his job in months. Ladies and gentlemen, the recession is over.

They’re after our royalty!

Looking to get away from all the swine flu stories and gross overreaction by foreign governments —

(Killing all your pigs? Really, Egypt? And you, Hong Kong, boarding up a hotel so the guests can’t get out? It’s the flu.)

— Americans have returned their focus to what they really love: European royalty.

Yes, only 233 years after we told our own reigning monarch to go … govern himself, we’re caught up in the drama of an attempted car attack on the Dutch royal family on Queen Day. The driver, Karst Tates, had lost his job as a security guard and just turned in the key to the apartment he could no afford the rent for when he decided to ram the Queen with his Suzuki.

Now, we’re not saying he was justified, but maintaining a royal family with tax dollars — even a modest one — in an economic crisis? We’re not saying Tates was right, but we understand.

Lamest member of a frat just became lamer

It feels really odd writing a story about a frat member that doesn’t (knowingly) involve alcohol in it whatsoever, but here goes. A 21-year-old Wisconsin man is in a lot of trouble after using a fraternity debit card to unlawfully spend over $12,000 on video games. Rather than accept responsibility for his crimes, Jose Taverez has adopted the patriotically American way of blaming other things, in this case his crushing videogame addiction. Awwwwwwww!

“Tavarez … told police he used a fraternity debit card to buy videogames because his bank account is linked to his parents’ and he did not want them seeing that he spent his money on the games,” reports the Wisconsin State Journal. “A list of suspicious purchases on the card… included about 70 purchases at game-oriented businesses, along with many others from online stores selling computer goods …”

The sad part of this story is that I’m sure there will be plenty of people willing to actually believe evil videogames gripped this man’s soul and forced him, an innocent victim, to steal that money. As opposed to the apparent greed and desire to manipulate that which ultimately does not belong to him. Such is the blameless society we have created for ourselves. Also, being twelve grand in debt because of video games? That’s not just lame-that’s super lame. Guess which frat brother is gonna get super-hazed when he gets back from jail?

That isn’t syrup, it’s the stigmata!

Miracles happen all around us, people are healed from seemingly incurable diseases, people survive plane crashes … John Locke could walk again after surviving Oceanic Flight 815. Then, some people think they see the Virgin Mary on a griddle at a California diner, then honor it by making a shrine. In the storage closet.

Yes, honor your sacred mother by moving aside the broom and dustpan and using the soda boxes as a base. In other news I think my boysenberry syrup was a sign this morning.

If everyone was fake jumping off a bridge, would you do it too?

This may come as a surprise, but it turns out that if you’ve had a few and you want to mess with your friends, faking jumping off a bridge may not be the greatest idea.

One Minnesota man found that one out so that we all may benefit. A 23-year old man and his friend were heading back from the bars very late one night, when they crossed over a bridge and suddenly they had a great idea. The man asked his friend to pull over so that he could relieve himself off the bridge. (As any guy will tell you, the only thing better than being able to pee standing up is being able to pee from a great height.) According to police, the man climbed to the ledge of the bridge and pretended to fall off. Funny thing is, he then lost his balance and fell.

Police found him in a marshy area, probably in his own urine. Don’t worry, he’s doing OK and will be back at the bars soon with an awesome new story. Watch out, ladies!