Day: June 29, 2009

The McBournie Minute: Some people don’t need their 15 minutes

You may have noticed, but right now, it’s not really a good time to be a celebrity. That is of course if you like being alive. David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson (not to mention Billy Mays and some actors who hadn’t worked in 20 years, but let’s stick with the big ones).

Celebrities seem to be kicking the oxygen habit left and right, and this is generally a bad career move. Some can take this as a strange coincidence, but I don’t believe in coincidences (ever notice how Tuesday always follows Monday? Why is that?). Clearly, there is something behind all the celebrity deaths, and I think I know just what it is.

We have too many damn famous people and its time to cull the herd. You see, media moves faster today than it did in a month just 10 years ago, and the entertainment industry tries its best to keep up. This means that we get tired of people faster and faster. After all, you can only watch someone’s star rise so far before you’re ready to see it come crashing back to Earth in a crazy, often drug-fueled, plunge. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Some people don’t need their 15 minutes

Bernie Madoff free to con again in 150 years

In what must be the most disappointing sentence in the history of U.S. criminal justice, Bernie Madoff received a mere 150 years of prison time for his crimes of “11-count information charging securities fraud, investment adviser fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, three counts of money laundering, false statements, perjury, false filings with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and theft from an employee benefit plan.”

Worse, yet, is that our nation’s worst white-collar criminal will be held in a U.S. prison, which means he will have access to lawyers and other inmates. He could possibly escape or even plan more economic attacks while behind bars.

And the biggest blow of all? Thanks to this paltry slap-on-the-beRolexed-wrist, our economy is still dire. Don’t these justices understand that the Money Gods require blood?!

We all need friends, even the inanimate ones

The typical Tanuki statue has several key features that represent eight good traits to have, including perception, trustworthiness, decisiveness and resolve, but in light of this recent incident, perhaps a new one should be added: companionship.

Osamu Kimura, a 41-year-old resident of Aichi prefecture, was caught trying to pilfer a ceramic Tanuki from someone’s garden. Upon conducting a search of the man’s house, police found 15 other Tanuki statues, along with various frogs and dogs, overall coming up to over 30 stolen decorative garden figures. When questioned, Kimura said that he had been lonely living alone since his father and brother passed away, and had been nicking the statues for nearly a year to, of all things, talk to.

For a country as densely inhabited as Japan, to have people so desperate for human contact as to start talking to figures seems a bit odd. Then again, perhaps that density simply exacerbates the situation, making it harder to find friends?

Oh, and one quick note: another thing that tanunkis are known for? Balls. Big, massive balls.

Is this the express shuttle?

Tourists are a pain in just about everyone’s neck. It doesn’t matter where you live, they are just horrible–aside from bringing their money into your local economy, that’s a good thing.

But what can be worse are the methods by which tourist travel. I’m not talking about the traffic problems they cause or their lack of standing aside on escalators. This is about when their charter vans get in trouble with the law.

An unauthorized airport van service in New York led police on a high speed chase while transporting four French tourists. The tourists got the ride of their lives and quite an experience to kick off their trip to America, better known as the greatest country in the world.