Month: July 2009

The uprising has begun–in Jersey

New Jersey sucks–everyone knows that. That’s why it produces such great music. People know that the music industry is their only hopes of making it out of the wilds of the Garden State. Yes, if we had to off one state, we all know we’d aim the missiles at “Jersey.”

Unfortunately, the animals know it, too. They know that if an attack happens there, the rest of the country is not going to lift a finger to assist. Recently, the animals moved their focus on Boonton Township, New Jersey.

Last Thursday, a black bear broke into a human’s garage, went into the freezer and snacked on all the meat that was in there. The bear made off with chicken breasts, hamburgers, sausage, steaks and a loaf of bread for, you guessed it, a pic-a-nic.

A few days later, police were called in to deal with a crazy groundhog. Oh yes, this groundhog tried to attack a citizen and both arresting officers. A man called police when he tried to leave his house and get into his truck when he was attacked by the groundhog. Despite being kicked several times, the beast just kept coming. He had to retreat into the house and call the police. They eventually maced the beast and took him away for “questioning.”

I smell a Springsteen song!

Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

All of your friends are probably doing it, too.Ever since adults picked up literacy from their kids, the world has been divided into two types of people:

  1. Those who read Harry Potter and tragically admit to it
  2. Those who read Harry Potter and hide it behind protesting too much

Let me clarify. There’s nothing wrong with reading Harry Potter and watching the movies and maybe even dressing up every once in a while (if you’re hot). Though the wheel may be squeaky, the real problem isn’t adults.

It’s not even witchcraft, morally-ambiguous elf slavery or alcoholism. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

It’s maybe baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

It’s almost impossible to not like Journey’s song “Don’t Stop Believing.” It’s a heartwarming tale of inspiration full of dulcet tones and sweet melodies. Not only, it’s catchy! I mean, once you hear it, the song is in your head.

So who’s the jerk that’s been playing it to Pluto?

The former planet, now listed as a dwarf, has made some powerful allies who believe their discoveries will convince astronomers to bring Pluto back into the planetary fold. Mark Sykes of the Planetary Science Institute in Tucson, Arizona, suggests that Pluto’s demotion stems from a misconception that full-fledged planets are somehow unusual:

“We are in the midst of a conceptual revolution,” he says. “We are shaking off the last vestiges of the mythological view of planets as special objects in the sky – and the idea that there has to be a small number of them because they’re special.”

Not only that, but:

Sykes believes that missions currently en route to Pluto and the asteroid Ceres, which orbits the sun between Mars and Jupiter, will reveal these dwarf planets as active and intricate worlds. Meanwhile, astronomers may find distant objects as large as Earth which the IAU would not define as planets.

So what does this mean? Well, many astronomers are now coming toward the theory that that any planet large enough to be pulled into a sphere by its own gravity should be considered a planet. Of course, by this definition, not only would Pluto be a planet, so would Ceres, Haumea, Makemake, and Eris, all currently considered dwarfs.

Way to go, guys. Everyone knows that once you let Makemake and Eris into the neighborhood, the property values plummet like there’s no tomorrow.

Synthethic ‘roids make us testy

Listen, people. If the FDA and we’ve told you before, we’ll tell you again: don’t use synthetic steroids. They don’t work, except for the liver cancer part.

If you want to make your testicles look smaller, use natural, American-grown steroids instead. And make sure you take them with plenty of clean urine!

It’s especially important in these tough economic times because steroids are a growth industry.

Think of the American testosterone farmer next time you shop for that competitive edge.

You mean you’re canceling the cod feast?

A sunny day, a crowd, some alcohol and a greased up cod is usually a recipe for fun, but in Milbridge, Maine, it turned into danger.

In Milbridge, the town has a tradition of celebrating its birthday the way most towns do, by forming teams dressed in firemen’s turnout gear and seeing who can carry a greased up, 20-pound cod fish 90 feet the fastest. But it got ugly over the weekend–ugly big time.

Fisticuffs broke out over a minor driving infraction that happened earlier in the day. Two people ended up being sent to the hospital after a brawl involving 50 to 60 people was put down local and state police.

In related news, guys, I’m not supposed to be up there until next week, you were supposed to save the drunken fights until then!

Eat My Sports: Trade winds

That’s right kids, it’s that magical time of year where I am going to start talking baseball every week because FOOTBALL DOESN’T EVEN START UNTIL SEPTEMBER. I know you lonely Redskins fans out there can’t wait to see Jason Campbell squander another year’s worth of rooting for you, but face the facts, baseball is all that matters right now. Friday marks the non-waiver trade deadline for Major League Baseball, which basically means its the pseudo end for teams to make a big splash. So, keeping that in mind, as long as you’re checking updates on your sweeeeeeet iPhone, look for the following things to pan out.

Cliff Lee will be traded before Roy Halladay
Don’t sleep on the fact that while Roy Halladay has been marketed as the Jesus of pitching, Cliff Lee of the Indians (even in a down year) is a cheaper version that won’t cost your team nearly as much. The Blue Jays want one of your team’s starters, your top pitching prospect, and pretty much your best position player. That’s why the Phillies aren’t dumb enough to unload all that talent for a guy who A) is 32, and B) has never pitched in the postseason. Lee, while a commodity, at least is a proven one and won’t cost you your future. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Trade winds

M&Ms dying to be called medicine

Although it's also in blue Gatorade, which is now called "G" ...You know how some people claim to be able to taste the difference between different food-colored M&Ms? Or how the green ones make you look like a sad pervert?

Researchers at the University of Rochester Medical Center, New York, may have found a link between the dye used to make M&Ms look blue and reducing spinal injuries. (Goodbye, lumbago!)

Known as Brilliant Blue G or BBG, which still doesn’t explain the G, the dye is oxidized ATP, which is an abbreviation in which all the letters really mean something. This oxidized stuff blocks the non-oxidized stuff that the body normally dispatches to a spinal injury scene from making it worse.

The most noticeable side effect from blocking your body’s stupid is turning it blue. Willy Wonka is reportedly kicking himself for giving his flawed gum formula away to his competitors, Mars, Inc.

OH SNAP! It’s not over until it red-rings!

We’re no stranger to athletes needing cause for attention and thus making insanely large jackasses of themselves regularly in the public spotlight. So, of course, when recently signed Seattle Seahawk, T.J. Houshmandzadeh found out his rating on Madden NFL 10 was only a 91, he became upset. And decided to let the world know that he was upset. Because you’re apparently allowed to do that when you make more than a million dollars a year, even in this economy.

EA Tiburon wasn’t having any of that. Nuh-uh.

Just last week, two developers for the game, Ian Cummings and Donny Moore went on to ESPN First Take to set the record straight. Houshmandzadeh (thank you copy and paste combinations) also appeared on the show.

It was predictably anti-climactic. No names were dropped, no fists were thrown (a little hard with Houshmandzadeh appearing via telephone, mind you), no challenges were uttered, but a resolution was sorted of sorts. Houshmandzadeh (once again, thank you Command + V) wishes very much for a mid-season update. Let’s just hope he’s earning his money by Week 9.