Day: June 26, 2009

You Missed It: Comes in threes edition

Listen folks, I’ll be honest with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. See, I’ve got a bender coming up and we all know some things just take priority over the trivial things, like work, in this crazy thing we call life. This may help you the pass time, I’m doing my best to figure out other forms of time travel. If you were busy starring in a loud movie with good and bad alien robots this week, odds are you missed it.

The King of Pop is dead, long live the King of Pop
Did you hear? Acquitted child molester and singer Michael Jackson died yesterday of what could be a heart attack. The Internet almost crashed right along with him, as many news sites reported service outages. Jackson’s death marked the third celebrity death this week. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon preceded him. McMahon got a pretty good showing of attention, but Fawcett, famous for have blonde hair and nipples, got the shaft since she died a few hours before Jackson. Also, Walter Cronkite’s children are stubbornly insisting their father still lives.

Marriage is an important issue to GOP, fidelity not so much
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford went AWOL this week following what was a rough session of the state legislature or something. In a Waldo-esque adventure, Sanford ditched his security detail, no one on his staff or even his wife knew where he was for days. It was then reported he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail (during naked hiking day no less). Then he turned up at a Georgia airport, returning from Argentina, where his mistress lives. Great, now we’re even exporting jobs in our nation’s sport f&%#ing industry?

United States: Leader in foot-croquet
In international news, soccer, which I am told is a sport, has been the focus of the world with the FIFA Confederations Cup tournament. In nothing short of a miracle, the U.S. team has advanced after upsetting Egypt and Spain, they now go on to face Brazil in the final round. What’s the reason behind the Americans’ success thus far? Extensive experience in winning engagements with Confederates.

Fitness is a matter of perspective

In response to Jason Dinant’s (yeah, we don’t know, either) successful development of six-pack abs, exercise physiologist Pete McCall warns dieters that exercising for aesthetic goals may not be healthy.

“McCall suggested forming goals such as being able to run a certain distance or doing a number of pull-ups or push-ups to shift the focus from appearances to fitness.”

OK, so what if your goal is to wash your clothes using your stomach?

If you like stress so much, why don’t you marry it?

I work in corporate America. Most of the time, it’s not fun. I have to live with overlords that don’t exactly know how to effectively talk to their customers, customers that don’t know who to accurately blame for their troubles, managers who don’t quite have the skillset to do their job properly and a cafeteria that believes a strong menu is based off having green beans on the menu everyday. Yuck. I also have a pretty sweet benefits package.

Of course, seeing as how I don’t do anything dangerous outside of driving my car, I never actually utilize said benefits package.

But you know what? I’m still less stressed out than over 2200 people in Japan. I’m okay with that.

Where we’re going we don’t need Rhodes

Rhode Island is getting a push to have the state’s official name changed. No, it will not be known as Rhode Ochocinco, but rather it will more than likely drop the “and Providence of Plantations” from the end of its name in order to no longer be associated with slavery.

Suggested name changes by The Guys for other states:

  • North Carolina — Can’t Drive for ####
  • Vermont — Hippieville
  • Virginia — So This One Time I Smoked Out With Dave Matthews …
  • Nevada — You Can Pay for Sex Here!!! (exclamation points would be included)
  • California — Caleeforenya
  • Montana — Does Anybody Remember We’re a State?

The animal equivalent of shoe throwing

It seems like we’re starting off a lot of our mornings with stories about the War on Animals these days. We’re sorry about that, but our job isn’t to make the news or even filter it, our job is to let you know what’s going on when no one else will. You’re welcome.

And now, monkeys have little respect for Zambian President Rupiah Banda. The monkey, hiding in a tree like the coward it is, peed on the president during a press conference. The president’s reaction: “Perhaps these are blessings.”

Mr. President, you may believe you are golden, but your showers are not supposed to be.