Day: September 3, 2009

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Goods’

Star vehicles, by definition, depend on the appeal of their stars. So, before you pay to see The Goods: Live Hard. Sell Hard., you should ask yourself how much you like Jeremy Piven. The Entourage Emmy winner is a used car salesman savant named Don Ready. He’s as abrasive like Piven’s Ari Gold, only in worse clothes. But if this is all Piven’s got, haven’t we seen it already?

Unfortunately, even though there’s a good cast of likely and unlikely comic heroes mingling the used car lot, Piven gets most of the funny. And that’s where this one bottlenecks. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Goods’

New goal: become a ranger

Cannibis: The Scourge of JellystoneNobody believed Ranger Smith that not only were there picnic basket-stealing bears, but they wore height-appropriate ties and talked, too.

Stressed, they called him. Little did they know that Mr. Ranger Sir was lord and protector of acres of marijuana.

That’s right: national parks are now increasingly home to lower cartel marijuana growers. So, if you want to sit in the woods and not pay for pot, then hippie, have we got the job for you.

Hey lady, it’s not a clown car

Everyone remembers the “Octo-mom” and her nearly going for a full nine person starting line-up?

Imagine going for a twenty-five person roster. On the plus side, Kid Number Nineteen should probably be able to just waltz out into the world with a top hat in hand and a cane in the other. “Wackitty-schmackitty-dooooooooooo!”

Statistically speaking, a good number of them are gonna turn out to be gay. Especially since the likelihood of homosexuality increases in proportion with the number of older siblings. That should be interesting. Because, you know, religion.

“We just couldn’t believe it is happening.” Jim Bob, 44, agrees

Really, Jim Bob? After having 18 kids, and realizing that incredibly technical processes such as pulling out and wearing a condom were far too complicated for just a simple man of the land as yourself, you’re surprised?

We thought only vampires cried tears of blood

A Tennessee teenager is either an extremely devout fan of True Blood or a scientific mystery. Fifteen-year old Calvino Inman has been crying out tears of blood on the regular, with no explanation as to why regular tears don’t form, unless of course, he is a blood-sucking vampire.

In related news Robert Smith is extremely sad and emo that his three decade pursuit of crying something other than tears has been a failure.

Wave the bloody sock

In case you hadn’t heard, Sen. Ted Kennedy died last week. Unlike Chicago, the U.S. Senate does not let dead people vote, so the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is in a wicked pickle. They need to replace Kennedy and they need to do it as soon as state law allows them (five months) so that they can really be represented.

And just like when Superman was died, all of a sudden a bunch of impostors have come crawling out of the woodwork. The list is long, but the most recent name added is that of former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling.

In a radio interview, Schilling said the Republican party had contacted him about running for the vacant seat, but the limping millionaire was tight lipped as to whether he was thinking about it.

“Asked whether he would run, Schilling said, ‘As of today, probably not.'”

Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Curt Schilling will seek the vacant seat in the Senate!