Day: July 7, 2009

Eat My Sports: The war we are winning

So this past weekend one of my all-time favorite sporting events occurred, Nathan’s Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest. I can’t remember when I started making this the focal point of my holiday, but needless to say I am thoroughly entertained for a solid hour. This year’s victor for the third straight time was America’s own Joey Chestnut. Taking the title back from that freakazoid known simply as Kobayashi. But amid all the character bios, pan-seared cow brain contests and douchebags with face paint, everyone else missed a point that I did not: we’re defeating the animals with these contests.

Maybe our Coney Island bretheren were on to something almost 100 years ago when they started the eating contest. Maybe they were the early Guys and thought “man, there sure are a lot of pigs around here, maybe if there are too many they will rise up and revolt against us. Why don’t we just kill them and see who can eat the most of their remains in a 10 minute timespan?” Because I know that’s what I’m thinking when I watch them live from New York. You see, these contestants are masked warriors, eating these animals, so that you and I don’t have to fight them. Continue reading Eat My Sports: The war we are winning

Things went so well last time Pope ran commerce

Possible Slogan: You can't misspell 'euthanasia' without 'youth!'Pope Benedict XVI, a man chosen by God to sit on a golden throne in a palace that makes up its own city that is full of locked-away treasures, is asking business people of the world to ask themselves, “WWJD?”

The Pope calls entrepenuers’ and financiers’ morality into question in his latest encyclical, which is kind of like a homemade newspaper, only translated into Latin when it’s rolled out.

Among the practices he abhors are outsourcing (corporate missionary work), abusing natural resources (tending the plants and animals) and–of course–stem cell research, abortion and euthanasia.

So much for our chain of one-stop fetus- and elderly-killing stations. It doesn’t matter if we unionize (which he did support); Pope still says it’s wrong.

Japan to be invaded by tentacled animals, just another Tuesday

As if machine rebellion and amphibian plagues weren’t enough, it seems that another sign of the end times has popped up in the form of terrifying swarms of monstrous jellyfish. Scientists monitoring jellyfish activity off the coasts of China and Japan have reported crazy-huge numbers of Nomura’s jellyfish, a giant species that is wider than a man is tall, and three times his weight.

Swarms (or blooms, for the cultured people among us) of jellyfish have been reported in increasing numbers in recent year, killing off fishing populations, shutting down beaches, destroying fishnets and even disabling power plants. One swarm (I don’t care nun for mys culture!) clogged the intake pipes of a power plant in the Philippines, causing a blackout and leading people to think that a coup d’etat had been launched. Which probably isn’t far from what the animals were attempting.

However, such swarms are also known to be a seasonal, natural phenomena, and part of the reproduction process of most jelly species. Theories posited to explain the increase in their size and frequency range from the effects of climate change (warming waters are drawing jellies upward), overfishing (species that eat jellies are being depopulated), and human impact (industrial waste and dams increasing the nutrient level in coastal waters).

Isolation, brothers and sisters! We don’t need to swim! Once they leave the water, the victory is ours!

God and dogs don’t mix

You know who’s been quiet in the War on Animals? God. That’s who. Sure, he created the animals and gave us domain over them, but what does he think now that they are trying to overrun us?

We’re still waiting for the Big Guy to open up the heavens and root us on, but until then, we are convinced he’s on our side. Unfortunately, the species traitors think he’s on their side, too. One church in Austin, Texas (figures) is even inviting dogs, man’s alleged best friend, to worship with their owners.

We all know that keep a pet is perfectly acceptable. They are servants and let us learn about our enemy. But bringing them to church is wrong. Animals have no soul, have no concept of a higher being, and cannot get into heaven, no matter what the movies might say. Dogs attending our services just gives the false notion that we can work this war out.

It’s not that simple.