Day: August 3, 2009

The McBournie Minute: Obama won’t buy my car

The Car Allowance Rebate System (CARS), better known as Cash for Clunkers, was supposed to go until November. Funding lasted roughly a week. Nice job on that one, guys. Good planning. This is from the same people who brought you the digital conversion rebate program–which was underfunded.

But rather than get in a government-related rant, let’s look at this a bit closer. MY CAR DIDN’T QUALIFY.

What the hell? I pay my taxes, I stand for the national anthem at baseball games, hell, I can even say the Pledge of Allegiance in Latin. America, why can’t you pay me back? All I ask for is $4,500 to go toward a new car, because let’s face it, my car just isn’t worth that. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Obama won’t buy my car

Government provides ‘cash for clunkers’

They make up 60% of every Autotrader. (20% are every Camaro ever made.)According to the Headline of the Day, the Cash for Clunkers government program helped Ford report their first gain in auto sales since November 2007.

In future news, the Cash for Clunkers program will run out of money again in two years when everyone trades in their 2009 Fords.

Those terrifying Kodak moments

Was Roland Emmerich unavailable?

The U.S. Department of Defense has finally released the April 27th Air Force One photos over New York City. There was some delay because they had to photoshop several thousand pee-pee stains from the pants of New Yorkers below.

The flyover was condemned by Mayor Michael Bloomberg and President Barack Obama because it was unannounced and “around the site of the World Trade Center.” Defense officials countered that the flight was a classified mission, which explains both why they didn’t tell anyone and why it was done with a bright blue and white plane over one of the most populated cities in America.

If we believe anything here at SeriouslyGuys, it’s that mistakes are learning experiences: it’s only OK to use aircraft in New York if they’re attacking a giant ape or being emceed by Al Roker.

Ooook oook ooook kill kill kill

Japan would like you to know that humanity is doomed and they’ve had a hand in said dooming.

Again.

A man in Japan has been teaching Pan-kun, a particularly intelligent chimpanzee, to use water weapons on human beings. The chimp learns quite quickly once the desired technique is demonstrated, ably aping the trainer’s actions, using a hydraulic pump gun as well as a more Super Soaker-like weapon on the unsuspecting cameraman, then targeting a group of effigies, including one of show presenter Ken Shimura.

Pan-kun is actually a celebrity of sorts. Among other things he has learned to play baseball as well as make, then eat noodles. What all this adds up to is some great news for those who fear takeover by intelligent robots. Instead, we will be conquered by the intelligent animals and human subspecies, invented by the over-consumption of genetically modified food.

Our only hope? Blowing up the Statue of Liberty.

(Not really, FBI and CIA)