Day: June 17, 2009

Take it from Snee: The Wingman’s Guide

When I was younger and singler, I was a horrible wingman. I was selfish, belligerent and often too drunk to even speak human language. None of my friends ever got laid on my behalf, so it’s amazing I even had any.

Now that I’m married, though, my choices are to either:

  1. cheat on my wife.
  2. live vicariously through my friends.

Since I’m freshly out of debt, I’d rather not finance an ex-wife and date again, so I opt for number 2. What I’ve learned is that it’s easy to be a great wingman, if you have a little inside knowledge on how some women work. Fortunately, I have one around the apartment and have used this experience to create The Wingman’s Guide. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The Wingman’s Guide

Gay US federal employees one step closer to human

SeriouslyGuys: Home of the first Liberace joke online since 1991.In a stunning move sure to upset people who believe the Bible is science, President Barack Obama announced a change in federal employee benefits that would move gays one step closer to being officially fully human.

President Obama is scheduled to interrupt more of your favorite TV shows to explain the new rules sometime today.

But with every step towards full equal rights for Homosexual-Americans, there’s always that “just a second, guys” moment. Just as Clinton allowed gays to serve in the military if they pretend to be straight, the new benefits program will not include family health insurance.

But, let’s not get all revolutionary. Gay partners of federal employees will still receive all the other important family benefits. Now they’re allowed to:

  • Participate in the Christmas party planning committee.
  • Be identifiably displayed in vacation photos in their partner’s cubicle, not ambiguously as a friend or distant cousin.
  • Compete in the three-legged race at picnics and barbeques.

Puppy survives flushing, we’re all dead

Run for the hills! The puppies have somehow gained the ability to survive being drowned at high velocities!

A puppy somehow managed to survive being trapped in pipes for 4 hours after a preschooler decided to wash the dog in what was probably the only serviceable area-the toilet. It’s a common mistake and happens all the time. It then had the nerve to live long enough to be saved-and covered in poop.

Ew. And they kept him? Double ew. No one should have a poopy puppy.

Better dosed than dead

You may remember us telling you something about how alcohol is in fact really, really good for you, so much so that it seems to be common knowledge in the scientific community. We finally won the war on sobriety. Medicinal boozing became the norm.

But then, something changed.

According to the New York Times there is a rebellion amongst the teetotaler doctors of the world. They claim that the studies we all know do not show that alcohol is good for you, they just show that healthy people drink, along with other activities.

You hear that? Some sober killjoys are trying to tell you that drinking isn’t actually good for you, which we all know it is. These are probably the same people who don’t believe in evolution. But the best part is this: don’t worry, if you’re drinking that means you’re a healthy person all around. That’s more than can be said about those sober mongers.