Month: August 2009

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1950-1959)

When I was in school, in history classes they only taught us up until the end of World War II. This was not because I was going to school in the 1940s, but the teachers just ran out of steam or did not want to cover any of the controversial topics of the rest of the 20th century. The Nazis were evil, we beat them, America is a super power, the end. I had one high school American History course that made it to the Marshall Plan.

Still, I feel like something happened in those remaining 55 years that could better explain where we are today. That’s why I, Bryan McBournie, who minored in history, am here to help you learn about what happened through the decades since World War II. If you watch enough television  or listen to enough music ,you should know some of this yourself.

I’m starting with the 1950s. Why? Because nothing happened from 1946 to 1949 and you know it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1950-1959)

What? Kids say crazy things in college

The Virginia gubernatorial race is heating up! Republican candidate, Bob McDonnell, is facing criticism for his college thesis, which the Democrat candidate, Creigh Deeds, has featured in his attack ads.

To comprehensively lay out the issue, SeriouslyGuys will now discuss the story in Point/Counterpoint.

Point: McDonnell wrote the thesis 20 years ago! He says he’s changed his mind since then. Remember how you thought when you were young, dumb and full of liberal education?

Counterpoint: McDonnell was 34 years old when he wrote it … at Pat “Jesus Rides Dinosaurs” Robertson’s Regeant University.

Point: OK, but it was a college thesis–a thought experiment. It’s not like it was his plan for the Republican Party to combat feminism and reinstall religion in public schools.

Counterpoint: “The thesis was called ‘The Republican Party’s Vision for the Family: The Compelling Issue of the Decade.’ In it, McDonnell wrote that working women are ‘detrimental’ the the family; that feminism is among ‘the real enemies of the traditional family’; and that the ‘purging’ of religious influence in public schools is damaging to healthy families.”

Point: Fine. But, McDonnell[‘s campaign] still says he’s changed. He’s now a husband and father of “strong working women.”

Counterpoint: So, not only did McDonnell write a paper that echoes Dan Quayle’s 1989 positions, but he couldn’t even enforce them in his own home?

Point: That’s what women do to a man.

Counterpoint: Touché.

Spoilers: space is full of death

Remember, in space, no one can hear an emo planet cut itself.

A planet ten times the size of Jupiter is orbiting so close to its parent star, that it orbits in less than a single Earth day. It has one million years until one of the tidal plasma bulges its gravity is excreting on its parent star catch up with it, and then … KAPLOOIE!

So, why is this news? Because, technically, the planet is our galactic neighbor.

So, why isn’t this news? Cue on the word “technically.” By that, I mean that the planet is 325 light years away from Earth.

What’s in a name

In a sad day for fans of booze-related last names, Tedy Bruschi is set to retire from the New England Patriots. Bruschi’s 13-year NFL career was defined by his comeback from a stroke, tenacious defense and the ability to give announcers free reign to make as many beer references as possible during a three hour broadcast. Carlos Boozer could not be reached for comment.

Yet another moon hoax

In 1969, the Apollo 11 astronauts came back from the moon and embarked on a worldwide good will tour. During their stop in Holland, they and the then-U.S. ambassador gave the country a moon rock, which is now on display in a Dutch museum.

As it turns out, the moon rock is actually a piece of petrified wood. The Dutch, being the kindly people that they are, don’t really seem to care about the discovery of their 40-year old gift. Instead, they will keep displaying it.

Wait a minute, wait just a minute–they’re saying the moon has trees? This is amazing!

You Missed It: Bad year to be old and famous edition

It’s Friday! You know what that means, Michael Jackson is still dead of a drug overdose. Only now we know which ones, WOOOOOOO! If you were busy banning robocalls this week, odds are you missed it.

The lion sleeps permanently
Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy died this week after battling brain cancer. He died a matter of weeks after his sister Eunice. He is survived by his wife Vicki, sons Edward and Patrick, daughter Kara, stepchildren, grandchildren, his former wife, Joan Kennedy, and his lifelong companion, Johnny Walker.

‘How dare you besmirch my Playboy playmate girlfriend’s honor?’
Brody Jenner, star of The Hills, accused Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame of beating his girlfriend this week. The two men had a fight in a Hollywood club, in a rare battle where one hopes both parties lose. Apparently, someone was Tasered. TMZ, where’s the footage?

iCommunism
Apple Inc. has just signed a deal to sell iPhones in China. Two versions of the phone (which is made there, by the way) will be on sale in China as soon as the fourth quarter of this year. In future news, China would like to sell you an unlocked iPhone for really, really cheap. Special price.

Gov’t declares war on vampires (robocalls by proxy)

Somebody at the FTC must have received a prerecorded sales call, because they’re finally making the practice illegal. As of Tuesday, September 1, it will be illegal for businesses to place unsolicited calls. So, just like vampires, they can’t come in unless you invite them.

Wait a minute … September 1 … that’s only 6 days away from … Labor Day …

Oh. My. God. It’s finally happened! The U.S. government has declared war on capitalism and is ringing in the new Socialist year by reigning in the auto-dialing invisible Hand of the Free Market!

And if you don’t believe us, politicians are exempt from the ban!

Damn you, Obama! WE WILL BE HEARD!

Eagle technique, snake technique … possum technique?

Hey, it works in video games! If your name is Solid Snake. Otherwise, GTFO.

Some motorcycle guys were out having fun in Sakai City until one of them ran into a police motorcycle. After the collision, the guy tried to bolt, but was caught not too far away by police. When he was questioned, he just played dead to get out of any trouble. Police even called an ambulance, despite his regular breathing and heartbeat.

Of course, in situations like this, there’s only one thing to do: mess with him to get him a reaction. That’s what one of the medics was thinking when they inserted a catheter into his urethra. But this guy’s good: he didn’t even flinch.

Apparently, his act went on for about three hours. Then his mom showed up. So totally lame.

“I was tired, so I just went to sleep,” he lied said.

The meter is still running

In less Metropolitan areas, one tends to believe there are no cab drivers. In Phoenix, not only are there cab drivers, but those cab drivers want to give you their organs.

A woman who was often driven to dialysis treatments by a cab driver was offered a kidney from her chauffer recently. If someone came up to you and offered an organ, would you really accept it? As it turns out, the cabby’s kidney is a very close match. Thus saving the woman’s life. The kidney is reported to smell like one of those pine tree air fresheners.

See? We don’t always get all “world is ending” on you.