Day: May 20, 2009

Take it from Snee: Wake me up for the real missing link

Just when evolution is about to become an endangered species in public schools, the anti-religious forces manage to dig up a “missing link.” Again.

I’d get excited and use Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians to clean up afterwards, but — no matter how many humans with sloping foreheads or strange teeth or webbed feet they show me — none of these finds have the basic characteristics of a true missing link.

(Of course, when referring to the “missing link” and “evolution” in this article, I’m doing so with my tongue where God created it: firmly planted in my cheek.)

So, until any of the following are found, I’ll just go back to eating Jesus dipped in Welch’s Jesus Lite. (He may be risen, but He needs some flavor.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Wake me up for the real missing link

Priorities: Important in headlines

Hey, maybe the killer installed XM! That would save her so much money.

Good News: The murdered body of an accounting student slain in 1997 was found.

Bad News: Her 1993 Honda Civic CRX Del Sol is still missing.

C’mon, people. We’re talking about one seriously sweet/slightly-waterlogged ride here. It’s not just a convertible; the roof actually comes off and fits in the trunk as a single panel!

Still not convinced to scour the Ohio River? It’s black, so it won’t show dirt.

Way to finally join the show, Japan

Deer are a fearsome and deadly animal. Like the bear, they are a godless killing machine. They willingly jump in front of cars, kamikazing into the humans’ simple transportation vehicles. Well, Japan is finally deciding to fight back. Perhaps all that time spent building robots shaped like animals was simply spy work?

The Toyoka Hunting Meister Education School (enjoy long names much?) was established in order to teach a new crop of would-be hunters how to take down these ferocious beasts, with the ever-present problem of aging limiting veteran hunters and marksmen from taking down these creatures.

The school was set up in Hyogo prefecture due to repeated calls to action in the rural prefecture for dealing with extensive farm damage, somewhere in the range of $250 million. It’s really serious.

In one spot between Kyoto and Osaka, a railway network that once stopped for nothing has been overrun by nature’s beastly onslaught, with trains forced to a standstill as a menagerie of deer, boar and monkeys invade the tracks.

You hear that? The deer are conspiring with monkeys. They can use guns. I’m bringing a kevlar vest next time I want really fresh sushi.

Whatever happened to Ron Mexico?

Move over Michael Vick, the NFL has a new Mexican-themed nickname, and it’s aimed right at New York Jets’ pretty boy Mark Sanchez. Props to The New York Post for this headline and ensuing mockery of their new star quarterback. But hey, at least there aren’t any photos of New York athletes making out with themselves …

Online dating is hell

Online dating sites are corrupting America, and we’re not talking about erotic ads on craigslist. Apparently, the number of members of our military joining those sites is huge. This means that rather than being hooked on various kinds of drugs, like in Vietnam, our fighting men and women are now becoming addicted to love.

What is the world coming to? Every one of us knows that online dating is the enemy and a dangerous gateway. You know, first you start dating people, then you start posting cutesy pictures of each other on your Facebook page, pretty soon, you’re telling everyone how great this person is, nauseating everyone within earshot. Folks, this is not what our troops need. They need to remain celibate like Jesus and focused on the fight so they can come home alive and start a baby boom.

Our brave servicemen and women need to stop thinking about who winked back at them and lay down some covering fire.