Day: August 18, 2009

Eat My Sports: More like guidelines

OK, so its Week 2 of the NFL pre-season. You’re pumped up because in four short weeks you’re going to get to see NFL action that actually means something. You’re ready to go, you’ve got your Eagles number seven Ron Mexico jersey ordered and you are ready to rock. But wait, before you make a total mockery of yourself out at the bar or even in the comforts of your own home, follow my rules and people won’t be using your name and K-Fed’s in the same sentence.

Never tuck your jersey in
I cannot overstate this enough, but the only way you should have a tucked in jersey is if you are actually playing. We get it, you love your team enough that you want people to actually think you’re Eli Manning, just please understand that you look ridiculous when you tuck it in to your size 44 Wranglers, real, comfortable, jeans. And a side-note on this, never wear a jersey for any sport when that sport is not in its season, this actually allows people to quantify your pathetically. Continue reading Eat My Sports: More like guidelines

If only there were Baby Tylenol …

Salieri betrayed Shiva.

For years, we’ve wondered why–WHY!?–God took Mozart away from us so early. Imagine if he had lived longer: the works he could have still written, the crossover into other genres, the inevitable greatest hits album and maybe even a concert with the greatest band of all time, The Monkees.

Alas! No, he died–he died!–like all the brilliant ones do, at home with a “miliary fever.” (This must be Austrian for “couldn’t breathe his vomit.”)

But, is this the whole story? According to a Dutch study, he may have contracted the strep throat that was going around in Vienna in the winter of 1791. No big deal, right?

Wrong. In an unlikely twist, as the strep gripped his throat, it caused a complication in–of all places–his liver. QED, b@$%hes. That’s one dead Wolfgang.

… So it was murder!

Sting operation proves internet is infecting life

I CAN HAZ CHEESEBURGERS. HANG IN THERE. O RLY? YA RLY? Everyone laughs every now and then at the internet memes involving cats and pictures. It’s a given considering that 72% of the internet is composed of adorable cat pictures. But education, like the internet, is serious business. Oh sure, it’s all fun and games up until someone lets their pet graduate from an online school.

The head of the Georgia division of the Better Business Bureau succeeded in getting his cat Oreo a high school diploma through a diploma mill as part of an ongoing investigation into such facilities, thus proving a low point for both studies and education: this really happened?

We really let a cat graduate with a GED equivalency? A cat named Oreo?

Really? Ugh.

Great, more cats playing music

If there is one place that the enemy is using for propaganda, it’s the Internet. YA RLY. Instead of focusing on the important issues like defeating the enemy, they try to keep us laughing, all the while leaving our guard down, exposed to an attack from any direction.

We know have a new threat of distraction: a cat that plays the piano. The cat’s name is Nora, she lives in Philadelphia. She plays when she wants, she doesn’t like certain people, and she enjoys Billy Joel. In other words, she’s a green helmet away from being a stereotypical Philadelphian.

She’s taking YouTube by storm and she doesn’t have the brain power to understand what that means. Whatever you do, do not watch her videos.

Play her off, keyboard cat!