Day: August 21, 2009

You Missed It: Can’t spell ‘hurricane’ without ‘eh’ edition

You know what it’s time for, don’t you? It’s time for us to sit down quietly while I shout at you about why the president’s health care reform plan is WRONG, WRONG I TELL YOU. ADMIT IT, YOU WANT TO KILL OLD PEOPLE! Ahem. In any case, if you were busy being released from a Scottish prison this week, odds are you missed it.

Hurricanes are for hosers
The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season is finally underway! The first real hurricane, named Bill. Is churning up the East Coast as we speak. Then again, we aren’t really speaking, but trust me, the hurricane’s out there. The news media is all over this one. Finally, FINALLY they have a big storm to cover during the slowest news period of the year–and then it’s not even supposed to make landfall in the U.S. Don’t worry, news networks, I’m sure there’s another Katrina out there somewhere.

‘Somebody get a nail, a pen and paper, I’ve got some ideas to write down’
One of the largest Lutheran denominations in the country is debating whether or not it will allow gay and lesbian clergy to be in committed relationships. Currently, gays and lesbians are allowed to serve as long as they remain celebate. Ha! Finally, the Catholics are ahead of the Lutherans in something other than numbers. They have had non-celebate gay priests for decades.

All You Need Is Robert Zemeckis
If you have children, you know that they are clamoring for one thing: LSD. Luckily, Robert Zemeckis may answer your child’s prayers with a remake of the Beatles’ 1968 classic Yellow Submarine. This time, it would be done with 3D computer animation. And you guessed, Walt Disney Studios is behind this brilliant idea. You may know Zemeckis from the children’s classic Beowulf. No word yet on whether John, Paul, George and Ringo are signed on to the project yet.

Cockroaches still the best Boy Scouts ever

As if surviving nuclear apocalypse wasn’t enough, new research suggests that cockroaches are also prepared to make it through climate change, as well. Just great.

Science has known for some time that, when cockroaches are resting, they periodically stop breathing for up to 40 minutes, but it took researchers at the University of Queensland in Brisbane, Australia, to discover just why they did so. The team, led by Natalie Schimpf, found that cockroaches’ breathing is related to water as opposed to oxygen concentration or carbon dioxide, as previously theorized.

Cockroaches lose water across their respiratory surfaces when they breathe… so taking shorter breaths in dry conditions reduces the amount of water they will lose.

So why does this mean that they’re environmentally invincible?

Living in the humid conditions of a rain forest, where they evolved, might be plain sailing, but cockroaches are adaptable and can cope in a wide range of environmental conditions… Two hundred and fifty million years of physiological fine tuning has produced a creature that will be around for a long time to come. Cockroaches, I’m afraid to say, will do well in the face of climate change.

So that’s that, everyone. Perhaps the War on Animals may finally be over-and we may lose. Our best bet now? To either create our own half human, half roach DNA splice hybrid a la The Terminator or bow down to our future insect overlords.

Ah, the life of an LAPD officer

Consider, if you will, Los Angeles.

Aside from its normal population of people who aren’t involved in Hollywood, it’s full of aspiring actors, current actors and has-been actors who are all insane. And that’s not even including the non-celebrity celebrities that are out-crazying the Arquettes.

Now, imagine you’re an LAPD officer. You’ve got to arrest these entitled people for DUIs, drug charges, public indecency, assault, chaining themselves to trees and the occasional murder.

Sounds like the toughest job in the world, right?

But, then you have to watch a sex tape because of possible “images that could link celebrities engaging in illegal activity.”

As long as it’s not the Screech tape, we say that’s a decent trade … this week.

Welcome to the most deathiest place on Earth

What’s the latest trend in the world? Death. In the past few months, we’ve seen more celebrities and quasi-celebrities bite the bullet than we ever knew existed. So, with our country’s ridiculous obsession over fame, it’s time for more people to give up the ghost, and what better place than at Disney’s Hollywood Studios, “The Happiest Place on URK!”

Recently, a Disney employee died while doing a tumble roll during the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular, making it the third death in under two months. Earlier in August, an employee was hurt during a pirate show and died, and in July, a monorail driver was killed in a collision. Spoooooooky.

On my list of ways in which I’d be alright with dying, “doing a somersault on the ground” is somewhere near the bottom, right above being eaten by the rock monkeys of Gibraltar and dying by LARP-er gang assault.

Megan wants a possible murderer

For those of you who keep up with pop culture, or the pop culture that involves recycled reality show contestants, you’ve probably heard the news. Former “Megan Wants A Millionaire” contestant Ryan Jenkins is wanted as a suspect in the murder of former swimsuit model Jasmine Fiore. Jenkins, whose creepy goatee and history of assault made him a can’t miss for VH1, is now the focus of an international manhunt.

And for our readers who only care about their reality fix, “Millionaire” has been cancelled, but don’t worry, we’re positive Michael Irvin and Chuck Liddell will keep you thoroughly entertained on “Dancing With The Stars” this season.

Sorry, we’re closed

After 77 years behind the bar, Pittsburgh’s Angelo Cammarata, 95, is getting ready for retirement. Well, maybe not.

Cammarata’s bar will be closing down in the next few weeks, which means the longest-serving bartender, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. His sons are 60 and 59, senior citizens themselves, but Cammarata has still helped them with the books and tending bar.

“Their dad is 95, but still coming in every morning, doing the books, and tending bar for an hour or three. Most days he still has the Jim Beam bourbon and Coke that is his drink of choice.”

Folks, this is the end of an era and most of us didn’t even know we were living in it.

(Courtesy of Chris B., who commented, “Road trip.”_