Day: June 4, 2009

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Terminator Salvation’

25 years.

That’s how long we’ve been hearing about humanity’s war against the machines, a battle James Cameron first initiated in 1984 when he sent Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time to terminate an unsuspecting Linda Hamilton. Armageddon was averted—and then triggered—in subsequent sequels before arriving at this movie. But our predestined, apocalyptic future looks a lot like products from Hollywood’s past. Specifically, imagine the love child of Mad Max and The Matrix as delivered by Michael Bay, and you’re beginning to get the picture.

McG is a director with an above-average eye and an original instinct for camera placement. To his credit, he’s not one of those lazy types who think they can generate excitement in an action sequence by shaking the camera or kicking it. But he has a major weakness as a filmmaker, and that weakness is all over Terminator Salvation: His grand, elaborate visual sense is completely detached from his brain.

So what we end up with is a filmmaker who gets it right in all the small ways, meticulously crafting bits of action – showing what it might be like, for example, to be inside a crashing helicopter. But in all the big ways, he’s so lost that the movie becomes comical. He piles action blowout on top of blowout. When in doubt, he increases the scale. Explosions get larger, fireballs bigger. The machines become increasingly resilient, as the soundtrack goes right up to your ears and keeps pounding.

Yet nothing he does can distract us from the fact that he barely has a story to tell. The only question is, was he covering for the absence of story, or did he actually not notice the lack of one? Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Terminator Salvation’

Can’t mask foolishness

Just a reminder: superheroes have super powers.

The people dressing up in costumes and performing citizens’ arrests could be considered “heroes” … at most.

(This, of course, is not the first time we’ve discussed this recent vigilante phenomenon.)

Now, if only there were some crime-fighting organization with uniforms and specialized gadgets that these people could join — if only!

Aussie Aussie Aussie Ugh!

Not to get too political, but we here at SG love our troops. We think the world of them; however they’re only fighting a war on one front. They should probably be happy about that, as they might be the only country to do so. Australia, though, they’re fighting a war on two fronts: the Taliban and the Dutch.

Oh yes, those brave Australian soldiers have been silently putting up with both the Taliban and the most vile villain of all: Dutch cuisine.

Australia recently rushed a crack skilled team of cooks to Afghanistan in order to create authentic “Aussie” food for the soldiers. Why? Because their mess hall had been previously run by a bunch of Dutch cooks. Honestly though, it can be understood. I mean, hete bliksem (boiled potatoes and green apples)? Boerenkoolstamppot (kale mixed with potatoes, gravy, mustard and rookworst)? I’m not saying that I’m an astounding cook, but I can barely pronounce the names of these dishes, much less create any desire to eat them.

Don’t worry though, Australia. Soon you shall be reunited with such delectable foods of your native land, such as fairy bread, chiko rolls and roasted kangaroo.

David Carradine wins the ‘beloved actor’ game

Fame is a fickle mistress, much like the sea, only not as wet and the boats are soundstages.

In Hollywood, you can be famous for the roles you’ve played or famous for an astounding number of anti-semitic comments during your DUI arrest, and neither of those mean people care about you. The real testament to true fame and being beloved is how the public responds to your death.

David Carradine is dead and twitter mourns. People genuinely liked him and are affected by his loss.

It makes you wonder who else will inspire posts like this?

  • David Schwimmer? Unlikely.
  • Ted Danson? Only if he takes Guttenberg and Selleck down with him.
  • Andie MacDowell? Depends on how Groundhog Day holds up (so, if Bill Murray keeps his nose clean, then yes).

Only time will tell. In the meantime, goodnight, Mr. Carradine, you prince of not-being-Bruce-Lee.

When a copyright meets a copy comin’ through the rye

This place is really getting to me. I sit here, writing every now and then at my desk. Then this guy comes through into my room from the bathroom. Here, the dorm rooms are connected in pairs by a bathroom. I heard him before he even opens the door. I always hear him. I turn, it’s my butler.

He’s a Catholic. He keeps asking me if I am a Catholic. Catholics always want to know if you’re a Catholic, too. It’s just how they are.

My butler, Edward, comes into the room, like he always does, and he tells me the news. Normally I try to avoid the news, for I am a recluse, as any great 20th century author is or was. But today, Edward looks quite concerned. He takes off his red hat. He wears that hat sometimes, he says he likes the color of it.

Edward tells me that there is someone in Sweden who wants to publish a book called 60 Years Later: Coming Through The Rye. It has a character like the one I wrote about, Holden Caulfield, back in 1951. Only he is referred to as “Mr. C.” It takes place in New York, just like my book did. It follows the protagonist around for a few days, like my book. And it is written by a J.D. California, who claims my book got him through a rough time in Cambodia. They do not have respect for copyright laws in Cambodia.

J.D. California is a phony.