Day: July 15, 2009

Take it from Snee: The solutions you’ve been looking for

What's a metaphor?I live in a world filled with problems. I’d say you do, too, but I haven’t determined if you are real. Either way, let’s just say you live in a world that I may have created in my head and it’s full of problems.

In this world of problems, there are problem-solvers. Some of them are qualified (plumbers), and others are self-appointed (that nosy bitch next door). Even the most qualified of problem-solvers, though, can misdiagnose your problem or even treat the right problem incorrectly.

Analogically-speaking, I’ve watched the world pour Drano on this colicky baby far too long. I would be at fault if I didn’t step in.

Now, I’m not going to lie to you–sitting all high and mighty in my custom low-rider office chair–and tell you I have all the answers. I don’t. I just have the right ones.

(By that, I mean “correct,” not right versus left.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: The solutions you’ve been looking for

Maybe he can face some theoretical jail time?

Let’s be honest here, people: there should probably be some technical terms for multiple levels of stupid. For now I’ll just make some up: if you have to gauge the actions of the guy in this story and your choices are A Little Slow, Stone Cold Stupid, Colossal Moron and Drooling Vegetable, it would fall somewhere between the third and the fourth. What happened here is that an eighteen year old Johnson County, Indiana resident decided to announce he was planning to hijack a plane. While playing World of Warcraft. Remember, geeks do their crimes online.

It’s been reported that the teen was playing the game yesterday morning when he announced that he

“was going to board a plane at 7:30 to Chicago and that (he) was going to try and kill as many Americans as possible”.

Which totally doesn’t imply suicide at all, moron.

A facilitator from an online gaming center reported the kid after hearing him repeat himself a few times. When confronted, the teen at first said that someone hacked into his computer, then backpedaled and said he was just kidding around. How humbling it must be to have your e-penis so swiftly and suddenly confiscated!

A rep from Blizzard who had gone over the chat logs said they seemed very serious and not like a joke at all. In the meantime, the teen’s computer has been seized by the FBI, who are looking further into the case. Charges could possibly be filed with the U.S. Attorney’s office, but it hasn’t gone that far yet. I bet he’s not allowed to play WoW anymore, which could possibly be the end of his world.

Pet peeve much? Absolutely

Look, we hate pissing all over someone else’s linguistics work, especially when they’re pointing 0ut an overused and subsequently undervalued word. Frequent readers of this site may be familiar with my own work in this field, “Cleaning Out the Language Gutters.”

And that’s not to say that John Blake of CNN wasn’t on the right path, but it’s hard to argue why a word is frequently used in inappropriate situations since he never bothered to define that word.

So, congratulations, John: from your hamfisted examples of Barack Obama using the word, to quotes from jackoffs realizing their “problem” and an O.J. Simpson reference, you absolutely dropped the ball on this one.

This is business news my liver could love

Kirin is not one of my favorite beers. It’s not too dry and it’s not too dark, and while it’s not the perfect amber that I usually order, it still gets the job done. I tend to prefer my beer a bit heavier, along the lines of Killian’s or a Sam Adams (Summer Ale FTW) but it’ll do in a pinch. I’m also not too particularly fond of Suntory whiskey, though I admit that I rarely get a chance to partake in mainly due to it’s not exactly something that every liquor store carries in stock either. God knows mine doesn’t.

But, maybe that’ll soon change.

It was announced recently that Kirin and Suntory have begun talks, hoping to merge the two companies and form the fifth largest food company in the world, which puts the company in league with the likes of Kraft and Pepsico Inc. How is that possible? Kirin actually owns a number of companies which distribute food and alcohol throughout Australia and Asia.

While the deal isn’t solid yet, Kirin is already working with Suntory by expanding distribution and procurement. This means that you’ll probably be seeing more of that Japanese whiskey making it’s way stateside in the future. Maybe. Hopefully.

Man’s best traitor

Whatever you do, don’t read this out loud. There are animals all around you. Even if you don’t have a pet, there is probably a fly or a dust mite within earshot. Why should you care? It looks like animals are getting smarter.

According to a new report, dogs can understand your gestures as well as a toddler can. This explains why they both drool a lot and are content eating food you would never touch. The bad news is that they can read our body language, the good news is that you can still swear around them without them even knowing what the hell you’re talking about.

Remember: the enemy is watching.