Day: May 15, 2009

You Missed It: Eye in the sky edition

Sorry we missed each other last week. I had some work to do on sunny beaches of Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. You know how it is. I know you missed me, which is why I couldn’t tell you where I was going and let you follow me. I needed to concentrate on my work. But now I am back and we can can get down to business. If you were busy taking a break from your vows of celibacy, odds are you missed it.

Hubble gets an oil change, tire rotation every 5,000 orbits
Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off this week on a mission to do some maintenance work on the Hubble Space Telescope. Astronauts are performing the work during a series of space walks. What they aren’t telling you is that they are really just readjusting the telescope so it can track the movements of that paranoid guy sitting at the end of your favorite bar, according to his ramblings. NASA has not confirmed or denied the claims as of yet.

If you ask me, she’s probably a controlling woman
Apparently Jon Gosselin was caught possibly cheating on his wife, Kate Gosselin last week and this week Kate could be cheating as well. This is bad news, because they have 10 children and a lot of paparazzi cameras pointed at them. Interview after interview has alluded to the possibility of ending their marriage. In other news, who the hell and Jon and Kate Gosselin?

Phelps released back into the wild
His suspension up, Olympic hero and part time stoner Michael Phelps got back in the pool Friday. Swimming, easily the most popular sport in the U.S., seems to have welcomed him back, too. Phelps said he was happing to be racing again, but what he really needed right then was to shower and change then head to this totally sick party his friend was hosting. Phelps said plenty of alcohol and loose women would be available.

Update: Georgia to plagiarize killer professor’s grave

As we reported earlier this week, police found the corpse of George Zinkhan in a grave he dug and covered with brush before shooting himself.

While most believe it was suicide after killing his wife and two of her theater associates, there’s also the less popular (or, our) theory that he was making his own tiger trap.

Now state and local officials have almost reached an impass about what to do with his body. Zinkhan’s family hasn’t claimed his body despite repeated calls, and after a certain point, even the morgue decides a body stinks too much.

So, unless somebody steps forward, he’ll be reburied in a “pauper’s grave,” begging the question: and they dug him up why?

Death Fridge, the fridge that kills

Twenty-eight people were sickened by the stench at an AT&T office building in San Jose, Wednesday morning when a well-meaning staffer — who had just, natch, had nasal surgery for her allergies, rendering her slightly more immune — purged a fridge of its ancient leftovers.

After a few high-power air-fresheners were administered, the mix of chemicals and rotting food smell had workers complaining of nausea and vomiting. More than 300 employees were evacuated; seven were sent to the hospital.

It’s a bad sign when the fridge at your workplace needs its own series of OSHA ruling guidelines.

Prestigious colleges have old rules

In a typical bleeding-heart, anti-gun fashion, this story doesn’t mention that you have to shoot somebody in order to graduate from Morehouse College.

Some problems (nearly) take care of themselves

Everyone knows why we have zoos and aquariums–to make sure we know what the enemy looks like. But like prisons for inmates, every now and then they have an escapee.

Most recently, a sea lion, often reffered to as the tiger of the sea, was so smart it broke out of its habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo–and into a shark tank. Seahawk the sea lion is a crafty creature, which is dangerous. One would hope that the sharks would gobble up this threat as soon as he hit the water, since they so seldomly get to eat sea lion in their cells. But no, the tiger sharks, often called the zebras of the sea because of their stripes, were scared by the sea lion, and instinctively formed a defensive circle around their young.

Seahawk was promptly caught by authorities and clubbed.