MasterChugs Theater: ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’

We’ve had comic book movies, superhero movies, and video game movies; but G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra is something slightly different. Call it action figure filmmaking, a movie poured straight from the same mold as the ones used to create Hasbro’s legendary toys. A story ripped straight off the back of a G.I. Joe card and plopped down in front of you. The heroes are fully poseable and the bad guys are as stiff and contorted as they are evil. In fact, this sensation is almost palpable, as you can honestly feel it in every frame of Stephen Sommers’ film. It’s as if were you to remove the clothing from the movie’s characters, you’d see nothing but anatomically incorrect plastic and crudely put together ball and socket joints.

Now, G.I. Joe doesn’t have a lot going for it, at least initially. The movie’s director is, as mentioned earlier, Stephen Sommers, a man known for creating one of the worst movies in cinema history, Van Helsing. The trailers have been laughably bad at best, and quite frankly, the inclusion of work done by Kid Rock into anything is not exactly a good move. In fact, Paramount chose not to test screen the movie for critics–that’s almost always a bad sign for a movie. What’s scary is that this tale of woe and misfortune just stems from the lead-up to the movie, not the actual movie itself. So, how is the movie?

Think of that old phrase: “It’s a mystery found in an enigma, wrapped up in a conundrum.” Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’

Approaching our 7 billionth customer

... and will come out of the tunnel with 500 new babies.This may be news to some of you readers, but there are a lot of people getting it on in the world. Some of them, somewhere, are most likely doing it right now (and probably with your mom).

As a result of the more … industrious nations, the Population Reference Bureau predicts that we will welcome our 7 billionth SeriouslyGuys reader into the world by 2011. What kind of Web site will they see here in 2 years?

  • One they can’t understand, for one, as they will most likely be born in India or Uganda. Also, they will be less than a year old and our humor is at an eighth grade level of sophistication.
  • There will probably be less War on Animals articles because the growing human population will have eaten most of them.
  • And perhaps the most trustworthy news site on the Internet, considering how the others throw their hosting space away on colon-cleansing ads and what Sarah Palin said on her Facebook.

And if lucky number 7 billion is reading this in our archives, welcome! If you see us flying over your abject poverty on our jet packs, be sure to wave.

Hope they signed up for the intergalactic media package

In surely the greatest waste of money we’ve seen in a long time, an Australian website is allowing people that visit their site to text Gliese 581d. No, that’s not cool new code for Johnny Number Five, gliese 581d is the closest Earth-like planet outside of our solar system. The texts, about as long as tweets (we’re pretty sure Gliese has only advanced to MySpace as of yet) are being sent from www.hellofromearth.net. But we’ll remind you, as well as the stellar observation from MSNBC did, “there is no guarantee of a response.”

Terror from above

As if we needed to remind you, animals can attack at any time or place. They can even organize coordinated airstrikes, as one Ohio woman found out.

She was driving down a road near Lake Eerie when a fish hit her windshield on purpose, smashing it. The woman said it was like someone had thrown a brick. In reality, an eagle dropped the fish from an estimated 40 feet in the air.

As it turns out, this is not the first time animals have come after her on the road. Before the fish attack, a truck ahead of her hit a small bird which then hit her passenger window.