Day: June 8, 2009

The McBournie Minute: I am better than Barack Obama

You have probably heard a bit about President Barack Obama’s date nights with, in breaking with a proud presidential tradition, his wife. Unless you live in the Washington, D.C. area, trust me, you’re not hearing the half of it. Obama loves going out on the town, even having strolls around the White House grounds with Michelle.

Some people are making a big deal out of this. (Democrats: “Aren’t they just so wholesome and romantic? It’s like the return of Camelot!”) (Republicans: “How DARE he spend time on his marriage? Taxpayer money is for overpaying on unsolicited government contracts!”) (Celebrity followers: “OHMYGOD, THERE THEY ARE!!!”) Even comedians like Jon Stewart are saying the 44th president is making him look bad in the eyes of his wife.

But what everyone seems to be missing is the point: I am better than Barack Obama.

Let’s put aside the whole “leader of the free world” title and compare man-to-man. Because you know what? Obama unzips his fly the same as I do when it’s time to take a leak. Let’s measure up. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I am better than Barack Obama

Army calls slaves ‘national treasures’

Like bullwhips in a mechanized war.In these Tough Economic Times, it was only a matter of time before the government recognized that the rising unemployment rate and industries destroyed by union benefits could be solved with one solution: slavery.

So, it only makes sense that the U.S. Army would award Pentagon-flown American flags and a bronze star to surviving World War II veteran slave laborers.

The very model of a modern Major General Vincent Boles went on to call the retired slaves “national treasures.”

And, at the end, he made one of the survivors cry.

‘Herbivore man’ actually worse name than ‘wussy man’

Japan has a few things going for it: vending machines with questionable products in them, vast amounts of robots in both menacing and non-menacing tastes, moonspeak and even an iconoclastic culture harboring xenophobic tendencies that would make your head spin.

And now, there’s another thing they get to add: the slow and disastrous extinction of their male population. Or their population in general. Which, you know, just makes things peachy for society.

“Herbivore men”, young men in Japan that feel that sex isn’t a factor between men and women (or sex with anyone for that matter), are currently becoming a strong trend. In America, we call them metrosexuals (though believe me, there are more factors that they need to fulfill in order to fully qualify for that title).

We know that you’ve had some issues regarding a rather catastrophic decline in your birth rate, but c’mon, Japan. Man up! Now, granted, they could always adopt someone if the birth date does drop disastrously, but there goes that whole variable-xenophobia thing again.

Well, at least the cost of living will go down, right?

Miami must maintain its classy image

Miami–it’s dirty, it’s poor and it’s filled with trend-humping clubbers. It also is the location of many famous movies and television shows. But now, it’s moved up a notch for us, at least Miami Beach has.

The City of Miami Beach is evicting Mr. Clucky, who is quite famous in town. For those of you who do not know who Mr. Clucky is, he is a rooster that sits on his master’s shoulder and goes about town, often on a bicycle.

Mr. Clucky has been the grand marshall of parades and become a mascot of sorts in his area. But someone, an anonymous patriot, saw that what was going on was wrong, and complained to the city government. Now, because Mr. Clucky is a farm animal, which is not allowed in the city limits, he has to pack up his feathers and get out.

Well done, citizens!