Day: June 12, 2009

You Missed It: We interrupt this broadcast edition

It’s not easy writing these things when big, tragic news happens during the week. You see, we can’t just ignore significant happenings, but we can’t make jokes about it either. This week is one of those weeks. I am speaking, of course, about the news that Chastity Bono is getting a sex change. Hope all of you are OK out there. If you were busy checking into rehab for depression and alcoholism–again, Mr. Congressman–odds are you missed it.

The transition will not be televised
By midnight, every television station has to stop broadcasting its analog signals and switch over to digital. This means that over 2 million people who depend on rabbit ears but don’t have a converter will be without their favorite appliance. On a more serious note, this also means that they will be without important information like emergency broadcast-type stuff. But for everyone else, it means you can watch the lame summer shows the big four air during the summer months sharper than ever before!

Tobacco, why do you make us keep hitting you?
Members of Congress, many of whom smoke or are backed by tobacco companies, passed a bill that gives the Food and Drug Administration regulation powers over tobacco. President Barack Obama, who himself smokes, said he looks forward to signing the bill, much like he looked forward to increasing federal taxes on tobacco products earlier this year. So for those of you playing along at home, yes, smoking is still cool, but it’s even cooler to be dependent on the tobacco industry in some way and slight it every chance you get. Self-loathing is what’s hip. Smoke, then hit yourself until you cry.

And ESPN still plays up the rivalry angle
Finishing up their third series of the 2009 season, the Boston Red Sox are a perfect 8-0 against the New York Yankees, a feat that has never happened in 90 or so years of baseball. Not saying that to gloat, or to point out that the Yankees’ season seems to be one of the most happily frustrating season we’ve seen in a while. I am not about to draw any parity to a perfect Boston-based team going up against a New York team some view as underrated. No, there’s no parallel in any other sport. On an unrelated note, how weird was it that there was no Super Bowl this year?

Must be one close family

Have you *seen* a movie about rich people and thieves?If you’re unable to identify a fake family member at your reunion, those gatherings might be a mere formality.

This was the lesson the Rockefellers, that tight-knit family of New York millionaires, learned when a German guy successfully posed as a member of their family for years, tricked his wife into marrying him and then kidnapped their daughter.

We’re not saying the “moneyed” family (Seriously? That’s an adjective?) may have brought it on themselves, but perhaps living on trust funds, senate seats and single-malt scotch doesn’t hone one’s common sense vibe.

More like Sarah Pain-in-the-ass

We here at SG believe we have at least a slight grip on comedy. For example: boobs, farts and kids hitting baseballs into their dad’s cajones = fantastic laughs. Well apparently Sarah “Where the #### is Russia again?” Palin is on the attack again against David Letterman. Saying he needs to apologize to women across America for his comments about her daughter and New York Yankees resident douchebag Alex Rodriguez. Proving once again she knows nothing about comedy, much less, A-Rod’s striking patterns.

First off Sarah, look at the stats. Your daughter gave birth in December, that means she was knocked up in March. A-Rod can’t hit anything from October on, only from April-September, so you’re in the clear. Secondly, well, no secondly, but far be it from us to say that maybe you should apologize to women across the country for just being a political hand puppet, BA-ZING!!!

We still don’t like Jessica Alba

We weren’t big fans of Jessica Alba (well, aside from her body) before, but now, we’ve got even more of a reason to dislike her: she’s helping the other side.

That’s right, Jessica Alba is actively helping animals in the war they wage against us. We can forgive some celebrities who fight for “animal rights,” they’re not really humans, and therefor not really on our side to begin with, but Jessica, sweet Jessica, how could you do this to us?

The actress may face charges in Oklahoma City for putting up shark posters on electrical boxes throughout the city. What possessed her to do this? She was part of a group of guerrilla propagandists spreading the message that shark numbers are dwindling around the world.

Jessica: we know that. We’re trying to finish them off. If you would like to help your buddies, we would be happy to throw you in a tank with them.