Day: July 10, 2009

You Missed It: Calling it quits edition

You missed You Missed It, and You Missed It missed you, too. I hope all of you American readers out there enjoyed the day off. As for the international readers, well, too bad for you. If you were busy emerging out of Chapter 11 this week, odds are you missed it.

Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell is a hockey mom, too
We were off on Friday, as was the rest of the country. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin knew it, too. That’s why she made the “gotcha media” show up in her back yard for a rambling announcement that she is stepping down from her post for the last 16 months of her term. Palin will step down at the end of the month to get back to her roots–feeling victimized and retooling her condescension.

Not an Olympic year
Real American Hero Lance Armstrong finished third in the seventh leg of the Tour de France, which is Spanish for “Tour of France on a bicycle.” Armstrong, whose blood is in fact red, white and blue, is chasing his 8th title in the month-long race. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps set a record in the butterfly event, and Honduras just won some international soccer tournament. There, I just saved you hours watching sports you don’t care about.

This was intentionally placed last
Insane Passionate fans bade farewell to the King of Pop in Los Angeles earlier this week. In a massive ceremony, Jackson’s family urged for money, as the spectacle they created cost the bankrupt city $1.4 million. Don’t worry, Joe Jackson will be putting Jacko’s kids on tour in no time. They’ll work if they don’t want to be hit, right, Joe?

Oh god, I’m fat

I know it was you, Popeye. You broke my heart.In my on-going series of ways that Alabama is trying to kill me, I’ve learned that I’m a no-good fat fatty-fat fat-fat.

Those of you who may know me would be surprised, considering I’ve always seemed smaller than everyone else (except Chugs). But that’s exactly how it snuck up on me.

According to Time Magazine, Alabama ranks as not only one of the poorest, but also one of the fattest states (except Mississippi). Over 30% of this state’s population is obese because of fried food, gravy and a lack of grocery stores, sidewalks, bike lanes and public transportation (gotta walk to bus stops).

Because so many people around me are obese, I didn’t even notice my weight gain. No matter how big I got, I looked “normal.” And, according to CNN, even Old Navy may have conspired against me by marking larger cloths with smaller measurements! So my waist size hasn’t really been 30 this whole time!

So, when Alabama’s tornadoes and rising STD rates missed me, it resorted to the old fashioned way: diabetes and heart disease.

Summer traffic somehow gets worse

Animals are all about stopping our progress, and part of that is stopping the flow of regular human traffic.

We take you first to Germany. There, a motorist reported a dead badger lying in the middle of the road. Turns out the badger was just passed out drunk from eating overripe cherries. As we have said in the past, booze and animals just don’t mix.

Next, back over to the good ol’ U.S. of Alpha, where it was a normal day at John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York on Wednesday–that is until the runway was invaded with turtles. Not just regular turtles, not even ninja turtles. They were horny turtles, and they delayed flights (like JFK needs any help in reasons for delayed flights) while workers shooed them away. The turtles are still at large.

Big is beautiful and single

That’s right: if you’re a woman who happens to be a chubby-chaser, then you’ve got the chance to land yourself a jackpot of a man here. The sumo grand champion Asashoryu announced that he’s getting a divorce from his wife of five years. The two have had troubles for years, as she apparently wasn’t even publicly seen in his trip to Mongolia two years back, nor have they been living together. DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMM.

So, what can you do to win this man’s heart? Well, it’s been said that he’s big into fashion, so might I suggest a date to the fashion district of Japan (whatever that is)? He’ll enjoy going around and talking to the high-end designers, no doubt. It’ll suck that his handler will likely follow you on the date, as an overprotective parent would, but they can also be a good resource on knowing the right places to go eat. Also, you might not want to make any comments about his weight. You know, just in case.

Damn ageless apes!

A study that has just finished after over 20 years of observation, shows that by decreasing the amount of calories a monkey intakes, it will slow down aging and increase it’s lifespan. They say they are doing this as a trial before going to human experimentation (wow! Eating better can be good for you, who knew?), but why are we trying to extend the life of monkeys?

They are hairy, they smell, they throw their crap at each other, and they were living on borrowed time until we now have given them the proper intel to figure out how to extend their time to devise a plan against us. Screw you science.

Or you could just walk out of the building

Natural gas is the third most dangerous form of energy (nuclear is #1 and wind, which slices off 40,000 limbs a year in the U.S. alone, is #2). It can blow you up. The best part is, it gets pumped right into your house!

The same goes for hotel rooms but it’s important to be careful. Should someone call your hotel room and tell you there is a gas leak, so you need to smash a hole through a wall so that the man trapped in the next room can get out, this may not be a great idea. The same thing goes for if that person then tells you to take the toilet tank and throw it through the window. Additionally, you may want to be skeptical if they tell you to throw your mattress out the window and tell you to get ready to jump.

It just might be a prank.