Day: July 30, 2009

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Battlefield Baseball’

Battlefield Baseball is not exactly what you would call a sane movie. Though, I guess I should back up a minute first.

Baseball movies are almost always feel-good chick flicks. Bull Durham is about romance. Field of Dreams is about hope. The Rookie is a lesson in perseverance. For Love of the Game is about … well, who really knows what that one’s about other than Kevin Costner’s penis is laughable (at least, according to the rumors regarding early test screenings).

But really, who cares? The point is that, ironically enough, baseball movies ultimately aren’t for guys. They’re a way for girls to get guys to watch chick flicks. Except, of course, Major League. That one’s for guys.

Have no fear, though. There’s another that’s totally for guys, if only because, by process of elimination, it’s definitely not for women. As I mentioned in the beginning, it’s not a sane movie. But why is it for guys then? Hit the jump to find out why. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Battlefield Baseball’

We nailed it: Beergate ’09

In our coverage about the Gates arrest while everyone ignores health care, we made note of President Obama’s invitation to Gates and Crowley to the White House for a beer.

In the comments, we made this prediction:

Rick Snee on July 28th, 2009 11:42 am

This week’s big “political” scandal: is Obama a beer snob? How much are taxpayers paying for special interest brews? Why does Obama support outsourcing American pale ales to India?

You read it here first, folks.

Read it and weep, unbelievers. We’re movers and shakers, baby.

Keeping your finger-the latest version of a dowery

It’s no secret that Japan’s graying population and shrinking birthrate are major concerns, and everyone is being asked to pitch in and help out in their own way. From attractive public service billboards to special cash bonuses, businesses and government are all working to encourage the young people left in the country to get busy and make more young people.

What’s really weird is that there’s now an industry. Opportunities are to be found everywhere to be labeled as “marriage brokers”, or people who matchmake without the help of a weird website and weirder commercials. Obviously, if there’s a new industry, then there’s opportunity for crime. Fifteen men with ties to the yakuza have been arrested for running a series of marriage brokering scams and making off with as much as 1 billion yen from 200 victims. It’s hard out there for a yakuza.

Posing as “celebrity marriage brokers”, the gangsters would entice victims into signing up for their service with a “membership fee” of about 100,000 yen, and then setting up dates with accomplice “sakura” girls. Each date would cost a fee to set up along with various “deposits” and convenience charges. The client would then be strung along for more and more dates as his bride-to-be feigned growing affection. When the time was right, the gangsters and their girls would just disappear. One victim was taken for nearly 80 million yen. Their scams also went small-scale, targeting rural, lower-income marks for about 100,000 yen apiece. Victims in those cases were more likely to just write off the losses rather than shame themselves trying to get their money back.

Do the yen to dollar translation yourself. And no, we won’t make a joke about a shotgun wedding.

Where is the racism?

Given the chance, Obama could be one of his multi-racial best friends.If you’ve been following the Henry Louis Gates, Jr. situation, you might be a little disappointed. Sgt. James Crowley turned out not to be as much of a cross-and/or-book-burning Cambridge gestapo than we hoped.

Worse yet, they’re settling this problem with a beer, so Gates might not be as much of a latte-sipping, vagina-painting snob than we thought.

Honestly, all we ask for–as a news-reading public–is a little over-the-top racism. Black-on-white, white-on-black … who cares? Didn’t you see the box office numbers for Gran Turino?

And that’s where Boston police officer Justin Barrett saves the day. Let’s go to the quote box:

“In Barrett’s e-mail, which was posted on a Boston television station’s Web site, he declared that if he had ‘been the officer he verbally assaulted like a banana-eating jungle monkey, I would have sprayed him in the face with OC (oleoresin capsicum, or pepper spray) deserving of his belligerent non-compliance.’

“Barrett used the ‘jungle monkey’ phrase four times, three times referring to Gates and once referring to [Boston Globe columnist, Yvonne] Abraham’s writing as ‘jungle monkey gibberish.'”

Mm, delicious. But that’s not all! What did Barrett follow it up with after he got in trouble?

“‘I have so many friends of every type of culture and race you can name. I am not a racist.'”

Gonna need a cigarette after that. Nothing beats old-timey “some of my best friends” crackery.

The uprising has begun–in Jersey

New Jersey sucks–everyone knows that. That’s why it produces such great music. People know that the music industry is their only hopes of making it out of the wilds of the Garden State. Yes, if we had to off one state, we all know we’d aim the missiles at “Jersey.”

Unfortunately, the animals know it, too. They know that if an attack happens there, the rest of the country is not going to lift a finger to assist. Recently, the animals moved their focus on Boonton Township, New Jersey.

Last Thursday, a black bear broke into a human’s garage, went into the freezer and snacked on all the meat that was in there. The bear made off with chicken breasts, hamburgers, sausage, steaks and a loaf of bread for, you guessed it, a pic-a-nic.

A few days later, police were called in to deal with a crazy groundhog. Oh yes, this groundhog tried to attack a citizen and both arresting officers. A man called police when he tried to leave his house and get into his truck when he was attacked by the groundhog. Despite being kicked several times, the beast just kept coming. He had to retreat into the house and call the police. They eventually maced the beast and took him away for “questioning.”

I smell a Springsteen song!