Day: July 14, 2009

Eat My Sports: The 42-year-old virgin

As sports fans we tend to overlook a lot of things with our teams, but more specifically, we tend to overlook certain players and how much they actually mean to us. I got thrown on this train of thought when it was announced that at the age of 42, Boston Red Sox knuckle baller Tim Wakefield would be making his first ever trip to an All-Star game.

I was geeked out when I found this out. Not only has Wakefield been outstanding this season, but he’s completely changed my perception as a coinflip as to whether the Sox would win or lose. But this made me look back at the 15 years Wakefield has been in Boston, and realize that regardless of anything aside from the Green Monster, Wake has been the one reliable part of any Red Sox season. Continue reading Eat My Sports: The 42-year-old virgin

Fish will totally eat you if they’re given the chance

It’s sad to think, but it’s true-we are clearly living in a bad M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Okay, sorry, I realize that the word “bad” is redundant when used in that description. Nonetheless, it’s true. Fish in Switzerland are not only somehow growing to immense proportions (I assume that they are-the metric is completely indecipherable to me, after all), but they’re now attacking humans.

Let me rephrase that-they were. An enormous zander, a freshwater fish, was caught in a Swiss lake after having been terrorizing swimmers. Luckily, this story has a happy ending. Not only was it caught with a harpoon (which Captain Ahab has taught us is the most manliest of ways to fish) rather than a wussy net, the monster was then served up to tourists at the lake. Sure, they might grow slightly larger in the next coming months and experience possible increased levels of aggression, but bollocks to that!

Justice truly must be delicious.

Super Mario forced me to touch the kiddies

Blaming videogames for your sins is all the rage, and it’s such a hip movement that even dirty pedophiles are doing it! 38-year-old Ontario man Michael Cherry sure loves him some kiddy porn, but in pleading guilty to possessing the grisly stuff, he offered a most compelling explanation.

Cherry has implicated video games and comic books as contributors to his diseased state of mind, claiming that he lived in a “closed box” and that his “friendless fantasy” was fueled by interactive entertainment. The truck driver also did what many pedophiles do and tried to play the “bad childhood” card, bemoaning a life in foster care and bringing up his apparent clinical depression.

“I’d work, come home . . . lock myself in my apartment…”

Of course, there’s no excuse for downloading child pornography, no matter your background or social standing. It’s just sad that excuses are being made, and it’s thanks to those out there who have made games and comics, among other totally unrelated forms of media, easy scapegoats for criminals who wish to shed themselves of any sense of accountability. Of course, it makes one wonder who’s going to take the accountability of popping Cherry’s cherry in jail.

At least, if you weren’t wondering then, you are now. I am an evil person.

Reason #6: You read this article

Do you *really* want to know why?Listen, single ladies. We know it’s tough out there when you don’t have a man to all marry you and give you socks to clean.

And, speaking as (The) Guys, we don’t make it any easier on you by dumping you. But you’re not going to find the answers by reading articles like these or asking a guy friend* to interpret it for you.

There’s only one reason straight men dump you: we don’t want to hang out with you, watch your TV shows, eat your food, talk to your friends, play with your cats and ride in your car anymore.

Also, there’s never somebody else; there’s everybody else.

There: mystery solved. Now go show your boobs to somebody else.

*Really, just one? What’s his qualification, an PhD in Manwatching? We’re not exactly scientists here, but what if your one male friend is retarded or in love with you and trying to prove it through subtle responses to an article about why jerks dump awesome women?

Cats: the new Hitler

We’ve been warning you about this for years, but nooooooooooooobody listens to us. We’ve tried to tell you that the animals are advancing on us, finding new ways to control us, even through mind control. But apparently it takes a scientific study to prove what four unaccredited Radford University grads have been trying to tell you since 2006: cats control people.

Those innocent, purring faces are doing more than begging you for a head scratch and a can of tuna. Oh no, these felines are trying to break our defense systems. Fight back and eat more authentic Chinese food!

Yet another example of good science

Let’s be honest. Would you rather not remember last night, or not remember most of your life in your final years?

Pick up a drink. Do it right now. Because science tells us that alcohol may reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s. Also, it reduces the risk of dementia, which sounds like the old-timey term for Alzheimer’s, but for argument’s sake, we’ll say that they are two different afflictions. The point is, booze can save your brain.

The study followed over 3,000 senior citizens who drank moderately. They defined that as 14 drinks per week. However, if you have 14 drinks per night you just might be able to fight dementia and kill it before it even things about coming after you. So drink early, drink often.