Awesome ride for kids becomes even more awesome
Posted on June 30, 2009
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Oh sure, climbing onto an inflatable ride is fun, but when the inflatable ride flies away, it’s just awesome.
“The wind blew real hard and blew it over and kids were flying everywhere,” witness Katiya Braswell said.
And I am now burning for cracking up at that quote.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorAnd the ‘Sensitivity in Headline Writing’ award goes to …
Posted on June 30, 2009
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Anyone can write a heart-wrenching piece about a 40-year married couple, who had been together since prom, that were killed together in a catastrophe.
Maybe fewer could tug at the heartstrings further by describing how they had just finished volunteering with wounded soldiers beforehand.
And perhaps only the bastard child of Nicholas Sparks and Michael Bay would throw in that one of them helped save America on 9/11 by ordering fighter jets into the air that morning.
But with just one headline about them being “inseparable” when they died in a completely crushed together DC Metro train car, all that work is undone.
Congratulations, CNN.
(Just in case they change it, here’s a screenshot.)
Written by Rick SneeThat night just became a bit more costlier
Posted on June 30, 2009
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Dinner at a nice enough place on a Friday night (including tip): typically, $30 minimum.
Dinner at a nice enough place on a Friday night in the South: approximately, $20. Woo-boy, they sure love them some App-la-bees!
Two tickets to the cinema: approximately, $20.
Time out at the club (including a minimum of three drinks for both): $45 to 50, conservatively.
Ease in giving a happy ending to your lady friend when you leave the club : $10 more. Hope you’re keeping those bills fresh in your wallets, guys.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThere, that oughta show him!
Posted on June 30, 2009
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Remember the first half of the 20th century? Odds are you don’t. That’s OK, governments do–when they want to. (By the way, African-Americans, Congress says we’re sorry over 130 years later for that minor slavery mishap.)
Spain remembers. And they remember dictator Francisco Franco, who came to power in 1939. Apparently, he was named honorary mayor of Madrid and adopted son of the city, but no more! The city has stripped him of those titles, just 30 short years after his death.
Also, Madrid stripped Franco of the hot dog eating contest honors he got from 1951 to 1954, where he placed first, second, fourth and first, respectively.
Written by Bryan McBournieSex a day keeps the bad sperm away
Posted on June 30, 2009
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In a story that should intrigue couples trying to have kids, as well as make your head hit the desk after reading, apparently having sex with more regularity leads to better sperm. Especially if you and <insert phallic name here> are dealing with damaged sperm. And, surprise, better sperm apparently leads to higher pregnancy rates. I’m not even a doctor, and I could’ve written this report.
So gentlemen, if you’re dealing with “damaged goods” just convince your lady that, in this case, practice makes perfect.
Written by Bryan SchoolsThe McBournie Minute: Some people don’t need their 15 minutes
Posted on June 29, 2009
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You may have noticed, but right now, it’s not really a good time to be a celebrity. That is of course if you like being alive. David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson (not to mention Billy Mays and some actors who hadn’t worked in 20 years, but let’s stick with the big ones).
Celebrities seem to be kicking the oxygen habit left and right, and this is generally a bad career move. Some can take this as a strange coincidence, but I don’t believe in coincidences (ever notice how Tuesday always follows Monday? Why is that?). Clearly, there is something behind all the celebrity deaths, and I think I know just what it is.
We have too many damn famous people and its time to cull the herd. You see, media moves faster today than it did in a month just 10 years ago, and the entertainment industry tries its best to keep up. This means that we get tired of people faster and faster. After all, you can only watch someone’s star rise so far before you’re ready to see it come crashing back to Earth in a crazy, often drug-fueled, plunge. Read more
Written by Bryan McBournieBernie Madoff free to con again in 150 years
Posted on June 29, 2009
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In what must be the most disappointing sentence in the history of U.S. criminal justice, Bernie Madoff received a mere 150 years of prison time for his crimes of “11-count information charging securities fraud, investment adviser fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, three counts of money laundering, false statements, perjury, false filings with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and theft from an employee benefit plan.”
Worse, yet, is that our nation’s worst white-collar criminal will be held in a U.S. prison, which means he will have access to lawyers and other inmates. He could possibly escape or even plan more economic attacks while behind bars.
And the biggest blow of all? Thanks to this paltry slap-on-the-beRolexed-wrist, our economy is still dire. Don’t these justices understand that the Money Gods require blood?!
Written by Rick SneeWe all need friends, even the inanimate ones
Posted on June 29, 2009
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The typical Tanuki statue has several key features that represent eight good traits to have, including perception, trustworthiness, decisiveness and resolve, but in light of this recent incident, perhaps a new one should be added: companionship.
Osamu Kimura, a 41-year-old resident of Aichi prefecture, was caught trying to pilfer a ceramic Tanuki from someone’s garden. Upon conducting a search of the man’s house, police found 15 other Tanuki statues, along with various frogs and dogs, overall coming up to over 30 stolen decorative garden figures. When questioned, Kimura said that he had been lonely living alone since his father and brother passed away, and had been nicking the statues for nearly a year to, of all things, talk to.
For a country as densely inhabited as Japan, to have people so desperate for human contact as to start talking to figures seems a bit odd. Then again, perhaps that density simply exacerbates the situation, making it harder to find friends?
Oh, and one quick note: another thing that tanunkis are known for? Balls. Big, massive balls.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorIs this the express shuttle?
Posted on June 29, 2009
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Tourists are a pain in just about everyone’s neck. It doesn’t matter where you live, they are just horrible–aside from bringing their money into your local economy, that’s a good thing.
But what can be worse are the methods by which tourist travel. I’m not talking about the traffic problems they cause or their lack of standing aside on escalators. This is about when their charter vans get in trouble with the law.
An unauthorized airport van service in New York led police on a high speed chase while transporting four French tourists. The tourists got the ride of their lives and quite an experience to kick off their trip to America, better known as the greatest country in the world.
Written by Bryan McBournieYou Missed It: Comes in threes edition
Posted on June 26, 2009
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Listen folks, I’ll be honest with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. See, I’ve got a bender coming up and we all know some things just take priority over the trivial things, like work, in this crazy thing we call life. This may help you the pass time, I’m doing my best to figure out other forms of time travel. If you were busy starring in a loud movie with good and bad alien robots this week, odds are you missed it.
The King of Pop is dead, long live the King of Pop
Did you hear? Acquitted child molester and singer Michael Jackson died yesterday of what could be a heart attack. The Internet almost crashed right along with him, as many news sites reported service outages. Jackson’s death marked the third celebrity death this week. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon preceded him. McMahon got a pretty good showing of attention, but Fawcett, famous for have blonde hair and nipples, got the shaft since she died a few hours before Jackson. Also, Walter Cronkite’s children are stubbornly insisting their father still lives.
Marriage is an important issue to GOP, fidelity not so much
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford went AWOL this week following what was a rough session of the state legislature or something. In a Waldo-esque adventure, Sanford ditched his security detail, no one on his staff or even his wife knew where he was for days. It was then reported he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail (during naked hiking day no less). Then he turned up at a Georgia airport, returning from Argentina, where his mistress lives. Great, now we’re even exporting jobs in our nation’s sport f&%#ing industry?
United States: Leader in foot-croquet
In international news, soccer, which I am told is a sport, has been the focus of the world with the FIFA Confederations Cup tournament. In nothing short of a miracle, the U.S. team has advanced after upsetting Egypt and Spain, they now go on to face Brazil in the final round. What’s the reason behind the Americans’ success thus far? Extensive experience in winning engagements with Confederates.