You Missed It: Bad year to be old and famous edition

It’s Friday! You know what that means, Michael Jackson is still dead of a drug overdose. Only now we know which ones, WOOOOOOO! If you were busy banning robocalls this week, odds are you missed it.

The lion sleeps permanently
Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy died this week after battling brain cancer. He died a matter of weeks after his sister Eunice. He is survived by his wife Vicki, sons Edward and Patrick, daughter Kara, stepchildren, grandchildren, his former wife, Joan Kennedy, and his lifelong companion, Johnny Walker.

‘How dare you besmirch my Playboy playmate girlfriend’s honor?’
Brody Jenner, star of The Hills, accused Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame of beating his girlfriend this week. The two men had a fight in a Hollywood club, in a rare battle where one hopes both parties lose. Apparently, someone was Tasered. TMZ, where’s the footage?

iCommunism
Apple Inc. has just signed a deal to sell iPhones in China. Two versions of the phone (which is made there, by the way) will be on sale in China as soon as the fourth quarter of this year. In future news, China would like to sell you an unlocked iPhone for really, really cheap. Special price.

Gov’t declares war on vampires (robocalls by proxy)

Somebody at the FTC must have received a prerecorded sales call, because they’re finally making the practice illegal. As of Tuesday, September 1, it will be illegal for businesses to place unsolicited calls. So, just like vampires, they can’t come in unless you invite them.

Wait a minute … September 1 … that’s only 6 days away from … Labor Day

Oh. My. God. It’s finally happened! The U.S. government has declared war on capitalism and is ringing in the new Socialist year by reigning in the auto-dialing invisible Hand of the Free Market!

And if you don’t believe us, politicians are exempt from the ban!

Damn you, Obama! WE WILL BE HEARD!

Eagle technique, snake technique … possum technique?

Hey, it works in video games! If your name is Solid Snake. Otherwise, GTFO.

Some motorcycle guys were out having fun in Sakai City until one of them ran into a police motorcycle. After the collision, the guy tried to bolt, but was caught not too far away by police. When he was questioned, he just played dead to get out of any trouble. Police even called an ambulance, despite his regular breathing and heartbeat.

Of course, in situations like this, there’s only one thing to do: mess with him to get him a reaction. That’s what one of the medics was thinking when they inserted a catheter into his urethra. But this guy’s good: he didn’t even flinch.

Apparently, his act went on for about three hours. Then his mom showed up. So totally lame.

“I was tired, so I just went to sleep,” he lied said.

The meter is still running

In less Metropolitan areas, one tends to believe there are no cab drivers. In Phoenix, not only are there cab drivers, but those cab drivers want to give you their organs.

A woman who was often driven to dialysis treatments by a cab driver was offered a kidney from her chauffer recently. If someone came up to you and offered an organ, would you really accept it? As it turns out, the cabby’s kidney is a very close match. Thus saving the woman’s life. The kidney is reported to smell like one of those pine tree air fresheners.

See? We don’t always get all “world is ending” on you.