Eat My Sports: Boston translation

It’s October 17, 2004, a miserable excuse for a Sunday. I’m tired as hell from my trip to New York, and its production night for Bryan McBournie and me at our college newspaper, The Tartan. We go in to start our layouts, and hardly say a word to anyone, people want to ask us if we’re ok, but even the non-sports fans knew that today was not the day to talk. Today is our death march. Today is what we have come to expect as individuals. Today we have our souls carved out again. Today is hell. Today the Red Sox get swept, and there is not a damn thing we can do but watch.

Normally when we go to our watering hole, BT’s, its all smiles. We know the bartenders, know the waitresses, and are occasionally rewarded for our patronage with a warm shot of house tequilla for free. Not tonight though. Even our most familiar bartender Todd has a grimace on his face when we come in during the sixth inning. He fills a pitcher of Keystone, hands us two mugs and forces a smile. McBournie and I sit in the semblance of a dining area that only a college “restaurant and fine dining” bar can offer. The game is on the big screen, it’s 4-3 New York, and we know were its headed, this is our fate as Red Sox fans. Doom. Elevated hope that eventually crushes even your will to want to even get up the next day. It’s sick that we get this way as fans, but we’re a different breed, and fate is a fickle broad. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Boston translation

Halitosis is officially grounded

China’s space program is barring aspiring astronauts with halitosis, which is just one of 100 new rules for wannabe flyboys flygirls flypeople..

One hundred candidates, both male and female, have reported to the No. 454 Hospital of the People’s Liberation Army in in the hopes of joining the burgeoning ranks of China’s astronauts. Nanjing doctor Shi Bing Bing (who has a totally awesome name, mind you) revealed to Chinese newspapers that, in addition to passing rigorous mental and physical tests, the candidates will have to fulfill a list of 100 mandatory standards before they’ll be allowed to fly. One item on the list: absolutely no bad breath, as one’s breath and other body odors can negatively affect colleagues in the confines of a space craft.

Other requirements include no cavities, no scars, no drug allergies, no ringworm, no runny noses, and no serious family illness in the last three generations. Married aspirants must get permission from their spouses before they can leave the Earth. And candidates are expected to possess a generally “pleasant and adaptable disposition.” What’s not on the list? No farting. Oh, so morning breath is a mission-killer, but if an astronaut rips one after trying out a 3 bean burrito (possibly freeze-dried), then things are okie-dokie?

Stiff requirements? Yup. Probably because, according to the good doctor, China is attempting to create the modern superhero. A modern superhero that cannot kill rogue aliens with nasty breath. Smart move, China.

Protip: If you are a modern superhero in China, don’t get too self-righteous. You might just get run over by a tank.

Bill Clinton: International Man of Intrigue

Former White House cigar-aficionado, Bill Clinton, arrived in Pyongyang, North Korea on Tuesday to negotiate the release of two American journalists with Kim Jong Il.

The two held “an exhaustive conversation,” which–considering it was with Kim–probably included the following:

  • Hot Broadway actresses.
  • What’s Madeline Albright been up to lately; she was so nice and funny.
  • Christian’s champion status in ECW and whether he should get back together with Edge, followed by a six-second pose.
  • Where to get the best grass soup in Pyongyang.

At this rate, the two journalists should be freed once Kim and Clinton finish their massages and previewing the littlest tyrant’s drawings of his “missile program.”

Truly giving new meaning to the term triple double-cross

“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” -Henry VI, William Shakespeare.

Even Shakespeare knew in the 17th century that frivolous suits were the bane of civilization. Sadly, some near 400 years later, we’re still living in a litigious society that knows no bounds. Especially when it’s clearly a victim’s fault that a driver hits them in a head-on collision.