Day: June 2, 2009

Eat My Sports: Early season report

For those of you who don’t follow baseball from early February through October, you wouldn’t know that the season is almost one-third of the way over with. It’s been a weird one, with the Pirates and Marlins contending early, the Rays already fading out of contention, and Roger Clemens not hitting on any underage country stars, yet. But if you have been living a sheltered life and have not been paying attention to baseball, here have been the top five stories of the early season.

5. The rise, fall and rise of the Yankees
No one can figure the pattern of this team out, period. One night they’re hammering a team for 14 runs, the next night C.C. Sabathia is serving up fastballs like his butler feeds him steaks with a donut glaze. The return of A-Rod has brought back some sense of normalcy, but the inconsistent pitching could pose a problem down the stretch for the Yanks. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Early season report

I Love the War on Terror: 2003

If there’s one thing The Guys can’t get enough of, it’s reliving the past, and Dick Cheney is all about the year 2003 right now. (We’re positive that it’s not a sign of mental degradation.)

Lots of great things happened in the War on Terror in 2003:

  • NASA space shuttle Columbia exploded, and we’re still waiting to find the bastards that did it.
  • The Department of Homeland Security was founded to waste tax dollars. (We only get two terror alert colors, but pay for six?!)
  • Iraq was responsible for 9/11.
  • OK, Afghanistan was, but Iraq was partially involved.
  • Alright, fine, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, but they like terrorists, which all look the same to us (just like women).

We’re gonna take a break to write some new articles, but when we come back:

  • Cheney will assert that Iraq wasn’t in the terrorist game, but was developing weapons of mass destruction.
  • We torture Asians for information about SARS!

Science inches closer to jumping the Ewok

Everyone who’s seen Star Wars (any of the good movies, that is) remembers the Death Star-large, gray beach ball ship that used green lasers to blow up a planet. Blew up exactly one whole planet in the movies. More bark than bite, truthfully.

Scientists in California would like to prove that wrong. A new laser was debuted recently, detailing about how it has the power to burn as hot as a star.

“We have invented the world’s largest laser system,” actor-turned-governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said during a dedication ceremony attended by thousands including state and national officials.

Coming from a man who’s sole mission in film is to be more violent and Arnold-ier than anyone else in movies, that’s only fitting. Granted, the press may be saying that real purpose of the laser is to create large amounts of energy, but, c’mon, we all know its true use.

Next step: star powered gravity drives on spaceships. Why? How else are we going to tow our massive laser cannon into space and blow the hell out of a planet?

These colors don’t run up a tree

We all think of squirrels as enemies, but mostly because they try to make us crash our cars. It’s human instinct to swerve when you see something dart into the road in front of you. Squirrels know this, and they prey upon us.

But one Michigan squirrel has taken things to a new level. He lives at a graveyard and steals American flags left at the graves of our heroes then makes a nest out of them. The grave robbing part is bad enough, but stealing the most sacred symbol of of our country, dragging it along the ground and making a home out of it is too much to bare.

Looks like it’s nest burnin’ time!