You Missed It: Introspective Monologue edition

Hey, guess what? I’m about to head out for week-long vacation. It’s so close I can taste it. You know how that is, right? I’m just counting the minutes until I’m out of here.

Sound familiar? That’s probably because it’s true yet again. Like Bryan McBournie from last week, I’ll be off next week. But let’s be honest, that’s neither here nor there. If you were feeling absolutely dejected because you couldn’t tweet that Facebook was down, odds are you missed it.

It was a sad day for film fans, but a golden age for boom-box salesmen
Legendary director John Hughes has passed away. The man behind many classic movies of the 80’s, like National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Hughes seemingly dropped off the radar during the the following decades. No hyperbole intended, but the man truly shaped the sensibilities, style, humor, and outlook of an entire generation of Americans. While it’s regretful that the style of many of those Americans involved jean jackets and legwarmers, what’s even more regretful is that we’re still stuck with people like Brett Ratner.

Superman. The Sentry. Supreme. Marvelman. William Jefferson Clinton.
Yes, the same former President Clinton that, during his time in office, was brought up in an impeachment trial, negotiated with North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Ill in North Korea for the release of two American journalists that were held in the country for 5 months. Clinton came back to the United States with two journalists in tow, and has become the latest modern day superhero. While we don’t exactly know what was said during the negotiations, we do know one thing: he did not have sexual relations with that country’s leader.

What, you really thought we were done with the virus?
Beef Packers Inc. has recalled approximately 826, 000 pounds of ground beef products due to a possible outbreak of salmonella in said products. The theory being posited is that recent outbreaks among 11 states can be linked to the same company, though whether the fault lies with the packing company or the distribution company remains to be seen. Seeing as how salmonella has now made its way through a minimum of 75% of the food that I put into my body on a regular basis, it’s a miracle that I’m still alive.

Fake Clint Howard says you’re welcome

"You've been a terrific audience, enjoy the splooge!"California Cryobank, a Los Angeles sperm bank, has launched a new feature on their Web site: Donor Look-a-Likes. The purpose is to give infertile couples a better idea of what their donor looks like without disclosing actual images.

Some pinch-hitting dads include: “Aaron Eckhart, Jake Gyllenhaal, Errol Flynn[,] a ‘young’ Russell Crowe,  Tom Brokaw, Tiger Woods, Stephen Colbert, Lance Bass and Adam Carolla.”

Our question? Where are the ugly donors? Are they prescreening for Clooney-types–which would be discrimination–or are there some Paul Giamatti and Carrot Top-types floating around in the back? (We realize that frozen semen doesn’t float.)

Also conspicuously absent? Non-white men.

But beyond that, let’s call this what it really is: typical L.A. emphasis on looks, minus authenticity.

The institution of marriage

"Thank God I'll never have to go back to beautiful Argentina ever again."The one question on everyone’s mind after South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s return from Argentina was, “When’s the divorce?” On June 24, Gov. Sanford even said that he and his wife were “effectively separated.”

And then Jenny Sanford realized how to really punish him in the time-honored political way: they’ve been working on their marriage for the past seven weeks and will continue to do so for the forseeable future. (Read: the rest of his life.)

It may be cheaper to keep her, but not when you’re paying for counseling, gifts and trips to exotic locations to get over that Argentine Retreat.

Insert joke here

Oh sure, everyone like a joke every now and then, but a chance to offend? Well, that’s just keen. And a chance to offend not one, but two demographics? Heaven.

One Japanese (Asian demographic) driver went the wrong way down one road and continued on. Yikes.

For 47 kilometers, which is over 30 miles. Super yikes.

Big suprise: he was old (and demographic number two). A 68-year-old retired man from Ozu drove his old man car in the wrong lane of the Matsuyama Expressway for about 47 kilometers yesterday. Nothing serious happened. Of course, by serious, I mean deadly. The old man was slightly injured, and he did cause another driver to hit a road marker, though. The driver said that he noticed he was in the wrong lane early on, but “panicked” and continued on. That bodes just so well for his reaction time. Continue reading Insert joke here